The Central London sperm bank reports that it had a bad day yesterday. They only had three donors all day. Two of them came on the bus and the other one missed the tube.
I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
I've just spent all morning building a time machine. That's four hours of my life I'm definitely getting back.
When I heard the sperm bank were taking donations by post I came in a jiffy
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
A friend of mine checked his allotment earlier. Looks like some dumped a load of soil there.
The plot thickens...
have you ever been caught masturbating in a wardrobe?
(no)
it’s a brilliant hiding place, isn’t it?
Reminds me of a strange guy back at school who may or may not have been joking.
Ere, you ever been caught sniffing yer mum's knickers?
No
Oh. You've been careful then.
Two major launches from Florida this morning. One lunar mission, and one lunar-tic.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I organised a threesome recently. There were two no shows but we still had a good time.
My grief counsellor died. He was so good I didn’t even care…
I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work…
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I’ll stop now, it’s too much!
What does a deaf Gynocologist do?
They read Lips
Did you hear about the exorcism at the yoghurt factory?
False alarm, turns out theyd been dabbling in the yakult
have you ever been caught masturbating in a wardrobe?
(no)
it’s a brilliant hiding place, isn’t it?Reminds me of a strange guy back at school who may or may not have been joking.
Ere, you ever been caught sniffing yer mum’s knickers?
No
Oh. You’ve been careful then.
Or the one about being caught masturbating by your mum - so embarrassing. Didn't expect her to wake up.
Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?
They made a fortune in them/their hills.
"Hi, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke."
"Ok, I'll tell you a TCP joke."
"Ok, I will hear a TCP joke."
"Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?"
"Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke."
"Ok, I am about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characters, it does not have a setting, it ends with a punchline."
"Ok, I am ready to get your TCP joke that will last 10 seconds, has two characters, does not have an explicit setting, and ends with a punchline."
"I'm sorry, your connection has timed out....
Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?"
The only way to follow that would be a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'd get it.
so, what says "Pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?
.
.
a parroty error
I used to be obsessed with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now
My partner said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was kidding, but then I saw her face...
The only way to follow that would be a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.
No shit, I got offered a job on the back of using that as a reply to a question in an interview. The two techies in the panel of three s****ed and I think I knew I was in with a chance at that point.
I used to think I was Tom Jones. I asked the doctor if that was a common problem and he said it's not unusual
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat em all..............................
I bought a car from Bonnie Tyler. It's a great little runner most of the time, but every now and then it falls apart.
(you need to do the voice really, but I'd already typed it out so, **** it)
(and yes, before Which Tyler turns up again I know it's really every now and then > I < fall apart, which completely disqualifies it as a joke in my wife's eyes. )
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots eat em all
It's the same thing with playing cards in the Savannah. Don't do it, too many cheetahs.
Sent a resume in to work for the historic Citroen owners club last week, but was rejected.
Turns out they were only interested in folk with 2 CV’s.
Have you heard about the new Satnav being made in Haiti? It's called the Tom-Tom Macoute...
My penis was once in a Guinness book of records until the librarian told me to take it out.
Ever noticed how Scottish place names feature in F1 drivers names?
Lewis Hamilton
Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre
Ever noticed how Scottish place names feature in F1 drivers names?
Lewis Hamilton
Stirling Moss
Eddie Irvine
Ayr Town Centre
Emerson Footdee-paldi
My girlfriend tells me that ^^^ only works if you pronounce it properly.
But I'm guessing that was Donald's point
She's a rare quine gordimhor 🙂
A man runs into the doctor’s office and screams “Doctor, doctor! I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly replies, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to be a little patient.”
what do you call a person who keeps telling bad jokes?
a taxi!
I just asked the woman in Waterstones if Prince Harry's book is available to download.
She said 'do you want the PDF file?'
I said no, that's his uncle.
My willy was in the Guiness Book of Records.
Then the librarian asked me to take it out.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the toilet?
Because the pee is silent.
If there's one author I can't stand it's Nick Hornby. He stole my train set.
Spent 4 hours last night weaving a belt out of herbs. What a waist of thyme that turned out to be.
I heard Richard Marx and Skid Row are working on an album together.
Richard Row?
Touring with Chris Straits I believe.
someone suggested that Fleetwood Mac are going to re release their best selling album with John McVie's part edited out.
But turns out it was baseless rumours
Just heard that vandals have smashed up the Chinese supermarket.
No motive at all. Just Wonton destruction.
