Took my goldfish to the vets as think it has epilepsy. Vet claimed there’s nothing wrong with it. I said “you’ve not even taken it out of the tank yet”
As child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat handfuls of soil 3 times a day to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Elton John takes his pet rabbit with him to the gymn.
It's a little fit bunny.
My mate told me he wants to go to the Sahara to dig deep holes in the desert to get water for the locals. I know he means well.
When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.
When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.
You sold the laugh at those with dyslexia, if you have it it's not very furry
Old McDonald had tourettes, eee aye eee aye shit arse bollox....
I went on a date with a girl called Simile - it wasn't a great date.
I dont know what i metaphor
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb!
Man walks into a pub
Ouch!
it was an iron pub
Man walks into a pub
Ouch!
it was a metal pub
A couple of non pc ones...
What's the smallest pub in the world....the Thalidomide arms
Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties...it's not big and it's not clever
What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?
R!?
You’d think so, but it’s actually the C!
MAN: i’m leaving you
WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again
MAN: *clenching fist* that’s what it’s ALL about
The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died. .... blah blah, coffin, left leg in, etc.
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can get to sleep with a light on.
Bus load of tourists stops by a field in New Zealand to the see the farmer getting jiggy with one his ewes.
"Are you shearing?" they ask.
"Nah, **** off go and find your own".
An ancient greek walks into a tailors with some torn trousers
"Euripedes?" asks the tailor
"Yep, Eumenides?" replies the greek
A Roman walks into a bar, promptly sticks two fingers up at the barman and says ‘Five beers please.’
My wife asked me to stop constantly quoting Oasis lyrics. I said ‘Maybe.’
After that she begged me to stop quoting The Monkees. I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.
She finally had enough and left, siting my unhealthy obsession with Linkin Park. Obvs I’m gutted but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
No-one's done the pig one yet.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Did you hear about the Yorkshire dentist arrested for drug trafficking?
He was caught distributing e by gum.......
What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
Ones a marsupial, the other is a geordie stick in a lift
A man was found beaten to death with a chicken.
The police suspect fowl play....
Police have apprehended the person responsible for the recent spate of battery thefts.
They're waiting to charge him.....
Is he currently in the cells?
Is he currently in the cells?
(Hah, 'currently', I did an accidental funny)
(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)
Went in to a hardware store yesterday to buy an energy saver light bulb.
Guy behind the counter asked "Are you going to put it up yourself"?
"Nah" I replied, "It's for the front room"
How do you define e-business?
Commerce in Yorkshire.
Went into a St Helens hardware shop and asked them if the sell turps
"certainly sir - do you want audio turps or video turps?"
Zoolologists are pleased to announce the discovery of a new species of lizard.
Inhabiting the arid regions of the south-western United States, the lizard boasts a poisonous bite but no arms.
Experts have named it the ‘Gilet Monster’.
I'm scared of giants.
I have feefiphobia
Title text: At first I didn't get why they were warning me about all those birds sitting on the wire, but then I understood.
great pollies of our time anagrammed:
McEggo Arsejob
Nosh Job on Sir
Hi Risk Anus
RatsRme
I call my wife Man U. She kicks off every 20 minutes ...
Here's another: Lippi Tater
I've begun investing heavily in beef, chicken and vegetable stocks. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in a bowl of water. If it sinks then it's a girl ant.
(true story)
I was out at the beach yesterday and spotted an orange thing close to the shore.
turned to my wife and said, 'there's a vampire in the sea'
it was a lost buoy.
I was queueing for the loos at the Platinum Jubille party at the weekend when that Diana Ross tried to push in at the fron of the queue
I told her straght, You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait
After Elton John’s performance at the jubilee concert, I went round his house and punched him in the face.
The two faced bastard called the police…
(another true story)
Was in the somewhat overgrown garden, small acer tree, poppies and the veggies.
wife commented that her potatoes weren't growing in one area, but they were fine in another.
I said I blame motorhead.
because
the Acer shades.......
The other night a girl was convinced that she knew me from Vegetarian Club. But I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I didn't meat herbivore?
