what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who swims the Atlantic?
A clever dick.
A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.
So he gives her one.
Then a band roadie came in, and he gave her one too.
She was a Morse Code Operator. Just like her dad.
She di-dit because her dah-dah di-dit.
A Glesga punter walks intae a bakers an sez - "Zat a donut or a merangue?"
The baker sez - "Naw, yer right. It's a donut"
A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.
So he gives her one.
She later went into a pizza place and asked for a Zen Pizza. So they made her one with everything.
Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:
Clue's in the name.
Two fish in a tank.
One says "have you got a licence to drive this thing?"
What’s brown and sticky and runs around a field?
A fence.
The inventor of the Ferris wheel never met the inventor of the merry-go-round.
They moved in different circles.
What do you call a woman juggling pints of beer? Beatrix.
What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.
Can anyone here tie a rope using telekinesis?
Thought knot.
I just won an award at work for "Most Secretive Guy In The Office."
I can't tell you how much it means to me.
Cougar
Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:
Clue’s in the name.
Tim? - no way would I guess it from that!!!
Horse walks into a bar. Been there every day for a week, always drinks straight whiskey. Bartender hesitantly says "Mr. Horse, I'm concerned. You may be an alcoholic". Horse says "me? An alcoholic? I think NOT!"
Poof, horse disappears into thin air.
What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.
I always knew that joke as 'What do you call a woman juggling pints while playing pool'? 🙂
How do mexican’s keep warm?
They use chicken fajita’s!!
Lollipop ladies.
They make me cross.
I feel the same about russian dolls. They're so full of themselves
Who makes the best curry soup in northern Ireland?
Mullingar Tony
erm... Mullingar is in RoI
Hes FROM Mullingar, lives in Pho-rtrush
What do you call a blind deer?
No eyed deer.
(Extrapolate, build up)
What do you call a no legged, no eared, on fire, blind deer in a layby in a southern European country?
Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed deer by the way.
Geordie is walking through the jungle with his mate when he hears a distant drumming sound.
"Is them war drums?", he says.
"No", says his mate, "I think they are theirs".
Bloke goes to the doctor.
Doctor: “you’re going to have to stop masturbating”
Bloke: “why?”
Doctor: “because I’m trying to examine you”
Two fish in a tank.
One says “have you got a licence to drive this thing?”
^ that's so an April fools...
"Doctor (parp!), you've (parp!) got to help me (parp!) but every (parp!) time (parp!) I speaks I (parp!) can't (parp!) stop (parp!) farting. Do you (parp!) know what (parp!) to do?
- doctor disappears and returns shortly with a pole with a large hook on the end
"Jesus Christ (parp!), what are you (parp!) going to do (parp!) with that (harrruuuuummppphhhhh!)
- Open a window, it ****ing stinks in here!
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.Oi.
I resemble that joke
Being a Matt also, I once cheekily moaned that I'm not something you wipe your feet on when my name was given only one t.
"Oh, so your something dull and flat then?"
Can't win.
from one of the kids this morning....
Who is investigating the sweet shop robberies?
Sherbert Holmes.
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park man.
What flies in the air and wobbles?
A jellycopter.
Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toucan do it.
(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)
Why did the monkey get lost?
Junglis[t] massive.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren
What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?
Wade.
(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but god knows how they got in there.
What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?
Wade.
Neil?
How many Smiths fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, there is a light that will never go out.
If anyone's got any tips on how to reverse cheap plastic surgery, I'm all ears.
Help! I'm covered in chameleons and no-one believes me.
How many Apple employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you turned the light off and on again?
Have you uninstalled and reinstalled the lightbulb?
Hmm. We've got the same kind of lightbulb in our office and it works fine🤷♂️ You'll have to upgrade to Lightbulb 15, that will be £900 please.
I sat semaphore exam the other day. Passed with flying colours.
I tried a semaphore course but found it hard work. Twenty minutes in and I was flagging....
The ‘T’ in T-shirt stands for Tyranosaurus.
its because they have short arms
I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?
Why is the sand wet?
Because the sea weed
Money must be tight as I've just had Waffles for breakfast.
I loved that cat.
