I used to be in a very tidy rock band; OC/DC
At primary school I was really proud of my mum cos she had loads of jobs.
She came in and did a show and tell assembly three times whilst I was there.
Once as a nurse, then a waitress and finally as a policewoman.
Turns out, she was a stripper.
People who use selfie sticks really need to take a long, good look at themselves.
At University I studied archaeology. I scraped through my exams.
Shall I stop yet?
maccruiskeen - MemberWhat's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dunnggggg!
Whats brown and sticky?
[s]A shit.[/s]
My Beyoncé poster?
Did you hear about the Athiest, Agnostic Dyslexic?He lies awake all night wondering if there is a dog...
Someones confusing their Agnostics and their insomniacs? Not sure you can have an Athiest Anostic.
My mother-in-law came to lunch on Christmas Day. I haven’t spoken to her for two years – it’s not that we’ve fallen out, I just don’t like to interrupt her.
In truth I have a soft spot for her – it’s out in the garden behind the shed.
I bought her a chair for Christmas – let’s hope she plugs it in.
There you go – 3 for the price of 1 – God bless Les Dawson!
Quite right Daniel, and too late to edit...
Good job It wasn't a good joke ruined I guess :0)
Vintage Joke...
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head?
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Norman Tebbit
I once had a racing snail. I took it's shell off to see if it would go faster, but it was just more sluggish.
Bloke goes into a petshop
"Have you got a Manx cat?" He asked
"No" replied the owner, "but I can make you one."
A man goes into the butcher shop and points to the meat on the highest shelf behind the counter
'I'll bet you 50 quid you can't reach that meat without using a stepladder' says the man
'I'm not taking that bet' says the butcher
the steaks are just too high...
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes to be strewn from a hot air balloon over my beloved home town.
But then, that's just me all over.
How do you turn a duck, into a soul singer?
Put it into the microwave until its Bill Withers.....
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he got married.
My brother had a car accident and had a neck brace fitted years ago. Since then he’s never looked back
What's the white stuff in bird poo?
That's bird poo, too.
