Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
I thought you said jokes.
Why should you never wear Ukrainian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out. Ahahahahahahahahaha! Etc.
Damn that's bad OP.
Went to Tesco today and couldn't believe my eyes - seven weeks until Pancake Tuesday, and they're already selling flour and eggs!
[img] 
[/img]
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dunnggggg!
I started a bonsai business last year. It's going so well I'm having to find smaller premises.
Anyone done artichokes 2 for a pound in Asda yet?
A woman just came up to me, said she recognised me from vegetarian club.
I've never met herbivore.
😐
I'm ashamed to say that I am fond of Russian/Latvian/Ukrainian potato jokes....mostly because they're really...really dark...
"One day, hear knock on door.
Man ask "Who is?"
"Is potato man, I come around to give free potato"
Man is very excite and opens door.
Is not potato man, is NKVD."
and
"Russian comedian say “What deal with potato?”
Russian crowd not laugh.
Comedian squint into darkness, to see audience.
There is no crowd. All are die from malnourish."
Why do mice have small balls?
Because not many can dance.
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
Because he kneeded a poo.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?Dunnggggg!
Whats brown and sticky?
A shit.
What has two** eyes and smells of pish?
Airdrie.*
*substitute town name of your choice containing two instances of the letter "i"
** Substitute number to suit the number of instances of the letter "i" in whichever town name you wish to disparage.
perchypanther - Member
What has two** eyes and smells of pish?Airdrie.*
I'm from Coatbridge, agree 100% 🙂
Pish, presumably.
Well played Cougs. Well played. 😀
A gentleman took his lady friend out for romantic dinner to a high-class seafood restaurant.
They were seated, and admired the fish tanks that lined the room. The Maître d' explained that, if they wished, they could make a selection from the tanks and the chef would be delighted to prepare their selection however they pleased.
They strolled along the tanks, looking at the many varieties of fish. The gentleman quickly chose a large lobster and asked for it to be cooked lightly, with a little butter. The lady took longer to choose, as she was over faced slightly with the variety available. Eventually she spotted, partially hidden by a large rock at the back of one of the tanks, a small, green, squid. It had huge, doe eyes and, unusually, a magnificent band of what looked like hair above its mouth.
"Ooh, what's that?" she asked.
"Ah, madam 'az a fine eye" replied the Maître d' in his think French accent, "zat iz ze very rarre 'Ungarian 'Airy Lipped Squid. Tres gastronimique, eet iz byootifull preparrred az calamari, wiz a delicate sauze med from ze ink"
"Lovely, I'll have that please" she said.
"Avec plesir, madam" said the Maître d', whisking the squid and the lobster into the kitchen.
The head chef, Jervais, set to preparing the dishes. He plunged a knife through the head of the lobster to kill it before plunging it in a large pan of boiling water. He then turned to the squid, knife raised, ready to slice it's tentacles into fine rings.
It looked at him, it's big doe eyes blinking and it's hairy lip quivering.
He paused.
It stared. It blinked.
He paused.
It stared. It quivered.
He paused.
He gave up.
"I can't do it!" he said. "Look at it, it's just too adorable!"
Hans, the burly German pot washer looked up from the sink.
"Come 'ere you dumbkopf" he grunted, "I'll do it".
Jervais gave him the knife, Hans held the squid on the chopping board.
It looked at him, it's big doe eyes blinking and it's hairy lip quivering.
He paused.
It stared. It blinked.
He paused.
It stared. It quivered.
He paused.
He gave up.
"I can't do it!" he said. "Look at it, it's just too adorable!"
At this point the Maître d' came in to see what the delay was.
"What iz ze problem?" he asked, "why are you not cooking ze squid?"
"We can't do it!" they both cried, "it's just too adorable, look at it!"
The Maître d' tutted in disgust, but agreed to ask the lady to make a different selection. He returned to the dining room.
"I am zorry Madam, but 'am afraid zer iz a problem in ze kitchen and I will 'ave to ask you to mek anozer choize" he said.
"Why?" she asked, slightly annoyed "I was looking forward to my calamari"
"Well, you see" said the Maître d' "Hans zat does dishes iz az soft as Jervais wiz ze mild, green, hairy-lipped squid"
That reminds me of the story of Ghandi.
Ghandi was a great, but poor, man who walked miles and miles barefoot in order to perform his duties. Clearly, this left him with feet in very bad shape, with corns and callouses all over them. Being poor, his diet wasn't great and so he was a very weak, frail person. Another side effect of his bad diet was that he was left cursed with infamously bad breath. In spite of this all though, he was a great spiritual leader and said to be in tune with his supernatural side.
After a while therefore, he became known as the super-calloused fragile mystic, hexed with halitosis.
A man walks into a pub in a village and orders a beer.
The bartender pulls the beer and begins to smalltalk with the stranger. After a while the man notices that there are two peices of meat hanging up above the bar on pieces of string, about two feet above his head.
Intrigued by these ornaments, he enquired as to what they were there for. The bartender explains to the man that it's a regular contest held in the village. Anyone who can remove the peices of meat from the strings without removing the string itself wins a night of free beer - if they lose they have to buy everyone in the pub a drink. The bartender suggests that the man tries his luck. Take on the bet.
The man thinks for a bit, and says he'll consider it and sits down with his pint.
After a while, the man goes back to the bar and orders another drink, eyeing-up the pieces of meat above his head. The bartender says again that the man should have a go, there's a night of free beer in it for him if he wins, but he has to buy everyone in the pub a drink. The man looks round the pub, which is full to the brim with locals and then up at the meat on the strings. He declines again but says he'll consider it and sits down with another beer.
This goes on for a while, until last orders when the man, who is now slightly worse for wear, goes to the bar and orders a large whiskey with his beer. The bartender asks the man if he has considered the offer yet. Does the man want to take on the bet?
The man looks at him and says: "So you're telling me that if I take those pieces of meat off the strings without pulling the strings down, I get a free night of beer, but if I lose, I have to buy this whole pub, full with people, a drink each? There must be a hundred people in here - Every single one of them?"
The barman says this is correct.
The man looks at the pieces of meat hanging above his head and then round at all the people and gets his coat. The barman asks what the matter is.
"I'm sorry," replied the man looking up, "but the steaks are too high..."
There are two wind turbines standing in a field.
One says to the other "What's your favourite type of music?"
The other says "Well, I'm a big metal fan..."
If Spider-man didn't have all that Web stuff going on...
... he'd simply be Peter Parkour.
Why the did the hipster burn his mouth while eating pizza?
Because he ate it before it was cool.
Chris Eubanks has just published a book on ethics. If it does well he'll move on to write one about Kent next.
Went out to buy 8 legs of venison but they were too deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.
To the man on crutches seen on CCTV stealing my camouflage jacket:
"You can hide.....But you can't run."
Have you heard about the magic tractor?
.
.
.
.
.
It went down the road and turned into a field.
Just heard, the inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
One of my top 5 favourite jokes: Not quite how I tell it (my Mexicans are called Juan and Pedro and have better grasp of English grammar) but I'm not going to type it out!
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”
“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush….”
What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in a swimming pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms and legs swimming in a swimming pool?
Clever Dick
🙂
Nothing awful about these.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
perchypanther - Member
@codybrennan - What has one eye and smells of pish?
Ravenscraig?
😉
[If this is wrong, I apologise- I remember you talking about Hamilton and the 'Craig away back and knew you were a fellow traveller....you might actually be from Mossend for all I know 🙂 ]
Ravenscraig?
Glad to see you didn't fall into my trap and say Coatbridge.
The correct answer is Wishaw....but thanks for playin' 😉
A man walks into a pet shop.
'Hello, I'd like to buy a wasp'
'Sorry sir, we don't sell wasps'
'Well, there's one in the window'
8)
What do you say to someone how has just done a really impressive fart?
"Conflatulations"
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar...it was tense
two cows standing in a field, which one is on holiday?
the one with the wee calf.
Three old men in besieged Leningrad are brag about sons. “My son is Red Guard. He have rape as many fascist women as want,” say first Russian. “Zo?” second say, “My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!” Third Russian wait long time, then say, “My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.” “Wow! You are win us,” say others. But all are feel sad.
Did you hear about the Athiest, Agnostic Dyslexic?
He lies awake all night wondering if there is a dog...
What has 95 legs, 99 eyes and seven teeth? Weegie Methodone queue.
What's 10 inches long, stiff and makes mothers cry?
[punchline redacted]
Wrong sort of awful sorry.
what pink and hangs out your pyjama bottoms?
your mum
Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a deep hole. One of them picked up a stone and threw it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit the bottom - nothing.
He said to the other "that must be a deep hole - let's throw a big rock in there and listen for that to hit the bottom." The men found a rock and tossed it into the hole. They listened for some time and - nothing.
They agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even larger into it, so they found a big log. They picked the log up and both threw it to the hole, listening intently - nothing.
All of a sudden, a goat charged out of the woods, running like the wind, and jumped straight into the hole. The men were astounded.
After they carried on walking, they met an old farmer who asked the men if they had seen a goat. They told the farmer what they had just seen and asked if that could have been his goat.
The farmer said "No, that couldn't have been my goat - mine was tied to a big log."
