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My absolute favourite:
Went to the doctors today:
Doc: you're going to have to stop masturbating.
Me: Whys that ?
Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you
Four candles
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Handles for forks....
Absolute Leg Ends
Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting cow
The inter..
MOOOOOOOOOO!
Works better in person.
What's the definition of endless love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
What do you call a woman with a chimney on her head?
Ruth.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man with a ship on his head?
Captain boat hat.
What did Hitler say to his men before they got in the tanks?
Men. Get in the tanks.
Two cows in a field. One says "here mate, are you worried about that mad cow disease thing?" The other replies "nah mate, doesn't bother me". "Why not?" asks the first cow. "Cos I'm a chicken" comes the reply.
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other "how the hell do you drive this thing?"
This random woman keeps having a go at me for my 'obsession' with biblical figures. What a weirdo. I don't even Noah.
Whats the smelliest thing in the world?
A kippers minge.....
Stevie Wonder, gets given a cheese grater for xmas.
It was the most violent book he's read
I just found out my new neighbours are a man from the middle east and a woman from Essex. So either one of them could blow at any minute
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two - but how do they get in there?
How do you tell when Will Smith's been walking in the snow?
Fresh Prints...
Knock Knock
Neutrino
Who's there?
I farted in a lift today, which was wrong on so many levels....
I got kicked out of the local pool today for wearing my speedo shorts.
How was I to know the S had come off!
I hear Jeremy Beadle has a tiny penis. But on the other hand it's huge.
My nan just invited me round for a roast, lets hope grandad can get it up this time.
You: have you seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Mechanic: No
You: Neither has he
what's red and sits in the corner
a shy fire engine
What goes "plink plink, fizz"?
two babies in an acid bath
FFS chopchop that was on page 1, get yer own jokes 🙄
I laughed out loud a few times reading this thread until LeeW's post. delete it Lee asap.
How can you tell an Irish insurance man?
He`s the one in the pin stripe donkey jacket
Angry Tazzy 😆
AT- <red face> My joke, MY joke, hes used my f'in joke...unbelieveable <red face>
Mrs AT- STFU Taz
Heard the one about the dyslexic man who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?
Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick ...
Two parrots sat on a perch, and one turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
Q - What's brown and sticky?
A - A stick
R - Nope, my Beyonce poster
chopchop 😀
hope you got a warning from the mods as well, hate to think it was just me
Why does Rupert The Bear wear checked trousers?
Because he's a cu.....................................
I phoned my local theatre to get tickets to see an Elvis impersonator, but all I got was an automated answer phone saying
Press 1 for the money 2 for the show .......
Chuck norris won the world poker series with a Joker, 2 of clubs, 7 of hearts, a number 4 green UNO card, and a get of jail free card from monopoly
why do elephants have four feet ?
because the look stupid with 6 inches
Seasonal one...
Two snowmen in a garden, one turns to the other and said...
"Can you smell carrots?"
what do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny???
A block of flaps
Venisson meat is Dear/deer
whats green and smells of pork?
Kermits finger
whats worse than being raped by jack the ripper?
fingered by captain hook
how can you tell a hard lesbian?
she rolls her own tampons
whats invisible and smells of carrots?
a rabbits fart
What's brown and sits in the toilet singing about angels?
Jobbie Williams
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Awe! Sheet!
what is the difference between a dog and a fox?
5 pints of lager
a man walks in the marital bedroom with a sheep under his arm, he says "this is the pig I funk when you have a headache"
His wife looks up from the bed and replies sardonically "I think you'll find that, that is a sheep".
The man looks at her and says " I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr dre
The cops have finally come clean about the shooting of John charles de menez. They were after his troublesome little brother Dennis.
Went to the hospital today to have mole removed from my penis. RSPCA said i'd just get a warning this time!!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got 1 arm bless him.
I shouted, "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb."
I laughed my head off and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?
"Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt, you spiteful ****
Since it started snowing all my missus has done is look through the window and moan and shiver. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!
My mate's shagging twins who both like it up the rear, I asked how do you tell them apart? He said easy, Sally's got long blonde hair, and Derek's got a moustache...
DNA testing has just been completed on Osama's remains, they found some suprising results. In addition to what you'd normally expect to find in a human body, it turns out his remains had an additional 3.8g of protein, 58.8g of carbohydrate (of which sugars were 47.7g), 23.9g of Fat (of which saturates were 19.8g), 2.2g of Fibre and a trace of Sodium...
They're speculating that this was because he had a Bounty on his head...
me & the mrs were sitting in the living room and i said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer....