MTB court

Am I Being Unreasonable? MTB Court now in session! #Case002

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One couple is struggling to ride together as family dynamics have changed their lives. Can it be like it was in the beginning, and who needs to change their expectations?…

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Hannah Dobson

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I came to Singletrack having decided there must be more to life than meetings. I like all bikes, but especially unusual ones. More than bikes, I like what bikes do. I think that they link people and places; that cycling creates a connection between us and our environment; bikes create communities; deliver freedom; bring joy; and improve fitness. They're environmentally friendly and create friendly environments. I try to write about all these things in the hope that others might discover the joy of bikes too.

More posts from Hannah

  • This topic has 53 replies, 35 voices, and was last updated 9 months ago by toby.
Viewing 40 posts - 1 through 40 (of 53 total)
  • Am I Being Unreasonable? MTB Court now in session! #Case002
  • reeksy
    Full Member

    Take it in turns to have a Saturday ride once a month with mates and then ride together the rest of the time.

    weeksy
    Full Member

    Probably the husband 😄

    (And I’ve not even read any of it)

    imnotverygood
    Full Member

    I’m not seeing a ‘side’ here.  They both want to ride together but she seems uncomfortable with it.

    hightensionline
    Full Member

    But I don’t really want to give up my Saturday rides with my mates.

    He wanted the kids, so meh. Be patient until she’s back to a place that’s acceptable for both on the bike. Compromise is key.

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    Simon is being selfish and uncaring.

    Spend time with your wife here dude – and in a way that encourages and supports her.

    I get all the concern and worry she has – and she is not alone. Lack of fitness and time off a bike, let alone physical changes in pregnancy and afterwards knock you for six. Stuff his ‘I’m fitter and better’ attitude – get dialled into your wife’s needs.

    Finding others for Rebecca to ride with would be good – but Simon needs to then be on kiddy care, as she currently is when he heads off with friends.

    Like mrs_oab and I – we ride together all the time, but also ride separately with friends.

    This needs to be sorted now, because Simon will need to think about what he does when the kids join in riding too…

    Bazz
    Full Member

    Mid week rides together and alternate Saturdays with friends or a club, perhaps Simon could get Rebecca some coaching sessions for her birthday or even just to say thank you for being an awesome mum.

    dissonance
    Full Member

    Take it in turns to have a Saturday ride once a month with mates and then ride together the rest of the time.

    Yup and I would also look at a skills course with someone like Katy Curd.

    dave661350
    Full Member

    The above two…Bazz and dissonance…have it. IMHO

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    And N+1 for Rebecca, please. 😉

    dangeourbrain
    Free Member

    Simon sounds like a bit of [pick your own adjective]. Probably popular at uni and great fun when he was 20. Only he’s still the same. His mates probably are too.

    Get a new bike.
    Get rid of Simon.

    Maybe not in that order.

    imnotverygood
    Full Member

    Maybe I’m not reading between the lines here, but is the issue that he goes out on a Saturday & she doesn’t want him to? Or at least not without her? As far as I can see, he is perfectly happy to ride with her, but he still wants to ride with his mates. He’s said he’s happy to ride with her at her level. Is the issue that she’s lost confidence & he isn’t great at assessing what she (thinks) she is capable of?

    EDIT Re-reading it they do get time off to ride midweek together. I don’t really understand who is supposed to change & it what way🤷‍♂️

    reeksy
    Full Member

    Re-reading it they do get time off to ride midweek together. I don’t really understand who is supposed to change & it what way🤷‍♂️

    Admittedly it isn’t exactly adversarial is it? One of them needs to have an affair or be secretly sneaking off to the woods to shag someone of the same gender to spice this up a bit.

    dangeourbrain
    Free Member

    but is the issue that he goes out on a Saturday & she doesn’t want him to?

    It’s that Rebecca had given up several years of doing the things she likes to raise their children whilst Simon has gone away on lads holidays and the like but he now feels a bit put out at giving up a few Saturday’s

    twonks
    Full Member

    Key phrase for me ‘I feel like I’m holding him back’

    In that alone, Rebecca will not feel comfortable riding with Simon, and it needs to be addressed before anything else imo.

    Man/Wife, friends, riding buddies, whatever – in rides of 2 or 3 it just doesn’t generally work well for parties concerned where fitness levels and ability are not close to each other. Get a few more people on a group ride and it becomes more manageable, unless it is one person lagging (been there, gave up)

    I think they can ride together but go at a leisurely pace for both of them and not put any stress on mileage or speed etc. Waiting for somebody all the time is no good, especially for the morale of the slower one.

    Weekends should be split 50/50 between the pair so she can go ride with a group. On that side, Simon is being completely selfish.

     

    imnotverygood
    Full Member

    It’s that Rebecca had given up several years of doing the things she likes to raise their children whilst Simon has gone away on lads holidays and the like but he now feels a bit put out at giving up a few Saturday’s

    But that doesn’t seem to be the issue. Nowhere is she saying “I want to ride with him on a Saturday” Or “I want to go riding on my own/with my mates & he insists on going out instead.” She is saying “I don’t feel comfortable riding with him any more”. People seem to be putting on their own interpretation on this.

    prettygreenparrot
    Full Member

    They probably should consider talking this over in an open, honest, generous, and empathetic way to understand each other’s perceptions, concerns, and goals.

    Alternatively.
    Simon needs to grow up a bit and gain some empathy. Otherwise expect him to be moaning on STW about ‘my wife is leaving me and taking the kids and the bikes after meeting someone better than me’

    Rebecca seems to have had her confidence knocked by taking on a significant carer role and not riding much. Rather than cling to the past she should assess her current situation and do what she wants.

    Alphabet
    Full Member

    Simon could follow her up and down the hills at her pace so she doesn’t feel like she’s keeping him waiting at the top and bottom? Or alternatively get her an eMTB so she won’t be keeping him waiting on the ups and her lack of fitness won’t matter as much.

    jag61
    Full Member

    Im With Moab on this apart from the N+1 thing( needing some new pads is NOT a good reason to go N+1)

    mrs G thats you that is xx

    chevychase
    Full Member

    Only change that needs to be made is that he needs to ride up the hills with her, not be waiting at the top, and she needs to pick routes down that challenge her.

    Add in a stop for a pint/coffee/whatever and they’ll soon remember life isn’t all about the kids or riding and they’ll start to have fun together, which is what it’s really about.

    compass81
    Full Member

    Firstly, I wouldn’t rue out a new bike. If it’s more that 5 year of then Al those advantages of new school geometry will immediately be of benefit. Simon first say how old his bike is? Plenty of bikes to test ride now we are past the majority of supply chain issues.

    Secondly, I can’t recommend group riding highly enough. It really worked when my wife stated riding and even now. It’s incredibly difficult to not come across as patronising when trying to encourage your significant other. Help and advice from third parties is a lot easier to take. Rebecca will feel supported and it will lessen the worry of holding Simon up. It doesn’t even need to be a group of other women. Just a group of mixed ability riders. Simon may have to alternate with this new group and his old riding buddies or tar it in turns to go out with different groups. Coming back together to ride as a couple will then be more relaxed and Rebecca with have more confidence.

    jimmy
    Full Member

    I don’t see a side to take.

    Splitting Saturdays seems fair. Rebecca can get some confidence & fitness back, some coaching is never a bad thing.

    Also, life moves on. It’ll never be the same as before kids so find what works now.

    Sandwich
    Full Member

    If Simon wants to ride with Rebecca he should leave the e-bike at home and go old school self-propelled. Frankly as the fitter, more skilled rider he’s taking the piss when riding an e-bike with an unfit partner.

    (I’m at a loss why someone at least 20 years younger than me and apparently in good health would need such a thing but that’s just me).

    matt_outandabout
    Full Member

    ( needing some new pads is NOT a good reason to go N+1)

    Dammit.

    boxelder
    Full Member

    Sort of related, a mate of mine included an ABC of marriage in his wedding speech –

    “C is for Compromising and Climbing. I’ll do the climbing”

    They’re no longer together………….

    cheekysprocket
    Full Member

    The waiting at the top of the hills thing aside, I think Simon is being quite reasonable. And it sounds like they share available riding time equally. He can support her, but only Rebecca can do what’s needed to rediscover her mojo, or she’ll have no ownership over her fitness and riding.

    thecaptain
    Free Member

    Sounds like they need a tandem.

    dumbbot
    Free Member

    Divorce, find someone who hasn’t let themself go.

    jp-t853
    Full Member

    Just accept that when riding together it will be a pootle. Ride together and chat no flying ahead and waiting at the top. Take easy routes and the confidence will build if it needs to. Not everyone needs to be a downhill pro to have fun.

    In our house my wife has the e-bike not me, it levels the playing field

    DrP
    Full Member

    She REALLY should get an e bike, they ride together, and descend on easy trails…

    Sorted.

    £60 please.

    DrP

    chrismac
    Full Member

    Shouldn’t have had kids then. Simples

    dangeourbrain
    Free Member

    Shouldn’t have had kids then. Simples

    I think it’s quite difficult to return them though. Something about the CRA not applying to custom orders.

    chrismac
    Full Member

    I think it’s quite difficult to return them though

    this is true. Assuming the children were a planned choice then having them comes with compromises compared to your poor kids life. Deal with it

    hightensionline
    Full Member

    Deal with it.

    Indeed, but ‘planned or unplanned’ it’s all the same; you either chose to have them or you weren’t careful if you didn’t plan to, or want to. In this scenario, not being careful is also a choice.

    seriousrikk
    Full Member

    Ok, if I’m reading this right, Simon has a eeb and Rebecca doesn’t.

    Simon is smoking Rebecca on climbs and waiting at the top.

    Rebecca things she is holding Simon back (not surprised if she is getting to the tops of hills where he is waiting)

    Simon doesn’t think Rebecca needs to replace her six year old bike while he has what is likely a very recent e-bike (and maybe another bike)?

    Simon needs to stop being a dick, properly support Rebecca and stop prioritising riding with his mater over riding with Rebecca. He needs to either ride the e-bike in low or zero assist and just go for a steady ride with her. No zooming ahead, just ride with her at every point during the ride. Stick with her in climbs, stop for a break if she needs it.

    But above all, just ride  No expectations, no tips, just get out on bikes together  Start Doing that and everything will just slot into place  If Rebecca needs a new bike, it will become apparent quickly (she does, btw). If some skills coaching would help – buy her some (it would, and what a gift!) .

    LAT
    Full Member

    is this real? will the couple involved respect the verdict? and who is looking after the children when they are out on midweek rides?

    edit:

    definitely real:

    I feel like she doesn’t let me help her or offer advice

    I don’t mind waiting for her to catch up and it’s nice to spend time together without the kids

    if he stayed with her on the climbs they could spend even more time together

    before i make a decision on who is wrong, i want to know more about their relationship in general.

    LAT
    Full Member

    Simon needs to stop being a dick,

    are you saying he should sell his e-bike?

    sharkattack
    Full Member

    I’ve already lost this battle in my house. The very idea of a lads holiday on the bikes is laughable.

    Also, I’ve got a 2 year old son who I kind of like spending time with.

    cookeaa
    Full Member

    I love the idea that Dads can just piss off out for a day when the kids are young. That was the exception not the rule when ours were little.

    The boss expects equal time for her interests/activities (which don’t much align with mine), plus she likes to go places and do things with me also. So me pissing off out with the lads for a ride is the marginal occurrence (and often comes with recrimination after the fact), it’s certainly not a regular thing.

    Simon sounds like a bit of a man-child…

    BruceWee
    Full Member

    A couple with young kids being able to ride together just the two of them (or do anything together just the two of them)?!

    There’s 1st world problems and then there’s ‘massively fortunate bordering on unrealistic but still complaining about it anyway’ problems.

    Both of them need to stop complaining before every parent in the country collectively wees in their shoes.

    nbt
    Full Member

    I recognise a lot of what Simon says –  No children involved here but I am a stronger rider than Mrs NBT. Like Simon I have no issues with the whole waiting at the top thing and am just happy be out with my wife. In many cases though, I know she’s already decided that she won’t be able to ride up / down that bit, which I find sad – because I have more confidence in her abilities than she has, so it’s just a little sad that I think she’s going to be able to do it then she doesn’t even try. Doesn’t mean I don’t wan to ride together though –  I’d rather ride with my wife than my mates.

    Having said all that – Simon is being a dick. Ride a non-ebike with Rebecca, and give up most if not all Saturdays, either to let Rebecca ride with ladies on Saturdays, so she doesn’t feel the pressure of riding with her husband, or to ride more together. Buy her a new bike if it will help her feel better about riding – it doesn’t have to be an e-bike if that’s not what Rebecca wants, just having a new bike is a boost in itself (listen to the voice of experience). Realise that Rebecca needs to ride with / listen to other people telling her how good she is – as her husband you are expected to be encouraging, so she needs independent backup that this is indeed the case. This may be a skills course, or just riding with other people. Either way, it’s your turn to step back

    Rebecca also need to listen to other people though. Time off bike means skills and fitness and confidence all need a little top-up, that’s all

     

     

     

     

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