ex wife came across a guy in A&E who had taken the spring off a chest expander and shoved it up the dirt shute. tried to pull it out, it expanded, then contracted trapping some colon/sphincter etc. he did a fair old bit of panic induced tugging at home, and when he got to A&E it was too late and he ended up dead etc. be careful peeps.

I used to work as a Police Officer, a young Bengali boy in agony came in saying he'd been assaulted (for messing around with someone's sister)

Fresh crushed chillis, a broom handle and retribution, roughly dished out as per the current theme of this thread apparently 😯

I think all A&E/Obs&Gyn wards should be required by law to keep a "Treasure Chest" display, with explanatory notes and x-rays for each object.

Would certainly be better than reading a tattered copy of Bella from 1987.

TribalChief, when you said dead etc, what exactly is the etc bit?

Used to work in A+E..lets just say courgettes, pool balls, screwdrivers have been witnessed first hand in places that they werent designed for. Not all at once though.

Gunz – probably dead, cold and subsequently buried/cremated/re-incarnated

heard a story from a nurse i once knew:

guy comes in in a flasher mac bent over double, saying he needs to see a doctor, the nurses tell him that they need to assess him and will then refer him to a doctor, this goes on for a while with the man getting more and more distressed – in the end one of the doctors takes him in a cubicle and he reveals what is under the coat, a cocker spaniel impaled on his knob!!! whilst buggering the dog it had died and was now stuck, having contracted. 😯 they had to operate and remove the dead dog!!

Greatest line I heard on one of these cases was the bloke who had "slipped" and "accidentally" impaled himself on a coke bottle.

Nurse, completely deadpan, comments: "its a good thing it was covered in vaseline then, otherwise that could have hurt" 😆

….was now stuck, having contracted.

He waited until rigor mortis had set in before attempting to remove his nob 😯

and when he got to A&E it was too late and he ended up dead etc. be careful peeps

A word of warning for all you bum putter upperers on STW!

ernie_lynch – Member

….was now stuck, having contracted.

He waited until rigor mortis had set in before attempting to remove his nob

Perhaps he hadn't finished 😯

Sorry everybody…

A word of warning for all you bum putter upperers on STW!

Yep, it's those handy tips which makes STW so worthwhile.

And I'll certainly be careful with what I do with "the spring off a chest expander" in the future ………I can tell you

Oh,and a vibrator all the way inside a man rear, still buzzing. Surgeon wouldn't operate till it stopped buzzing so he left it to the next shift.

Oh my good god, I'm trying to keep a straight face in the office here…

I lived with 3 radiologists at one time, all chain smokers. They told a fair few stories, but the only ones I can remember are of a woman with a potato up her bottom…

Is it me are any of you now feeling left out? What I thought was probably a minority sport seems to have gone mainstream!

Oh well – heard from a mate of mine (no, really) in a & e about a woman that turned up with severe rectal bleeding. Turned out that her husband had pushed a light bulb (candle type) up her tradesman's entrance, and when she came (sorry, sorry) her sphincter contracted and shattered the bulb – cue major surgery…

What seatpost for…

Apparently the standard procedure for removing lightbulbs from the back passage is to drill a small hole in the bayonet and fill it with fast hardening glue.

Why don't people just buy a **** plug?

Things like carrots / courgettes and stuff you can slightly understand, but screwdrivers, shoes, light-bulbs etc?

Although sometimes i think there's weirdo's who enjoy doing these weird things deliberately. If you look closely there's a fair bit of scarring on the 1 man of 1 jar fame that suggests it wasn't an accident and has probably been done before.

I remember having to go into have my arm x-rayed when I broke it, the radiologist asked if I had any piercing and I said no. Making small talk I asked why she asked the question as I couldn't imagine the odd earring being that much of a problem.

Then she told me she asks everytime now after a bloke came in and had a piercing in his sac for every year he'd been alive – he was 82!!!

Apparently that did cause a problem!

Apparently that did cause a problem!

MRI scan for lolz. 😈

If you look closely there's a fair bit of scarring on the 1 man of 1 jar fame

Pieface, did you think before you said that? That has certainly altered my opinion of you 😉

Woman with internal bleeding and torn rectum due to rough sex.

Glad I didn't have to explain it to her husband who was away on a lads weekend when it happened.

One for you Landie drivers.

I was working in A&E in Taunton when this guy came in with his elbow peeled back and the bone sliced through 😯

turns out he was driving his Landie along a country lane with the obulatory elbow out of the drivers window and thought he could get past an on coming milk tanker – you guessed it – ouch

seemingly the wing mirror missed the tail board but the elbow didn't

OOOf!!

There was a story a few years ago that a very famous footballers wife had to have "emergency repairs" after a wine bottle damaged her back passage.

Not sure if it was true, but I heard it from an ex-pro player, so it may have been well known amongst the footballing fraternity

I remember whilst working in outback australia having to stitch up a huge gash on the leg of a drunken aussie ferrel in the middle of the night. Throughout the procedure the cretine was repeatedly alling me a F***ing pommie C*** and the like. Glad to get shot of the fecker! However I was delighted the next day when the local plod turned up asking if I had stitched up any big cuts the night before as some idiot had left half his circulating blood volume on a window pane after a break in. I was delighted to shop the fecker! Result

i heard a rumour from a collegue that the weirdest thing he had seen at work was a teacher in a snow flurry. But that just has to be too far fetched to be true!!

odannyboy – Member
these are shocking. i also thought there may have been more anecdotes and odd situation, not just stuff up bums?…

OK, as a student nurse 20 years ago I was working on a male GU surgery ward. One of the old charectars on the ward had developed a chest infection post-op and was productive of really foul sputum. He was slightly deaf, & partially sighted.

End of a late shift one evening & I was sat with this guy, he started coughing so I passed him a sputum cup, and said "Use this".

"thanks Jon" he said, before knocking back the contents in one – to say it looked like chip shop mushy peas wouldn't be far off the mark.

I've never come as close to puking on duty as I did that evening!