Over the ten years or so that I’ve been on this forum I’ve shared in other people’s ailments, misfortunes and JRA accidents so time to share my current position… sat on the sofa with thighs akimbo…

I was enjoying the beautifully crisp and clear Sunday and had just turned to head South back to the car; I was riding into the low sun through woodland on nice wide singletrack so perhaps got blinded by the flickering sunlight and clipped a tree stump at the side of the trail. The bike stopped abruptly and my groin clipped the back of the stem as I sailed past and hit the deck; I was a bit winded and knew that my groin was going to hurt later but was grateful it had not been a few inches further down and inboard.

Got home, showered, and became aware of the large swelling on my groin at the point of impact with the stem; over the next few hours my testicles started to ache and swell; I took some co-codamol before going to bed and slept reasonably as a result.

Woke up in the morning to find that I had had not only beetroot purple bruising up my groin and across my thigh – but my testicles had turned black and had swollen to, quite literally, the size of a modest cocoanut. Sent my boss a text saying that I wouldn’t be in and that I’d be heading off to A&E – I’d been texting with him anyway the evening before and had mentioned my tumble. My wife took a photo and had already been on the phone with her best mate, an ambulance technician, and she’d ordered me to get to A&E as soon as possible.

Got to Dundee’s Ninewells soon after 9am and were seen very promptly as it was surprisingly quiet. The A&E Doctor was genuinely surprised and the Registrar came in for a peek too, joking about ‘Buster Gonad’ from ‘Viz’ magazine; they use a citrus fruit scale and I was a health grapefruit. They were concerned about pelvic fracture and testicular torsion so I had x-rays taken before being transferred a few hours later to a Urology ward upstairs. I was there for the rest of the day, had a cannula fitted for blood sample and then some liquid paracetamol before an ultrasound mid-afternoon.

The Doctor that performed the ultrasound was happy to discuss with me as he did his thing and gave me a guided tour of my groin and genitalia; testes okay and intact but two haematoma – one in my groin that was at least 4cm in diameter and another, more elongated, in my right testicle. The skin around my scrotum had absorbed lots of blood, too. He suggested that I’d ruptured a small vein in my groin and it had subsequently tracked down overnight.

Back up to the ward and a few hours later, after confirmation from the Senior Registrar, I was allowed home with paracetamol, codeine, and a couple of jockstraps – and the lovely ward nurse threw in some liquid laxative after helping me get the jockstrap on.

Each and every single person that I encountered in the NHS that day were wonderful and I am very grateful to them and this wonderful institution we are lucky to take for granted in the UK.

Anyway, looks like I won’t be returning to the classroom for a few days yet as I am nowhere near mobile. I had no idea that testicles could enlarge to such an extent and then, subsequently, weigh so much!

Thread does not need photos.

*flicks househusband in the nuts*

…wonders which fruit they use for scale if citrus dimensions are exceeded…

Well you can get quite a way with it, from kumquat (oi oi!) through to pomelo…

c’mon pics!!

Has to progress to the melon stage surely.
And kimbers is a sicko, don’t need to see that

Marrow on the scale?
Heal quick lad.

Ouch. I had one similar, many years ago. Nuts returned to normal size quick enough, though I only rated a Jaffa! The area around the blood supply to the citrus went schlerotic(hard) and the docs were a bit concerned about that, and the possibility of clots moving around to where they’d be appreciated even less. As for the bloody scrotum, mine is still speckled 20 years later. Happy Healing Vibes!

Edit: was a bit worried about the swimmers too, but 3 kids later it doesn’t seem to have held me back.

Awesome!! Hope the ballbag is on the mend. I’ve been back and forth to A+E in manchester for the last few weeks and I’m happy to echo your comments too.

Long live the NHS.

c’mon pics!!

I think I’d get banned, kimbers!

Nasty – I have a bit of pipe lagging around the back of the stem – I’ve no idea if it would help much but I don’t think I could ride if i didn’t at least think I’d tried something to lessen the chances of an accident like yours. You might want to invest in a cricket box before going anywhere near a classroom. 🙂

Thanks for the laugh OP, and glad you’re kinda ok after all that groinal attention!

You might want to invest in a cricket box before going anywhere near a classroom. 🙂

In all seriousness that isn’t a bad idea! The workshop vices are at that height… 😳

get well soon Andrew……and keep the wife away for a while…. 😆

Bloody hell fella. There but for the grace of God and all that. Mind you a man of your talents you be talking in cm not inches. Did I ever tell you about the time I spilt hot black tea all over my crotch? Nasty blisters on my thigh and well you know what’s in between. The NHS staff were indeed brilliant, the male ones winced more, the lady ones laughed more. One lady nurse when asking my to take my trousers off also joked that I might as well remove any dignity I had left too. The doctor had to ask how straight (she wasn’t talking about my dignity) it had been before poured hot tea over it and warned me about the effects scar tissue might have and told me some horror stories about infections. Cue a couple of days of walking like John Wayne and two weeks off work. Anyone hope that helps and get well soon.
PS: At least it wasn’t as big as Mikes floaty heid.

Each and every single person that I encountered in the NHS that day were wonderful and I am very grateful to them and this wonderful institution we are lucky to take for granted in the UK.

Agreed. Fantastic people, fantastic organisation.

She finds it all highly amusing, Tony… she wanted to feel the weight of my gonads when I came out the shower this morning – I got her to warm her hand up first! I’ll sympathise next time she moans about her water retention once a month…

my punk rock band, if i ever get round to forming one, is gonna be called scrotal trauma

I’ve been wincing from the top of this thread to bottom. Yeowch. Well done for being such a man about it – though it sounds like you’ve been very well looked after. NHS seem (in my experience) to put dignity pretty high up the list, which makes one even prouder to be British. Heal fast, fella.

I have a bit of pipe lagging around the back of the stem

😀

Seriously though, it’s one to tell your grandchildren about (if you can ever have any).
GWS!!

Ouch sounds nasty. Glad to here a positive story about fellow NHS colleagues. Better than hearing about all the horror stories in the Daily wail. My experiences as a patient have been good and bad. Salford Royal, Royal Bolton, Royal Preston and Fairfield have been fantastic. My experience of General Surgery and A&E at Royal Blackburn hasn’t been good though.