Over the ten years or so that I’ve been on this forum I’ve shared in other people’s ailments, misfortunes and JRA accidents so time to share my current position... sat on the sofa with thighs akimbo...
I was enjoying the beautifully crisp and clear Sunday and had just turned to head South back to the car; I was riding into the low sun through woodland on nice wide singletrack so perhaps got blinded by the flickering sunlight and clipped a tree stump at the side of the trail. The bike stopped abruptly and my groin clipped the back of the stem as I sailed past and hit the deck; I was a bit winded and knew that my groin was going to hurt later but was grateful it had not been a few inches further down and inboard.
Got home, showered, and became aware of the large swelling on my groin at the point of impact with the stem; over the next few hours my testicles started to ache and swell; I took some co-codamol before going to bed and slept reasonably as a result.
Woke up in the morning to find that I had had not only beetroot purple bruising up my groin and across my thigh – but my testicles had turned black and had swollen to, quite literally, the size of a modest cocoanut. Sent my boss a text saying that I wouldn’t be in and that I’d be heading off to A&E – I’d been texting with him anyway the evening before and had mentioned my tumble. My wife took a photo and had already been on the phone with her best mate, an ambulance technician, and she’d ordered me to get to A&E as soon as possible.
Got to Dundee’s Ninewells soon after 9am and were seen very promptly as it was surprisingly quiet. The A&E Doctor was genuinely surprised and the Registrar came in for a peek too, joking about ‘Buster Gonad’ from ‘Viz’ magazine; they use a citrus fruit scale and I was a health grapefruit. They were concerned about pelvic fracture and testicular torsion so I had x-rays taken before being transferred a few hours later to a Urology ward upstairs. I was there for the rest of the day, had a cannula fitted for blood sample and then some liquid paracetamol before an ultrasound mid-afternoon.
The Doctor that performed the ultrasound was happy to discuss with me as he did his thing and gave me a guided tour of my groin and genitalia; testes okay and intact but two haematoma – one in my groin that was at least 4cm in diameter and another, more elongated, in my right testicle. The skin around my scrotum had absorbed lots of blood, too. He suggested that I’d ruptured a small vein in my groin and it had subsequently tracked down overnight.
Back up to the ward and a few hours later, after confirmation from the Senior Registrar, I was allowed home with paracetamol, codeine, and a couple of jockstraps – and the lovely ward nurse threw in some liquid laxative after helping me get the jockstrap on.
Each and every single person that I encountered in the NHS that day were wonderful and I am very grateful to them and this wonderful institution we are lucky to take for granted in the UK.
Anyway, looks like I won’t be returning to the classroom for a few days yet as I am nowhere near mobile. I had no idea that testicles could enlarge to such an extent and then, subsequently, weigh so much!