My doctor told me that I was morbidly obese…
as if I don’t have enough on my plate!!

———–

Just thought I’d nip over to my Nan’s and fair play to her, at 96 she had all the Halloween decorations up.
Cobwebs and insects in the window and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer.

I’ll pop back next year.

———–

My Grandad is always complaining about the price of everything.
“One pound fifty for a cup of tea?”
“75p for two digestive biscuits?”

In the end I had to say, “Look Grandad, you just popped round. I didn’t invite you”.

———–

When my wife came in from work I flung my arms around her.
“Thank God you’re safe!”
“What’s brought this on?” She asked, puzzled.
“I heard that a cow was causing chaos on the M25 and made the assumption that you’d broken down.”

————

I got my wife one of those Pug dogs for a present.
Despite the squashed nose,rolls of fat ,bulging eyes,bad breath and being just plain ugly the dog has really taken to her.

———–

Thousands are said to be gathering outside Nelson Mandela’s house.

Del Boy and Rodney have told them to **** off.

————

Just heard a rumour that Caburys are bringing out a brand new Oriental chocolate bar,

but it might just be a Chinese Wispa

———–

I’ve started a dating agency for chickens….
But it’s a real struggle trying to make hens meet

———–

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

———–

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

————

Drinking with a speech impediment?

It’s whisky business.

————-

My friend has been found guilty of overusing commas.

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

————-

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

“My mate came off his motorbike today,” he said.

“Oh really?” I asked.

“Yes,” he replied. “He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye.”

“Blimey,” I said. “No wonder he came off it then.”

————–

The 99p shop have revealed they have to put their prices up by 1p because of increased energy bills.

No change there then..

————–

Just found out that ‘Aaarrrrggghhh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am!

————-

I’ve just made a life size jelly of Robert Mugabe.

I fear I may have set a dangerous president.

————-

In an Egyptian Pyramid lies a Mummy covered in Nuts and Chocolate

Archaeologists believe they have found Pharoe Rocher

————

The missus asked if she pleased me in bed. I said “Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth”… “What trick?” she asked. “The one where you shut the **** up and go to sleep!”

———-

Someone has just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line.
She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 16 pegs back.

———

I saw a Land Cruiser with a bumper sticker saying : ” I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal”.

Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

———

I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

——–

🙂

Sometimes I like to hide my wife’s inhaler.

So the neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting – “Give it to me!”

I went to get my hair cut, barber says to me “Do you want it cut round the back” I asked “Why is the shop full”

There are 10 types of people in the world.

Those that understand trinary, those that don’t and those that thought this was going to be a joke about binary.

It’s been that cold round here all the mrs does is stand at the window shivering,
I’m still not letting her in though..