You’re walking down a street. Strangers pass by. You can’t help hearing one line… a single sentence that sparks your interest. It’s the kind of sentence that makes you wish you could hear more. And you hate yourself for it.

Here’s mine (Liverpool, 11.58am):

I’ve been off sick because I can’t stop vomiting.

“I went to see that passion of that Christ yesterday, I never realised Mel Gibson was Jewish.”

Loud bloke in pub..
“My ex-wife, who took all my effing money, had more degrees than a protractor, but she still couldn’t bake pastry. Pastry is a Science!..”

Some young ned at Cwmcarn, talking to his bird…

“when I’m older and have a kid, and it cries, I’m going to punch it”

just hope he didn’t mean it….

Start of the Monkey, Mr & Mrs. Team Hope discussing the uphill bit.

“How do you expect me to cycle up there? It’s too steep and I’m in the wrong gear!”

“…and so I had to sleep on the bus-stop roof and so don’t know…”

Another one of my favourites is…

“…that’s what I told them when I was on the comedy circuit…”

“Excuse me do you have a pump” as I rode past a group of cyclists all standing around.

Lovely looking lady in a beer garden yesterday:

“If I had a dick I’d be in prison”

One of three hip young lads in skinny jeans and fashionable clothes, yesterday:

I’m gonna drink a can of spaghetti hoops and have a Radox bath.

my mate loves to invent these bits of conversation then say them at volume as people pass by, usually at the expense of his long suffering OH!

One old lady to the other as I walk past:
“I have to go into Bootses”

Years ago whilst waiting in a nightclub queue the two girls behind us were discussing how one of them the night before had allowed a bit of ‘back door action’ from her boyfriend for the first time. When asked what it was like she told her mate ‘It’s a bit like having a poo backwards’. Never forgotten that, cracked me up.

“…I looked back and saw he had ejected so I bailed too, turned out he hadn’t….”

My aunt used to pick up massive knickers as my uncle walked past and shout – “HEY KEVIN THESE ARE LIKE THE ONES YOU WEAR TO BED!”

“…she told be to put it through the back doors”

I shot hot coffee out of my nose in the middle of the town center.

past a gang of yoofs at college years ago
”im gonna spark him up with my comb!”

pissed myself laughing at the time (the accent had to be heard to be believed). Turns out a ‘comb’ is a knife, and to ‘spark’ someone is to stab them..

Woman talking to her small dog:-

“I mean, we’ve had this conversation before…”

…and so I said, “well that’s a marvellous idea, but first I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.”

“I would literally die if I had to go without my hair straighteners for a week”

My absolute favorite that made me laugh hard was (directed at my sister and her husband)

“they may grow up to like their parents…….a musician, a scientist” – not funny till you realize she’s a music teacher at a primary school and he works in IT. I watched the last shuttle launch, does that make me a forking astronaut

Walking past a bus stop in Bristol:

“…. yeah, well, I never let him cum inside me so I am so still a virgin….”

Yesterday, Cafe Tresor, South Croydon. Geezer holding court with his two mates explaining the finer points of post cold war real politik:

“So after the Ossetians invade Georgia, killing all them Russian Georgians, us and the americans make out it’s all Georgia’s doing and tell the Poles you want our missiles in your country or the Georgians are coming for you next.”

You should have heard his thoughts on Cyprus too.

Outside H Samuels’s in Wrexham…

“Hiyo, I’m lookin for one of those gold cross necklace fings wivvout that bloke on it?”

One of the highlights of my year

Also, my gradma, waving about a pair of my brothers (laundered) socks.

“are these Johnies?”

“The problem is with all these effing immigrants” – From a Portugese taxi driver to me. I nodded sagely and kept my mouth shut.

Being stood on cleethorpes sea front looking over the river humber towards hull when some daytrippers next to me went

” Look, you can see french coast”

Priceless

not heard, but seen;

Driving past the end of a wide road in a posh part of town.

Man lifting 4ft tall chinese looking vase mostly wrapped in a blanket out of hatch at rear of car.

Man turns and blanket slips on shiney surface of vase.

He went out of sight literally just as the end of the vase touched the tarmac and he was holding just a blanket.

Walking down the stairwell at work, pass by a lass on her mobile in a ‘quiet’ spot, with a not-so quiet voice:

“…an I ‘ave a voucha…yeah…all me pyoobs off please…”

Quite tough looking guy chatting to female friend in a shop the other day..
“…we could all bake and watch harry potter…”

Made me chuckle!

DrP

“yeah pizza is alright but I don’t understand all the fuss, I’m happy with beans on toast”
Talking about the London eye – “it takes too long to get to the top and what for?” “Good if your studying geography I suppose” “yeah the view is quite good though”

Sloane Street, at about 1130 one Saturday afternoon….

No, no, no! Wait until I’m REALLY drunk and THEN tell me!

“she’s taken a couple swings at her mum before but she’s a nice girl really”

I’ve also seen a man properly sprinting down the aisle of a supermarket towards the checkouts with a big family sized pack of toilet roll under his arm. 😛

a website devoted to such things….

http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/gossip.html

sadly not updated in a while

In Chester with the wife, elderly couple are walking past, the woman shouts at the husband “your a waste of space” to which he replied “eeeeeeeeeeeeeee”
Made us laugh anyway

Liverpool, 4.13pm

White van man on mobile, waiting for automatic doors to open (windows open):

“…no, she said she preferred the number two lift… what’s that all about?”

Intriguing.

Not the best, but certainly made me smile. I was walking with a friend through the park on Saturday when we passed a couple with their little boy – he was probably around three or four. He was walking very slowly carrying a large stick, which he had adorned with a clump of shredded paper (no idea where it had come from in the middle of a large park). The father was clearly irritated by having to idle along while the boy balanced the clump of waste on a stick and must have told him to put it down because he didn’t need it, because as we drew level the kid asserted “I know I don’t need it; but I do want it!!”

This one’ll probably not work for everyone…

“Ah buy all ma designer clathes fae Makro”

‘I’ve got a new one, so I’ve epilated everything underneath my eyebrows’

Last night at work. A prisoner had to be re-located to the Seg unit, he says, ‘I’ll walk down but don’t touch me else I’ll knock you’s all out’ (there was 4 of us, a c&r instructor, a screw who’s an ex boxer, an SO who’s 6’6″, another very experienced ossifer & little old me) He put his shoes on & walked down compliantly. When he got there & we’d put him in the constant obs cell, gobby kid on the opposite side of the landing shouts to matey, ‘did they bend you up?’ Matey shouts back, ‘they tried to’
Had to be there I guess but I pmsl. 😆

Few years back, we were in some stately home going past some very olde worlde furniture, and the chairs had little signs on saying “Please do not sit on these chairs”

Posh sounding yummy mummy is pulling her two year old tearaway off one of said chairs and saying “I know you can’t read yet, but what does that sign say?”

The look on her face as she realised what she’d said, and that a pair of strangers had heard her say it, will remain with me for a long time.