Oh it gets better.

So FIL was on the sofa all day, cold and lifeless. MIL has just said, when she first called, he had actually got up off the sofa, and collapsed on the floor, so she again got some friends around to look at him, then called my wife, never bothering to mention that he had just collapsed and was possibly still alive.

Wife is all upset that she could have called an ambulance now…..not in Bangkok traffic she couldnt have.

^ Thing is, the family are so inept, that could be a possibility.

MIL was taking care of two nephews, both 8, they ran away, or at least they thought they had. So they sat around the house cryimg all day, eventually calling my wife at about 8pm to tell her. Kids had been missing for coming on 10 hours at this point.

They were found later hiding in the bedroom upstairs, nobody had even bothered to look anywhere.

So he may well be stil alive, and my holiday will still be shit because he will be there when I go on Sunday or Monday…..saying that he might still be there either way at this rate.

Just wait till you are fitting that beautiful toilet and as you try and line it up you realise the soil pipe is too far away or too close to the wall and it doesn’t fit, no matter what you do, the flex pipes, tight U’s loos U’s straight pipes cutting the little bit of soil pipe down, it just doesn’t fit.

Where in the world is this fantastic tale unraveling?

Bangkok – we are a few hundred km up country.

I still can’t work out if he has been picked up yet. My BIL is a taxi driver, so at least there is an easy solution there.

Current phone conversation

Mrs Q – I know nobody liked him, but they could have at least moved the body or checked to see if he was alive.
BIL – He was always complaining he was sick when he wasn’t. Why nobody checked. Nobody cares anyway.

I will be trying again in a minute to get her off the phone. Getting all worked up over something she can’t do anything about.

There you go folks it’s that fairy story, the old miserable, selfish, abusive twunt that cried wolf and said he felt sick when he wasn’t.

I’m refraining from bringing up the need for a new sofa just now, never liked staying there as the miserable old twunt was always in the living room.

BIL has arrived – last time BIL saw FIL was earlier in the week where FIL tried to hit him with a machete, because he thought he was being accused of stealing a buddha.

More to come. Hopefully the body has gone by now,

I can hear the wife recounting the tale to sister number 3, who has just stopped a card game to eventually answer the phone.

I’m trying to be consoling, but all my thoughts are quite selfish just now.

I think from the last phone call he might still be in the house, waiting or the body pick up truck to get him.

Hopefully the most responsible brother in law is on his way to make sure the body is moved. If not it may well be there until we turn up tomorrow.

HOw long does it take for a body to start smelling at 35 degrees?

Pissed DIY is the only way to do it.

I made a feature wall in the kitchen from bright green paint, at about 3am in the morning. It looked good and green

By 8am when we had got up, it was apparent that maybe the booze had softened our vision and in fact it was patchwork green as was the kitchen table, floor, high chair and curtains.

Two years ago just before Easter, my mate and I were looking at the bathroom I was going to replace. I had a quote, it was a good chunk in labour and my mate is a competent DIYer and my close circle of friends were in various trades, all in debt to me in some way.

After an afternoon of beers, we were stood staring at the bathroom, he was bemoaning that I was going to pay 1500 quid to fit something he felt we could fit in a week.

A few moments later, he picked up the club hammer we had in the hallway, went into the bathroom and smashed my sink up, before informing me we would start tomorrow.

Two weeks is what it took, two weeks of hell, I ordered the bulk of what we needed online, then moved into screwfix for the rest.

The best part of it was replacing the ceiling, forgetting to open the windows and ending up rolling around on the floor giggling from the glue fumes.

Then I smashed up the cast iron bath that was in there, and a bit went through the new ceiling, right in the middle, and I had to start again.

I called in favours from plumbers, tilers and sparkies to get the job done. Tiling took forever, had to rip out the wall, put plasterboard back up and hope it held.

Worst Easter ever. Still it cost less than expected. And there is nowt quite like watching your mate Billy the Fish gurning his face off tiling with a can of special brew in one hand and a tab hanging out his mouth.

Spartan – lime green two door cupboard, a metal clothes rack, one bed, new Seally mattress on though, 1980s student style work desk, parquet flooring.

Labour not an issue I pay 7GBP per day just now to my day staff, I was thinking of those all in one IKEA loft beds with desk and cupboards, and one of those standard Ikea arm chairs for them to sit in.

AS it is me at the top, and my only boss is located 200km at another site, if it isn’t done by me, it doesn’t get done.

That is a considerable number of people effected, although I do get paid for the long hours just not an hourly rate, I would hate to calculate the actual rate though

^ it would and it therefore makes it not as attractive depending on which customs person picks it up.

I’ve had bike parts from Taiwan duty free, but a crappy kipling bag, cost me 30 quid tax

Just discovered Outback by Sanfransico bags, hard choice.

https://www.sfbags.com/collections/sleeves-cases-for-surface-pro-3

Working overseas I have had private health insurance for my family and I for a while now.

The last post the insurance cover wasn’t as good as I wanted with a toddler, so didn’t take it on for my wife and daughter and went with separate cover for them.

It’s not cheap, that cost me 200GBP per month for them, but I knew that in an emergency, there was a private airambulance from the local SOS to get them some where a bit more civilized.

40GBP per month seems good value, but I would read that small print carefully, what is the max per claim, does it cover out patients, does it cover medicine fully.

I spent two months choosing William Russel speaking to different providers, declaring the wife’s blood disorder, and then being able to get William Russel to change the conditions so they were clearer and covered us in the event of an emergency.

^ UK seller into Thailand with the hopes I don’t get bummed by customs

I was going for Noreve direct until I found their Pro 3 cover for sale at 55 quid, which with the VAT off and shipping made it about 20 quid cheaper for the bog standard cover.

Now if I can’t get it cheaper, I will either go full custom from them, or just get a Maroo, which is about the same price, but just not as niche.

This was a Noreve case – I fancied being a posh git, unfortunately my dreams are dashed.

^ About what I thought.

Bit miffed as the tablet covers aren’t cheap and his pre-VAT price made it really good value.

I’ve discovered that the last two days of constipation, has not been helped by consuming various habanero sauces. And now the plug has loosened up a bit I am squirting liquid fire every few minutes.

Here we go again…

Many uses

^ oddly no.

Not sure why zombies and aliens are the main bad guys. I had terrorists a few months ago, but they were aliens in disguise

Mrs Q gets a beating in her sleep every so often.

This is normally due to me either kicking or punching zombies, or aliens.

There have been a few strikes that have really hurt her, thankfully they were on her legs, so the bruises could be hidden.

I once woke up mid swing as I was about to whack an alien, to realise that it was a huge one and I was heading for her head, I changed aim, and punched the bedside table hard enough to bruise up my hand badly.

It’s been a while since I’be had a bad one, although a few weeks ago I did violently launch the duvet across the room with a hefty kick.

I have vague recolection of waking up to a sore foot from getting out of bed and hoofing the bed one, waking us both up, and on questioning as to why I had just punted the bed, I told her I was kicking an alien that was under it.

My work stress seems to come out in dreams.

Edit – weirdly whenever this happens, she pats my head says something soothing and lets me go back to sleep.

Looking at school website it seems that OFSTED are in so he may have other things on his mind atm!!

It certainly could be ass to mouth if OFSTED are in.

The flight is on emirates, so a box might not be a bad idea, 30kg allowance, save 8kg on a bag.

^ True, pants and if it is your socks as well, you are stuffed.

^^ why does one remember to check for bog roll 30s after sitting down for a 1000wiper crap in a public toilet.

I had a dream that reoccured, or at least I think it did, about bodies I had buried in local fields.

I found it very hard to distinguish between it being real and not real, and was quite worried about it for a while, as it kept happening.

I’m pretty sure now that it didn’t happen.

I set fire to myself in a science lesson once doing a demo.

Spraying salt solutions in ethanol onto a flame to show colours of metal ions, it didn’t work, spray clogged up, so in a moment of madness I decided to undo the top of the bottle and pour it on flame – a big woosh and burning green all around. No students on fire, so all good, and then it was pointed out that my leg was burning.

Big 10p and 50p holes up my trousers, had to wear them all day. Ever since I have kept spare cheap trousers in my desk drawer, even though I am now admin.

The dirty disco bundles look good value

OOh fun thread

Make crater makers – one small empty co2 cartridge, lots of shotgun shells from your mates farm, pour in shotgun propelant, make fuse and take out to friends garden.

Blow a basketball sized crater in frozen garden.

Go home, slightly stoned, decide to set off last crater maker, fuse goes out, instead light paper, blow out and force in hole. one spark jumped out, and I lept backwards, a bit of metal stuck in my leg and hearing knackered for two days, but still had my hand.

Hang off side of gf jeep in winter on frozen roads skating at 70mph in 4wd, because it won’t all go wrong.

Close eyes riding bike to school down steep hill to see what happens.

For a bet, dear god I can’t remember how wasted I was to do this, put a drop of tobasco on the eye of your knob. It sobers you up quick.

While under the unfluence of mind altering things, climb up the outside of an old ruined church, out the window, and onto a ledge 1m below only to realise you are now ledge locked 4m up in the air or at least it looks like 4m, when you realise that in fact there is a 2m deep hole of nettles down there as well.

So many more,

There is only one place to go at a time like this:

http://thechapmagazine.co.uk/

Yes. I hate it.

Every time I turn it on to automatic, it tries to take me on a detour to the largest busiest and most dangerous main road it can find.

I gave up with it.

Is she the one who Mick Jagger stuck a Mars in her snatch?

I’ve known people who have only just got into work at 40 because their benefits were being cut and tax topups are now better value, all self employed and all no doubt fiddling that.

Contacted them. I don’t want to put my marathons back on, even though they cost loads, Kommandos are fairly quick and grip well, but wear by looking at them.

sat in my mates flat on the Quayside in Newcastle, a particularly heavy weekend was just about over. He had rented out the flat to a film with Patsy Kensit in it as their green room, but could use it at the weekend.

Chatting to Scottish guy, I was worse for wear, a good 45 minutes of chatting to a point where he said – you have not idea who I am, do you?

No he was correct I didn’t.

Have you seen mission impossible 2?

Yes it was crap.

Right, well the final beach fight scene, that is me fighting tom cruise.

I pondered at this, looked at him again and said something along the lines of – nope, don’t remember you at all, do you want a toke?

and then realised that everybody in the room, my mates, his people were all listening to the conversation, and a slight feeling of paranoia kicked in and I went home.

I believe he was wearing a kilt, not sure if he had any diesel in his sporon on not.

1 of you take care of all children, rest go to strip club then swap,

Met in a British Gas show room in Newcastle.

What about Surface 3 and Pro 3 – is the size and grunt worth it, or is the portability of the Surface 3 give it an advantage and a standard charging socket?

^ It is.

It is like top trumps of nonces, Rolf trumped Jimmy in the jokes and came after Jimmy in the news, so was bigger news.

or something like that.