We had a phantom pooer in Korea, a country obsessed with poos.

The male staff toilet would have a poo floating on paper in it about once a week, always at different times.

One day, I was heading into the loo, and it smelled as if someone had really bad runs, and stank, I saw a pair of student shoes under the door, so I left and waited. I knew something was up.

I was trying to singal for the head to come out and help, or the vice head, but they were too busy talking, I had to go in and grab them, to apprehend this student.

As I turned in the door to shout to them, and turned back, I saw a student running up the stairs, out of sight.

THe VH and I went to the toilet to see what mischief had been going on, to find the toilet walls, everything really smeared in poo, with finger prints everywhere, I told him the student had gone upstairs, he ran off like superman charging through classrooms looking for him.

We never caught him.

That student must have been stinking off poo, reaking, and they blended back into the crowd.

The phantom pooer never struck again.

What I do, when I don’t want to do something is…………not do it.

I’ve always found that works for me, rather than procrastinating over it.

If it’s work related, then sometimes it needs to be done, because I am being paid to not want to do it, however in my own time.

stovies

I had the pleasure of watching all my students train for the x country race at school, from KG up to 16 year olds.

My daughter, was never going to win the KG race, about 500m, as she was just too slow, and easily distracted.

Race day came, and the school is outside, we are all there cheering on the KG, my daughter is going for it for the first meter or so then gets slower and slower, then walks.

As the running group of KG kids passes the furthest away corner, my daughter is no where to be seen, and then we spot her squated down on the floor examining something.

One of her TA’s heads back to spur her on. we are now opposite the crowd about 100m away. THe rest of the KG have now finished. Kids are cheering her on, its the heads daughter, go on , you can do it.

She stops again and starts examining a tree, TA tries to spur her on a bi tmore, they get a few more minutes she crouches down to pick something up, and shows it to everybody, 100m or so away and shouts something, we can’t hear, but it must be important.

Again the TA moves her on, oh no, she is now running the opposite way and heading back, what is she doing. Oh returning to the spot she just saw something interesting at to look at it again.

I send out an older student to help run with her.

THey move prbably another good 50m on the crowd goes wild, she decides that the trees are probabl more interesting than running. The older student looks on bemused, the TA encourages, she examines.

Two more students are sent out, to try and get her to the finish.

AFter another 5 minutes of walking, talking, looking and touching things, she nears the finish line and in she comes

13 and a bit minutes after everybody else on a 500m course.

As she crossed the line she ran up to her teacher – ” I saw a butterfly, catterpillars and lots of ants.”

^ So a pixie broke STW.

I keep thinking this thread is about that chav tastic credit shop that has huge APRs and weekly payments

Phoenix doesn’t appear to be just now. working

Shame. otherwise impressed

I am messing about with it now, but an’t get a cbeebies feed

The comment on teachers is very true. The kids fit in until a big expense comes up and then they don’t.

Kids that get flown off to HK or Singapore for every holiday to go shopping, while the teachers kids have to stay in whatever country the school is in.

One of the conversations was just on that – one of the outdoor ed people had just paid 4000USD for his daughter to do an adventure trip to the US with school. He had organised it so knew it was a decent trip and one off so sucked it up and paid.

I never went on any school trips, mainly due to my poor behaviour.

If it’s Arnold Clark, I would just go along to the showroom that sold you the car, take a look at some other cars in there with a discrete packet of fresh prawns hidden in your pocket and hide the around different cars.

That way at least you will get some satisfaction after they have bummed you.

^ I contacted Newcastle city council on one of their security trucks speeding on our road with a 20mph limit going around twice that or more.

Told them I knew it had GPS and telemetrics and to check them.

They emailed me back about a week later to say yes it was going faster than 30 in a 30 zone and the driver would be spoken to.

I told them it was a 20mph zone and I’ll have your superiors contact details, thank you, as you don’t know what you are talking about.

Received a personal letter of apology from someone higher up for the incident and the poor handling of it.

I was at a conference a few weeks back with schools from around South East Asia.

UWCA were there – United World College, Asia. Seen as one of the best schools in the world.

Their Outdoor Ed guy told me the following facts about them.

400+ Overseas trips per year
Only 5% going to Malaysia, their neighbour
$3million on flights for overseas trips
Trips are capped at $5k max
Cheapest is less than $500

Impressive figures

ajantom – I sent you an email regarding the midges

Why are there no rat look steel bikes?

A lad I know out here’s daughter was sick, he is a single dad, so was the one that had to take her to the doctor.

His daughter is bilingual, Dad is passable Thai.

As they stood there at the counter of the doctors with him trying to explain to the person behind the counter what was wrong with his daughter, she kept pulling his arm and saying Daddy.

After a good few attempts, she gave one last hard tug,at the dad looked at her, and asked her what is wrong, I’m trying to explain what is wrong with you.

“Daddy! This is the vets!”

RIght I’m stopping now, I appear to have gone a bit wild and bought loads of things.

I won’t be able to return any either as they will be hauled out here with a relative in their suitcase.

Good excuse to build another bike from spare parts though

Once I get the bars I’ll drop it at my local shop and have him fit them, flip the stem, redo my outers which are too tight to flip the stem. I know my seat height to bar drop is quite high, but it feels comfortable pedaling it for an hour or so on the hoods, just in the drops is a bit much a few kms is ok, but after that it just annoys.

Hmm, on ebay just now looking for second hand so I don’t end up spending a fortune.

I want some of those gel inserts as well for under the tape.

^ I don’t know.

both maybe? I just know the ones I have aren’t right for me, and shallow flared drops appear to be the answer.

As for cost of jabs – rabies isn’t cheap, jap encephalitis kills you, hep b makes you go yellow.

Google child with rabies – youtube – bloody horrifying.

Saying that, never had the vaccinations, just get the jabs when/if I get bit. twice now.

Hep B
Jap Encephalitis – possibly, recommended up here for locals who live in and around the jungle.

^ I read it two times to understand.

I was hoping for a photo of a mans head trapped inside the end of a willy

Australia – somewhere about 300km away from Adelaide, up the Murray river. Location back packing hostel.

After a long shift pruning grapes, which I enjoyed as I could get really stoned, listen to music and trim vines, I returned to the hippy mecca that was the hostel I stayed at.

As I walked into the bathroom to go and get a shower, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye, it was a small Japanese man having a poo sat on the toilet.

This startled me, I slipped on some wet floor, and whacked my toe off the wall with a crack and a bang.

I stood up, we both looked at my toe, and realised that something was amiss, it was huge swollen and black, then the pain started, nearly vomit inducing pain.

The small Japanese man sat back down, cleaned himself up and helped me to the living room. Where we decided hospital was probably best.

Three people carted me out to my weird backpacking minivan, I got more stoned and they drove me to a small local hospital that appeared to be shut.

Somehow after pushing various buzzers, I managed to get into the first outer corridor, but still sealed out from the main hospital. Given my somewhat baked state, the really sore toe, and the need to sit down, i tried to sit on the trolley bed that was there, only to find it shot off in one direction, and I went in the other, just as the duty nurse opened the door to let me in.

On my back, half laughing half in pain, somewhat sheepish she took me in and looked at my toe, told me it was probably broken, booked an x-ray for the next day and then gave me some 60mg codeine – plus some spares for later, told me not to drink or smoke on them and go home come back tomorrow.

As I left i was given some crutches.

Obviously I decided not to heed her instructions and went straight to the bottle shop as it was Friday night, and got into my usual routine of drinking and smoking.

At some point in the evening, around 9pm or so, I decided to see how fast I could race down the corridor with my crutches, maybe spurred on by the lovely buzz I had on.

As I raced down the corridor with my 18 year old Dutch girlfriend watching, oh yes those were the days, I swung my right foot into the back of the crutch with considerable force and there was a very loud crack. Loud enough that the guy coming out of the lounge stopped, looked and said something about it not sounding good. Dutch girlfriend, swore at me in dutch for being a tool

After some giggling and maneuvering to get to the lounge area, and examining my foot, we decided that from the look of the bent limp toe, that I had manage to break that one as well. On the opposite foot to my other breakage earlier in the evening.

I returned to hospital on Saturday, hung over, and sheepishly had to show the doctor my broken toe, and then ask about the other one, which was now black and twice the size it should be.

I was only booked in for one x-ray, and he commented that about bloody drunken stoned backpackers not following the instructions for the meds and not taking care of myself.

I felt like a bit of a nob, he told me to my face I was one and had I learnt my lesson of not drinking on pain killers.

^ were you wearing beige chinos?

While on an island in SE asia, I whacked my nuts on the front of my motorbike, quite hard, whilst possibly riding when I shouldn’t have been and braking a bit late.

Two days later, while having a relaxing morning pull, my man juice came out brown.

I trundled myself to the local hospital on the island to explain to the lady behind the desk what was wrong and could I see a doctor. Well while explaining this, a lovely western couple came in and stood beside me.

The receiptionist told me while I was waiting, I should look through the STD identifying photos to see if I could spot mine.

I stood their half shocked, looking at the photos, as she pointed at them and asked me if it looked like that.

The couple looked on horrified. I tried explaining that my balls were black with a bruise on them, but she just kept turning pictures.

Doctor gave me a load of anti clap antibiotics to take, and asked me to go and crack one off in a cup, I explained that there wouldn’t be much as that is how I had found out and I was told to return tomorrow.

Nobody believed that I had whacked my nuts, even with the bruise there.

When I went back the next day, with my cup of slightly less brown spunk, the same couple were there where I had to hand over my sample to the receptionist who held it up to inspect it in
front of them.

Called back a day later to be told it was blood, not to worry about it as the swelling was going down and I should be OK.

Humiliating it was.

Do not put it in any bum holes for now.

I got a kilo from the local wholesalers once, and ate them all in one sitting, then nearly pooed myself for the next 48 hours every time i farted.

You look like a ****

I haven’t been to the hairdressers and I still look like a ****. Just had a check in the mirror and I can confirm.

^ It is effectively that. The old administrator came across as strong and purposeful, but there was this underlying fear that it is difficult to recruit people outside of the city. So she let people get away with things, some terrible things, that would have you suspended from post anywhere else.

I’m by no means any sort of super head who knows everything, but I do know that having favourites, letting people do what they want, and bending rules to favour the parents is not how to do things.

One of the long term staff was moaning at me weeks ago about how the old head had favourites, my response was, “I dislike all of you equally” thankfully he understands my humour.

^ I am. And when it comes to duty of care I am somewhat over protective of everything.

I’ve got a parental revolt against fee rises, with one father trying to ruin the our name and again strong laws to protect him and his family, even though we are fee paying. Although I don’t have to take his two year old in.

One of the best parts of the last few weeks has been sitting him down and telling him that his daughter misses the cut off date by 6 days.

Can I bend the rules for him and let her in.?

Can you stop being a twunt? No. Then why on earth would I want to help you out?

Tina Turner in her current years

^ Just cats posted through the letter box would be bad enough, they would be all broken, dead and leaking if they had to be squeezed through

I have the limited edition Nurburgring STI version of this, just serviced, bargain at around 150GBP on sale.

I’m told, getting stabbed in the bum hole is one of the harshest forms of punishment as it takes a long time to heal due to bacteria and if done properly it severes the sphincter muscles and you need a colostomy sack.

Many years ago, my mate, a bit naughty, was knifed in the pub, as his legs buckled under him, he shat himself, and shouted you “twunts you have stabbed me in the arsehole and went mental, until someone said don’t worry mate, it’s only your back.” bruised the spinal cord so he was ok in the end.

Why have I told that story – as you come off a drop, your bum hits the front of the seat, the leverage snaps the seat off, you hit another bump and wham, you’ve just been stabbed in the bum hole by a carbon spike.

Not really a great story to tell people at the pub as to why you have a colostomy sack.

4ft11 to 6ft4

about 50kgv heavier

Sphincter cramp after sneezing, pain that should not exist in any mans bottom.

Generally the rule of thumb is that if you get sick in the tropics, it can probably kill you.

Most of them will have seen it before…

Very true, although as I was hidden in the hut, and the only people who knew I was in a mess were three random boys from London who had stopped me from drowning as it all went wrong; I suddenly had no energy to snorkel any further, and realised that if I didn’t summon the help of three strangers who were snorkeling near by, I might not make it out of the water. The kindly carried me back to the beach and to my hut.

I was young, knew about malaria, but didn’t know about anything else. Not sure why I never worried it wasn’t malaria, although I was too messed up to care really.

No one thought to get you to a hospital? Dengue kills people.

Didn’t know it was dnegue until I was on the mainland in seeing a doctor, who had trained in Edinburgh, what on earth was wrong with me

If you have a weak body you would probably be dead.

Possibly. It wasn’t the best thing to happen, although it certainly is memorable. Combine it with the heat stroke I had initially and what I thought was the world’s worst hangover and it wall went really wrong.

Wrapped in a wet sarong for hours on the first day or so as it got progressively worse with a fan blowing a gale at me to keep me cool, as my body had gone a bit mental and appeared to have stopped sweating.

At that point I did consider getting off the island, then it all went tits up and I was in a mess.

M People – whatever they are, I hate it/