Tough love is the right term – but I think used in the wrong direction by most here. Piemonster (now officially a STW sage) is right, be a good parent. Its going to be tough for you and importantly the ex. You need to agree what you do and stick to it. Not just for a couple of weeks either. He’s behaved like this for ages so you will have to put the effort in for ages/years. You need to show an example. And consistency is the key.
Plan events and discuss how you are saving for new bike/computer/holiday /etc so he sees the need to work to achieve. Talk about the new drum kit and how he will get it. Create his aspiration, not yours. He will have one somewhere. As others have said it may well take years to find though.
Give responsibility as much as possible. If he’s at home and you’re working tell him to get the evening meal sorted. Not just on the day though. Discuss the week ahead. A small amount of cash to get ingredients rather than a take-away. That means he also has to see you cooking and not just picking up a pizza.
If you don’t reject him but give a firm consistent patten of behaviour (you and ex mrs) with strong example of a life that you enjoy living he will respect you and recognise your love, eventually.
Good luck.