Yeah, Sweden. Moved here because of her, bought the house as a project for us, all the things.

I am still here. I spent last night at a friend’s place, had a couple of beers with him, talked a lot, watched a tonne of old skydiving videos, talked a lot more. This morning I drove myself to the PsykAkuten (ER for mental health) and asked them for help. I was there three hours, broke down twice. They were caring, concerned and have given me some very mild drugs to help me sleep and enough anti-depressants to last me to the appointment I have with the GP on Friday coming. They also helped me create a crisis plan and said to me that, if it got too much, I could come back and they would admit me.

I got home and found my GF there. She’d come back to do laundry and collect some things, but it was unexpected and took its toll. I broke down again when talking to her, but she gave me a hug and I missed her so much again. I’m not sure we finished our conversation, but I know from what she has said that a reconciliation will never happen. Couples’ counselling will only help us break up better, so I will try and organise that. She left after a while and I started to do DIY to try and take my mind of things and just to feel like I had a purpose. I now need to go out tomorrow and buy more panel to fix the woodshed, but i can finish one job on my list tomorrow. I may even be able to finish the car port before autumn and the neighbour (roofer) has said that he can order the stuff I need to complete that, which is nice.

Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I still don’t feel like eating.

Second visit to KBT today and I broke down quite badly. It was difficult to breath and physically painfully and the grief was worse than when my father died. I called a counselling helpline earlier just for someone to talk to and ended up curled in a ball on the floor crying.

The feeling of loss, pain, isolation and fear is more than I have ever known. It is nearly impossible to function on a normal level all the time. I get flashes of time when I can focus, then my head clouds over and i start feeling sick and tearing up.

I managed to eat today (well, instant noodles), but slept really badly again. Cat does not help with this, but is so proud of the mice he catches and it is the least I can do to compliment his hunting prowess and watch him eat it.

I was told “This too shall pass” and I know it to be true but, right now, cannot in all honest believe it. I am seriously considering going to the psykakuten (mental health ER) to try and get some more immediate assistance. I have my last meeting now and after that I am driving to see a friend that has been through this before and will discuss that with him.

@jimw Same here. Never thought I would see my old area leave the Tories, but it’s now a LibDem seat and that makes me happy.

Just checked out a lot of the results for areas I know. A good shows by the LibDems (around Cambridge) and Labour, but the Reform vote is worrying and the national result does not (imho) represent them fairly. Ed Davey has done well I think, but he needs to be worried about 2029.

How did Count Binface do? I know Sunak held his seat, but did the Count get his deposit back and is he in with a chance in the by-election when Sunak leaves for the US?

I have my second session of counselling today and have booked an appointment with the local doctor to maybe get meds for the depression, but certainly to start trying to get referrals for the other shit I have wrong with me.

Did a job interview yesterday, which was tough, trying to pretend I was a normal person and sell myself whilst feeling like shit. Nothing will happen with that until after summer, so I don’t really need to worry about that right now.

The summer holiday is going to be really difficult. Skydiving is really weather dependent and that is effectively all I have planned. I can’t spend all of my time at the DZ and will need to come back here for laundry and stuff and that will be difficult. I also need to start on jobs that she has started on and I will now need to finish, like renovating windows and some building work. I have decided to stay in the house, despite all the memories it holds, because, well, it’s the only place I have roots here, the only place I have ever felt at home. Sadly, a large part of that was due to her. I’ll see how long that feeling stays, I can always finish the bigger renovation jobs and then look to sell. I have no idea when she will move out though, or how we are going to share the place if I am around and so is she.

I keep thinking about the garden, how much effort she has put into it, how she is now not going to get to enjoy it. She told me that I will enjoy it now. We were supposed to enjoy it together. She even bought two new plants for the bed she has just finished making. I still don’t know why.

Gib? It’s a rock. Literally just a rock. I have been there twice for work and it’s essentially just a lot of houses clinging to a large rock. Most of the people I met lived in Spain and crossed the border every day for work and I did not see anyone on a mountain bike the whole time I was there. Or a road bike for that matter.

Sure, go for work, but I really do not think that it’s a great place for biking.

Yeah, we’ll see I guess. Maybe after the summer break (not really a holiday now, just time away from home) I’ll be in a better frame of mind.

As for the experience thing, I can’t get to BPW @stanley, sorry. Too far away and the Stumpy still needs the service I have been promising it for a year. But I got relationship baggage that will turn your hair white. All part of the problem now I guess. Certainly one of the reasons for the current mess.

I know, deep down, that it is unlikely I can change enough to change her mind. I have to try though, she is _that_ important to me, worth _that_ much. I can’t just give up on that. It would be much easier if she had said that she did not love me any more, but I have to hope.

I’m also trying really hard not to think of the mechanics of things, like the house, cat, that sort of thing, but I will have to soon enough, either by moving out myself, or her doing the same. If I stay, well, I don’t know. I’ll be in a place we tried to make a home, surrounded by memories of her. But this is the only place I have to call home in a country that I moved to to be with her. I don’t have that much stuff (well, not as much as I used to), but moving is always hard and here at least I have/had a feeling of belonging. How much of that was down to her I do not yet know. If we sell, or if I move, I lose even that. I don’t know if that is worth the memories.

That is a decision for the future though. I just ned to decide what the next few weeks will look like first.

I have written and deleted many times. I’ve actually written a physical letter to her, even though I do not know when she will be home or if it will make a difference.

I need to stop wtiting long responses then deleting them.

Thanks all, even Alpin.

Things are still way to raw for anything meaningful to sink in, but I did visit a KBT specialist this afternoon for an initial meeting/assessment and he seemed competent. Did ask about dark thoughts and suicide, did look slightly concerned when I said “yes, but not seriously”. Have booked another meeting with him on Friday.

Currently trying to hide in work, despite it being a long time since I slept. Food is making me feel sick, I don’t see that changing any time soon. I was dreading coming home from town.

If the law is vague, or general, and open to interpretation, then people will have a view on it. That will depend on ther own beliefs, experience and/or morals (see Roe vs. Wade and 2nd amendment).

If you make a law specific, then people will find a way around it, if it is more general, it _will_ be open to interpretation.

Dammit… Images. Well, just imagine Goldmember from Austin Powers

On exercise… When I am in AF (paroxysmal, no immediately known cause), I have very little ability to exercise at my peak. I’ve done it when i have had to, but with the top part of the heart maxing out and the lower part struggling to fill effectively, it’s not a good thing and probably will result in me passing out. Hence, if I do get AF, I stop and have a sit down until it goes away.

For me, normal rhythm == normal exercise. 21min 5k, half marathons, long bike rides, Crossfit, etc. But… I can _never_ got to 100% because my brain is always concerned that I will jump into AF. It’s held me back for a long time and was a big factor in several recent issues I have had with my mental health.

AF and alcohol are linked, but I am not sure how. Certainly a large number of chronic alcoholics have/can have AF, but is the correlation or causation? IANAD. I know that my fitness improved a tonne when I stopped smoking and cut down on alcohol, but that was also at a time when I had the RF ablation and could actually exercise more, so maybe there is a general link between fitness and AF.

FWIW, on my first episode, I walked into A&E as told the reception “there is something wrong with my heart” and. got seen by nurses before I had filled out the paperwork. Cardioversion happened a few hours later. Now I am in Sweden (and would like to actually have access to Flecainide or the modern equivalent) I tried calling the care phone lie to get a referral and never got a call back, despite registering the call as AF/arrhythmia. No idea if that is lower priority here, or just poor service.

Signal is a similar/better option if you do not fancy Meta knowing the metadata of your conversations.

BUTT… A lot of people have WhatsApp and use it without issue.

Yeah, one of those. I used a jigsaw with the only blade that I could find to do a load and the thinness of the ply and the curves made it a terrible cutting experience.

Yes, I went through this four times with my ex-wife. It was a very, very difficult time for us both with both the hormones and the pregnancies that followed and, ultimately, we were not able to overcome things and divorced.

How did we cope at the time? I don’t know. I tried to be as supportive as I could be (small things like washing up helped), but the hormones that were raging through her system often meant arguments with tiny triggers and a lot of the time that meant me accepting the grief. I had work to help me with some space (but that is _not_ a solution) and I had the TA as another breather (but that is _not_ a solution).

Honestly, I recommend finding a good counsellor, potentially one for both of you together, potentially one for each separately. Talking to someone that is objective can help; IVF is terribly, terribly hard on both a body and a mind.

I really, really hope that you have success!

I had a stone bounce up into my eye whilst scything once. I sae thh damn thing coming, SAW IT, and could not jerk away or blinkfast enough. Ended up in ER having the eye rinsed out and the small flap of conjunctiva put back. Eye drops for ages.

I’ve used goose poo as a lubricant for getting my feet in wakeboard bindings. People using the Box End cable might understand that

Heading north to try and get 24 hour, round the clock skydiving in. If I am lucky, the plane will be fixed, otherwise I am going to hang out with some friends and take the road bike out.

Dammit, not so good and very glad you are ok. Hope you heal up good and the police can find the scrotes.

Also, BS6? I used to live up that way (above Montpellier) when i was working in town. St. Pauls was a bit crappy in places, but it was changing (for the better I thought).

Scrap wood, bike bits, random kit. Yes, guilty as charged.

I really should clear out the workshop a bit so that I can actually do things like use the bench, but the widows we have there could/will be useful when my GF builds the place in the forest and that scrap ply always comes in handy when building stuff.

I’ve done a couple in my time and I do not think anything has changed because of them. The more destructive one was leaving a place I had an existing grievance registered and I was very honest with them about the reason I was leaving. Zero shits were given by the company, zero changes. The manager remained and managed to destroy the last vestiges of trust that department had in the org.

If/when I leave this place, I almost expect the same thing to happen, i.e. no change. But… It will highlight the problems and it might do something. I’ll be professional and honest because I hate burning bridges and my industry is quite small.

Loved your art and your long-distances diaries, so it is a sad day. But… Good luck with the next adventure and welcome James!

I may, just may, have to apologise to Pat Sharp (of Fun House fame) for repeatedly asking him if he was Pat Sharp from Fun House when he was DJing at a bar in London I was at with my poker mates many years ago. He kept reminding me that, yes, he was Pat Sharp from Capital FM but he has been and always will be Pat Sharp from Fun House.

In my defence, it was a friday night and I had been socialising quite hard for a few hours at that point.

Pat, I am sorry, but I still have the autograph (and yes, I did notice you added “Capital FM” under your name. Well played.).

Spinning bike wheel and attempting to stop it by inserting finger through the spokes. A friend did that at school.

Maybe best to just have the tendon sliced and reattached though.

Count Binface is, I believe, standing directly against Sunak in his constituency. Given his (Binface’s) recent strong finish ahead of the far right in the London election and his similarly strong ties to the constituency, I expect a close race.

Why are space lasers always Jewish? Do they not also have Catholic ones? How about Bhuddist? Would atheist space lasers be more, or less, effective than ones with a faith?

@geomickb I never moved out as I was the only one that had a job when the process was going on, and so was the only one that could re-mortgage in a sole name. It took until the Decree Absolut came in and she had the money in her hands that she left. We had been sharing the house up until that point and ony really seeing each other if we had to.

It was not an amicable divorce.

And no, there was no way I was moving out given that I was the only person paying the mortgage or any of the bills.

@Kramer Eh? What???? A two hour session of slapping the snooze button every 10 minutes is giving me jet-lag?

Did my GF tell you to say that? Is this the visible result of lobbying from the “Early Wakers” and their plan to convert the people who like to be doing stuff a little later in the day?

GF does this because she has done it for years. At weekends this means that she has done a lot of random things by the time I drag myself down at 8am but, during the week, there is less of a differential (I usually get down about 6am when she leaves for work).

I’m more awake more late in the day, so it means I am chronically sleep deprived.

@swdan The thing is, Felixstowe was huge in Victorian times and a lot of the older areas and buildings are really nice. The only problem is that no one wants to visit the place any more and so it is chronically under-invested. It is literally _just_ the port now.

As you say though, there are relatively few places on the coast in Suffolk that you can have a beach experience. Southwold and Aldeburgh have huge issues with second home ownership and gentrification, Orford and Woodbridge too (even though they are more estuary than coast) and the smaller villages are just not suitable. Leiston has Sizewell and significant problems and, before you know it, you’re either in Norfolk or Essex.

Felixstowe. Certainly not touristy, but 100% fails the test for “never live anywhere at the end of a road”.

Mother’s side grandfather was in the Royal Artillery. Fought in Africa (many extremely scary stories), fought in Italy. Got captured, escaped, got shot, kept escaping and ended up finishing the war out fighting with the Italian partisans.

If I had to remember one story about him it would be the one where he was trying to demonstrate a one man band to the local kids (pan lids tied to knees, etc) when the Germans rolled into town and he had to leg it, complete with attached cooking implements.

He taught me how to fish.

@SaxonRider No, by all means be that guy. I keep being reminded by Duolingo that Finland is not part of Scandinavia, but it is easier for me to include them in the example because of the superficial similarity. I’m nearly at the end of the course and it is still a difficult language. At least with Swedish I can talk that daily at work and even have a practice with Norwegian if I feel like visiting friends around the corner. Finnish? Nope. No one nearby.

Russian so that I can understand what the little cyberscrotes are saying without having to use Google Translate.

Also, Scandinavian languages… Kinda, but not quite. Norwegian is, to me at least,  like drunk Swedish and Finnish has the same letters, but is just different in so many way. Danish is, well, like trying to speak with a mouth full of gravel and Icelandic is the oldest of them all. It’s similar, but just out of reach for me. Estonian is kinda like Finnish, sorta and I have no idea bout Lithuanian or Latvian.

There was a case of a man and his 12 year old son only last week..

Yes, that was a friend of mine from school and was a tough thing to find out. Glen Coe MRT (and other teams) went out for him but, sadly, did not find him in time. If you are part of that team, thank you. I know you would have done everything you could.

Dear gods! That sounds like the worst possible rollercoaster for you! I don’t really have the words to say anything other than I have fingers crossed for you. All of the fingers.

I was born in Suffolk and, whilst it is a nice place, moved out when I could, starting with university and then for work. I ended up living near Cambridge for a long while than taking the decision to sell up, sell off and move to Sweden.

I will never move back. Sweden has problems, but is generally a better place. Brexit tried to f me over, but it failed and, now that I have citizenship here, I don’t need to leave. I don’t want to leave. I like my small house in the country. I like my area.

@SaxonRider https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parachuting#Training

It’s one of the main routes in to skydiving.