Avoid feeling insecure about how unfit and overweight you are by simply ridiculing everyone who is faster than you or (god forbid!) wants to race their bike. Suggested phraseology is “bloody roadies on MTBs”, “They can’t ride technical stuff you know” and “ha ha look at their stupid shaved legs”
Then get back to buying pointless ‘bling’ for your bike, or selling your almost brand new components on STW because you’re having a ‘colour scheme change’
:)