Mates and I would go to this one class led by the fittest bird I have ever met. Half way through she would peel off her t-shirt to reveal her taut tanned self. Very popular class with the lads but I stopped going after she came round and checked my HRT – I was maxed out at 196 BPM – and she told me that a man my age should be careful pushing himself so hard.

F@@@ing salad again cos Im too knackered to cook anything and my wife is still on the “4pm no carb curfew” diet she started 17 years ago …

Cycle mechanics course. Should have taken some trainers to change out of my cleated shoes. Feet are killing me.

Comptroller General? Only if you have a joint current account.

Try calling her your “friend”. As in: “Hi, how are you? This is my friend Jane” People will get it immediately.

BTW, if anyone has been married twice, NEVER refer to your current as your “second wife” in her presence. NEVER. NOT. EVER.

You want your 26er to feel really strange, get a fat bike, ride that for two weeks, then go back to the 26. Feels like pedalling a toy bike till you land the first jump and realise you were in the air twice as long as the last time.

I’ll ask my mum. She cooked nothing but lentils for a month when she “discovered” them in the late 1970s. My brothers and I have never eaten them again.

“You don’t pay road tax!” Always gets me laughing.

Jason Statham (actually I think I fancy his girlfriend …)

48 and recently returned to MTB after moving out of London. Last bike was FS. New bike is a Fatty.