Sad to hear of your loss. I, too, am going through loss right now and finding it hard to do anything but shove it down with a sigh and carry on. What else can you do.
Had a health check last week and was asked a few questions about current mental health. Had a call from the doc and had checks since with a view to me being suicidal. I don’t really feel like that, more anger. Like, extreme **** anger. Again I just shove it down because what else can you do.
Apparently the warning signs were a quick tale of watching a friend drown and not reacting (age 7). The other, a few weeks later, a mate gets killed by a bus whilst cycling. I was there but didn’t see the impact as it was on the opposirte side to my view. At the time there was no support network (70s) and I never opened to anyone about it. I didn’t bury it but I didn’t ever discuss my feelings. I did the other day. I then discussed it with my partner who felt horrified I’d kept it under wraps for so long without detailed discussion.
Anyway, I could rattle on – long story short – it’s thought I suffered/am suffering with PTSD. I guess it explains the need I had to drink at 12 and the following history of drugs (something I always thought was done out of curiosity) not to mention self hate, anger and violence.
What I’m getting at is what others have said – trauma can be very delayed. Luckily we live in different times now and folk are aware of the need to address these things before they become a problem.
Good luck and again, sorry for your loss.