I’m sorry to hear this. As a Critical Care nurse I am regularly involved in the process of breaking bad news to patients and family members and, having had my own father die from cancer two years ago, have experienced it from both sides.
On the subject of a DNR though, one of the most important things to remember is that it isn’t a one-way street. Briadly speaking a DNR is purely put into place at a specific time and taking into account the (at the time) current prognosis and best interests of the patient. They can, and are often, reviewed and cancelled if prognosis improves and the use of CPR in the event of an arrest would be suitable, given potential quality of life.
Whatever happens I hope your Brother-in-Law remains comfortable through this.
On a broader note, something that is rarely mentioned in these discussions is that not having/refusing to accept a DNR is extremely unlikely to change a medical team’s plan if said patient were to arrest. If the medical opinion remains that commencing CPR would be futile and/or against the best interests of the patient then it’s likely the attending arrest team would cease CPR efforts fairly quickly.
It’s a difficult subject to broach with family and loved ones and, as a society, it would be far better if we could have these conversations with each other well before such requirements become necessary. Within Critical Care we are generally very good at having these conversations, which is likely helped by the public’s perception of what an admission to Intensive Care can mean, but elsewhere within the medical and nursing field they can be difficult conversations to have.
