In the darkest, dampest corner of the cave, Dawn French lay, legs akimbo, gently strumming out a steady rhythm on her budgie’s tongue…

[edit] seriously, how bored do you have to be to start a thread like this???

Hire Max Clifford in case there’s any bad publicity…

I’ve sent you an email Xiphon, just shooting off so speak soon… 🙂

I’d love to meet up for a pint and a bike natter but I’ve got a family commitment tonight unfortunately… 🙁

Interesting. Given what we’ve seen of the Hamiltons, are you male or female Shib?

I’m all man. She’s actually a very attractive woman in real life, charismatic, gregarious, sharp as a tack and very entertaining!

Get down off your pedal stool!

Is that like a turbo trainer??

Good shout! Shame the weather is conspiring against it… 🙁

Whilst I’m sure you’re more important than most people on the road it’s not about respect for the person, its respect for the occasion.

You started well, but then it all just turned into white noise…

ssssshhhhhhhhhhchhchhchchcccccccccccccccccccccssssssssshhhhhhhhccc

Christine Hamilton once pinched my bum at a charity function whilst I chatted with her husband Neil.

Should I get her arrested? 😉

Do it! Life goes on. My friend is an undertaker, he’s told me off on a few occasions for overtaking him.

He said I should waste my life crawling along behind the cortege at half the speed limit as a mark of respect!

How the hell can I respect someone who, a) I don’t know, and b) is holding me up while I’m trying to go about my daily work!

It’s in my will that I’m taken to my final resting place as fast as traffic conditions and the rules of the Queen’s highway will allow.

Honestly, pet hate of mine… Up there with cats and floral tributes.

Wheres Shiboleth? he will be along in a minute with some helpful advice…..

Yep, always happy to offer friendly, helpful advice. Fuggedabout insurance, spend the money on something worthwhile, and ALWAYS ASK THE VET FOR A QUOTE BEFORE HE UNDERTAKES ANY WORK.

If it’s cheaper to have the cat put to sleep, put it to sleep. I offer very competitive rates. 😉

I suppose it’s akin to Richard Gere’s love of rodents and Prince/Marilyn Manson/Marc Almond’s rib removal.

OrmanCheep, I’m both happy and a little sad to have been of assistance!

I had a boss who always asked if I’d had general anesthetic whenever I got my hair cut. I can imagine why Chwis might make such a joke, amazed it stuck for all these years though!

Is the guy in Spacemonkey’s vid doing what I think he’s doing with the finger on his left hand?? Dear god… 🙄

Edit: Ah, too hot for Drac’s tastes? 😉

I use these Nora Wellies which seem to be a popular choice amongst farmers. They’re unlined so require thick socks, but they don’t get that rotten stink that fabric-lined wellies seem to acquire very quickly.
Sunday best ones are Le Chameaux but they’re a bit spendy.

4. ????
5. Profit

Your dad doesn’t own a Chinese takeaway does he?

Kelvin asked for a range of options so he could decide which one suited his needs best. There’s no denying, it’s an option. A very effective one too. And when you’ve solved the cat problem, you can start using it to deter children from scrumping in the orchard. 😉 😉 😉 😀

This works for me…

😉

I like the slim lowtops… They seem to be comfier than regular Cons…

Nice! There’s been an influx of these into the UK due to a poor fruit year in Scandinavia. Lovely little birds…

I took them for a short time due to a girl I dated owning a cat. I couldn’t stay awake in the evenings and if I had a couple of drinks, I’d remember nothing about the evening… Quite worrying really.

I stopped taking them and returned to my usual lively self. 😉

non-drowsy antihistamines dont make me drowsy either.

I found they turned me into a complete zombie but also caused palpitations and insomnia akin to drinking several shots of espresso or Red Bull…

Apparently some people are more sensitive to the drowsy effects, and some don’t get on with pseudoephedrine. It seems I fall into both categories!

(which is just another reason for me to hate cats!!) 😉

Could just be a matter of getting used to it – I was the same way when I got a cat after not living in a house with one for a couple of years, took about a month or so to get over the allergy symptoms.

This kind of contradicts the generally accepted understanding of allergies. You can’t build up a tolerance because it’s an “allergic” reaction rather than an immune system reaction.

You can outgrow them, or they can come and go throughout ones life – I outgrew hayfever but cat allergy is constant and severe.

If anything, constant exposure will probably make the problem worse due to inflamed mucous membranes causing increased sensitivity to the allergens.

Only one solution: Get rid of the cat. No amount of washing, de-fleaing, hoovering will make a blind bit of difference – you’re allergic to a protein in the dander and saliva. The filthy little beasts spend all day licking themselves so dry saliva dust is constantly falling off them into the air.

Hoovering and dusting just sends clouds of the stuff into the air making the problem worse.

You can take antihistamines every day if you don’t need to work, think, speak, interact with others, socialise etc. because no matter what the label says, antihistamines make you drowsy.

The ones that claim not to are a con – they basically make you drowsy but then give you a shot of pseudoephedrine to try and wake you back up. This is awesome because it adds insomnia to your list of woes.

Trust me, the cat must go. It’s the only possible solution.

Just you wait till the sparrow hawks find your snack stop too

I have sparrowhawks in my woods, amazing birds. I’d much rather they picked off the weak songbirds rather than a pampered moggy that some irresponsible ****wit leaves outside from dawn til dusk to kill anything in sight.

The claw has now grown back and he is back to full killing/climbing strength!

Well that’s just awesome. Well done you! 🙄

That sounds fun! I’ve got plans on Sunday, but maybe I’ll get chance to have a drive up and see what’s going on… Hope it goes well! 🙂

I got one of the Fiskars ones from B&Q, about 20 quid I think but it’s flippin brilliant. Felled trees up to 8″ dia no problem, brilliant for pruning/lopping.

Highly recommended… Telescopic rather than folding, so slightly longer.

Another Grimsargh dweller here, Longridge Fell is great for an explore, lots of little paths that you can link together with fireroad climbs.

Very muddy at the moment though. A good route is to start at Hurst Green and ride up the Sandrock bridleway to Crowshaw Farm and then get on the fell at the old quarry. Climb fireroads up to the Trig and then do some exploring! There’s a great route locally known as The Jungle. It starts at Sam’s Viewpoint and takes you right down to Kemple End (top of Birdy Brow).
Then you’ve got a nice climb back up the “7 Bends” fireroad.

You can probably work out a lot using Google Earth, but spend an afternoon up there and you’ll find most of the rideable stuff. There are usually other riders up there at weekends that will help point you in the right direction.

If you see a strikingly handsome man on an orange Cotic Soul or a white Blur, that’ll be me… 😉

All very funny, but this vid was linked at the end, not seen it before…

I got an email off Trade 1st this week with some good offers on Hamilton and Purdy brushes…

Hamilton

Awesome.

Rather…
Watch…
P0rn…

I’d dig a 2ft deep channel the length of the dividing wall, length of Flexicoil on a bed of washed gravel (20mm recycled is fine for this), topped up with gravel and then 4-5″ if soil on top.

If the garden falls back towards the patio – and there’s a drain there – just run it into there.

While you’re at it, a few “herringbones” across the lawn will help enormously.

You don’t need much fall – literally the bubble on your level on one line – but the general rule of thumb is the deeper the better.

[edit] that’s assuming there’s a bed of some sort running all the way back to the house…

For roadbiking, I have an Assos sJ.13 luftSchutz shell, it’s unbelievably good. Ridiculously thin but surprisingly insulating when worn over a midlayer.

It’s breathability can best be compared to witchcraft. After a ride you can see little patches of salt on the outside where it’s wicked sweat through.

Wore it yesterday, 7°c, damp, showery and lots of roadspray on the chaingang. I had a Craft Windstopper-fronted l/s base layer, a long-sleeved jersey and the LuftSchutz on top. Perfect.

Not cheap, but the fit is excellent and the stretch panels do a brilliant job of keeping it snug but with lots of flexibility. And it packs smaller than a packet of Frazzles if you need to take it off.

We can hardly expect the Bridgette Joneses to modify their fences if they can’t even be arsed to keep an eye on where their boyfriend substitutes are during the day…
They’re too busy sobbing into their Chablis and filling in their menopause countdown diaries….

Would it be better if she was younger or older? Single or married? Male?

It was a sweeping generalisation based on my prejudicial and ignorant assumption that the majority of cats are owned by sad, lonely middle-aged divorced women who need the company of a dumb animal to warm their feet whilst they read 50 Shades of Bollox. They then turf them out of their miniscule maisonettes every morning before driving their Ford Ka to their primary school teaching jobs. Fact.

Didn’t know you were an old woman.

Beat me to it! 😀

Cougar, I’d be careful with a name like that… I’m non-discriminatory when it comes to species of feline…

Unless you’re the attractive older woman type of Cougar, in which case you’ll need sticks after experiencing my wood 😉

It is a cat doing what cats do – killing things – it isn’t doing it to spite you.

Have you ever found yourself in an empty room, arguing with yourself John??

At no point did it ever cross my mind that the cats are “picking on me” by killing birds in my garden. It’s the fault of the irresponsible owners who turn them out all day to kill with wanton abandon.

I know my comment about the marker pen was facetious, but I’m really beginning to warm to the idea. Something along the lines of “Keep this cat under control. Next time it gets the bullet”.

If it was in my 1 acre garden I think I’d be happy for them to roam free.

Wow, do you have a 1 acre garden too?? Who’d have thunk I could have so much in common with such a buffoon!

OP… How about having a quiet word with all your neighbours telling them your concerns… and asking them if they have a cat and any chance you could put a bell on the cat’s choler please ???

I don’t know where the cats are coming from… I could always trap them, shave them, and then write your diplomatic message on their flank in permanent marker… 😉