@bling bling

Erm, no, they're not.

A few years before the record attempt was dreamt up, Vine's output gained notoriety for a different reason when a large number of his jokes were attributed to the late Tommy Cooper in an e-mail that went around the world. "I remember talking to a comedian in Australia who was saying how great Cooper was and then started quoting my jokes back at me." There were plenty of unwelcome reminders back home, too: "It was annoying at the time. Chris Evans would be reading them out on his radio show, or Richard Whiteley on Countdown, all unattributed to me."

the independent

applications by 08/10/09…

yeah, would never stand up to the law lords imo.

surely this should just be full of tim vine gags.

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.''

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"… It's a basic skill isn't it….

"Exit signs – they're on the way out aren't they?." "

This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

The price of hearing aids has gone up?Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?…crematoriums"

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. Yes – I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End…'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express…

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said "How about Another 48 hours?" , he said "Tomorrow!"

i've noticed that a far fewer sheep have their tails docked nowadays than used to be. is there a reason for this?

Ti29er – Member

FWIW, I always clip-tie the brake levers too as it seems to prevent air moving up through the brake's servo system. Works a treat.

You have servos in your brakes? Didn't realise they made ABS for bikes yet…

i'm really enjoying this.

Spectrum Imaging[/url] in Newcastle have always been good. They send the prints and negatives separately so there's less chance of you loosing everything…

i changed the pads in my juicy 3s last night. What is normally a five minute job took me over an hour. It was partly caused by me being a cheapskate and buying s*p*r*t*r pads for which the hole in the rear of the pad to align with the caliper was on the small side (i had to physically force the pad onto the caliper with a screwdriver) and partly caused by juicys having a rubbish way to change/retain pads compared to almost every other type of brake!

I can confirm it's not porn.

i'm sure someone before has suggested not taking a sleeping bag or tent. that way you have to keep going to stay warm…

http://www.geomangear.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=4_41&products_id=141&zenid=5glivi0emkn2m9hljml44o1ov6

you can get them from the above address from the US.

there's nothing in the law preventing it, however if he has an accident the hse will come down on the employer like a sack of bricks.

I quite like my hope.

yup, i always use hairspray and it works a treat. Have a small can in my toolbox for that reason.

compromised still. I've ridden a birdy and they're pretty expensive, still not as good as a proper bike though.

ah, i thought i'd got the wrong number once when it said "Stacey – Chelmsford" at the bottom. Assumed it was originally meant from a woman from essex called stacey…

In response to myself, I reckon they'll save less that £2.5m a year, which is a pittance compared to the rest of the money wasted by the government.

beyond all your petty squabling, I don't agree at all with the notion of a pay cut for MPs. All the expenses row was caused by MPs being underpaid for the job they do! The money will still get to them some other way anyway…

And to be honest, how much money are they going to save by cutting the salary of 646 people!

pegoretti

<drool>

</drool>

because there's no reasoned debate to be had?

Especially with people who think there is evidence/scientific reason behind homeopathy? (please note, i'm referring to that website and not mountaincarrot)

or just futile arguing.

Blimey mountaincarrot. Looks like those guys have got you hook, line and sinker for £15 year!

just to follow the stw way of criticising things one is jealous of, you appear to have forgotten to plumb you sink in…

A guy at work ordered his the day before me and they came a week and a half ago…

khegs – Member

*It does have its uses, it is apparently one of the easiest fonts for dyslexics to read, and as such is recommended by the BDA

Yeah, when I was at Uni they switched all the exam paper fonts to comic sans for that reason. Was interesting seeing complex maths problems written out in comic sans though!

I know it starts at 12, but what time does it generally get going properly?

mine took a week between deal extreme shipping it and it leaving hong kong… ordered on 10th september and still not here…

futura

Yeah, there's a few bars on Rambla del Raval which are worth going to, or el Born is good for nightlife (and daylife too)

[/url]

go up to the castle in the cable car, walk round the left side of the castle along a cliff top path until you have walked all the way past the castle, then you'll find a little outdoor bar. If the weather is nice it's a wicked place to while away a couple of hours. Wouldn't even know you were in the city any more. If you can get hold of this book for reasonable money it is really good for a few different places to go. I got it when it was in print for about a tenner and it has been there about 8 times with mates etc.

I'm actually free to come and have a look this time. Been meaning to come for ages, but always have been busy in the past for some reason.

I'm going to hazard a guess and say they're actually the same (apart from the price and the helmet mount). I just got my normal one and it has an orange peel reflector and a glow in the dark button (it's lit with a small led I think). The BIN code for the emitter (not that I know what it really means) for the helmet mount version is SSC-P7-C-SXO which i would assume the ssc stands for seoul semiconductors…

that dealextreme helmet light seems to be exactly the same as the handlebar one, but with an elastic strap for your helmet. looks like it will still mount on the handlebars too.

ooOOoo – Member

The roadies I sometimes follow seem to have to avoid every manhole, drain, rough section of road etc.

They don't have to, they choose to for comfort and to avoid punctures. If you've got a set of slicks on your MTB it'd probably be sensible to do the same…

I've got a pretty clear cut answer to this one.

My mate who plays the trombone in west end musicals was cycling home one night when a pedestrian walked out in front of him, there was a collision and my mate broke his wrist. He was self employed (as most professional musicians are) and successfully sued the pedestrian for loss of earnings while he was unable to do his job.

I ordered mine on 10th september and got the dispatch email this morning. Was waiting on supplier up until then.

would those woods belong to a chap called dean by any chance?

anotherdeadhero – Member

I quite like the idea of 650b, I'm only 5'10" so 29er would probably be overkill for me…

Only 5'10" or average height as it's also known…

missing that episode, or missed all of the episodes morelike! He's a hologram and was all the way through red dwarf!