Whatever you choose to do, I’m afraid that your father’s funeral is another hurdle you’ll have to get over. For me my Mum’s funeral was almost as traumatic as the first ice cold shock of hearing the news of her death. As the funeral began the church bell tolled the hour and it really did sound like the clanging chimes off doom. The last time that I saw Mum she was alive so it does come as a shock when they bring in the coffin and you realise that Mum is inside it. I felt so disconnected, numb with it all. It was hard for me to sing those half-remembered hymns from way back in the misty past of wooden-floored school assemblies as I was too busy crying, and I wasn’t ashamed to do so, in fact I’m watery eyed right now reliving it. I’m not religious in the conventional sense, and nor was Mum, but the vicar who was known to us did his best to have an uplifting service. Though at the end when he offered her soul to heaven I didn’t think in the words of the Beatles ‘All the lonely people’ “No one was saved…” I just felt that she’d already long departed to wherever she was going and is still.
Some general points about grief. You can’t hold it in, and it’s unhealthy to do so, so don’t be afraid to let it out, and you will, often and copiously. You probably realise this, but you are a different person as a result of this, accept it. They say that time is a healer, I’m not sure about that. Time does distance you from the rawness of the event but you’ll find that when you think that you have somehow learned to cope, the deep wound to your soul can open and become tender once more. I’ve found that you don’t ‘come to terms’ (what a ridiculous phrase that is!) with it, or ‘get over it’, but you do learn to live with it, to do as the chinese phrase says ‘eat bitterness’.
Everyone is affected by grief differently. I’d recommend reading this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-Rage-Bereavement/dp/0140236082 as an antidote to the usual self-help volumes, get it out of your local library. Don’t be afraid to talk, or seek solace wherever you feel that you will find it.