The entire point of most cookery programmes is to teach you recipes sell a pile of celebrity chef cookbooks at Christmas

Fixed.

I saw two horse riders jump a red light the other day.

@slowoldman I know, I just couldn’t be bothered typing it all out.

The Donut in Granny’s Greenhouse by The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band

“…where appropriate.”
So if the regreasing of headset etc is not considered appropriate you still pay for it.
Find a mechanic that charges for the work done.

No, but I know a plumber called Dwain.

Outside Durham post office. Fat lass in tracksuit is pushing a pushchair up the hill. Thin lass in tracksuit is pushing one down the hill…
TL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
FL: Eeeeh hiyaz!
TL: Are ye alreet?
FL: Aye, guess what? Ahm aaanly **** pregnant again, inn I?
TL: Eeeeh!

Visibility.

runners who jog on the spot when they’re waiting to cross the road.

We Are The Champions (ch-ch,ch,ch-ch)

With Ronnie Pickering!

Chico and the Man
learn to Swim with Rolf Harris
It’s a Knockout

I’ll get me stoat…

How are entries going?

Any guy who has stood at a urinal whilst wearing shorts will know why you should never eat your sandwiches off your lap.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are feeling a bit peaky.

And lets not forget that tourists wouldn’t come to Britain if it wasn’t for the Queen.

I notice nobody seems to visit France for their holidays any more, ever since that nasty business…

Wind.

2) He cares about what other people think too much

…or what he thinks other people are thinking – unless he’s a mindreader – ergo, what he thinks of himself.

“Other than those small issues, I’m still one sexy hunk of human male full of get up and go.. Never felt better fitness and psychologically wise, combine that with wit and aged charm and I’m one helluva catch.”

Are you doing anything tonight?

How many stw’ers does it take to change a lightbulb?
7…one to change the bulb and six more to stand around saying how they wouldn’t have this problem if they switched to tubeless bulbs.

Quackerjack!

When The govt closed Consett it was making a profit. Some things are done just to punish people who don’t vote the right way.
£365,000,000 a year losses with a workforce of 4,000. The company could pay everyone £45k a year not to come to work and still halve its losses.
Anyway, I thought our steel industry was uncompetitive because it was nationalised/ridden by ineficiency/ hobbled by the unions and that selling it off would lead to a modern, efficient, sustainable industry. Well, perhaps not.

“You dropped this”, I said, as I lobbed it back into the passengers lap, splashing Coke everywhere!

Good work!

I have just received this from Durham County Council after I complained about the pitiful state of the rural verges:

I understand that Catherine Howes, PA to the Corporate Director has contacted you for further details of locations you believe a particular problem and in your response to her you feel your complaint is on the overall state, and indeed there are many sites. I am sorry that you feel this is the case, however without the specifics, I can of course only give a general response.

I can confirm that roadside verges in residential areas are litter picked every 4 to 6 weeks. Rural roadside verges are litter picked at least twice a year prior to cutting. If it is a noted problem area for litter then we undertake more, and on a reactive basis if identified from our own monitoring. Some of the verges can be very narrow, or on hazardous stretches of the road, meaning we have to bring in traffic management. With these extra costs, for these specific areas, we do have to wait until there is sufficient accumulation, to justify the expenditure. Overall we do aim however to keep litter levels as low as possible – independent surveys of cleanliness to reveal we are well above national standards, although of course we do still get accumulations, which we try to tackle as promptly as possible.

We do welcome reports of any areas that require litter picking. If you feel there are specific areas, I would encourage you to ring the Councils dedicated streetscene number on 03000 261000 or provide further information on the Councils website http://www.durham.gov.uk/reportit.

My reply:

Thanks for your reply, which sheds a fair bit of light on the matter.
If you are picking litter “at least twice a year prior to cutting” this means that it only takes place in the summer. Hence, by this time of year when the vegetation has died back, there could be up to 8 months accumulation of rubbish.
If you really cannot afford to pick litter more than twice a year, would it be better to move one of these to the winter or early spring? It is at this time of year that the verges look their worst.

Last year grown men cried like babies.

Why not email the sponsors and tell them you will be boycotting their products until they end their association with these practises?

@ Neil Ramsey…that’s some bad stage fright!

If we’re being told before work has even started that it’s going to cost c£20bn than you can be sure by the time it goes live that will be £60 billion.

I refuse to buy a Maserati since we cycled past the factory gates on our tandem, make a snap decision to call in for a look round and the security guard in his booth took one look at us and wagged his finger. So if that’s how they feel about me, I don’t want one of their cars. That’ll show ’em.

I’ll go for defence lawyer claiming a fair hearing is impossible due to trial by internet. Case dismissed.

That’s really made the month come alive.

Is that your race sled from now on?

Have a good cry, virtual friend. It’s OK to be sad.

Bobby Charlton, Bob Wilson, Eddy Merkx

I’ve been wearing jeans for 40 years and have never suffered from “crotch blowout”.

Where does one purchase fruit native to the arctic tundra?

You can buy cloudberry jam in IKEA.

Our local mobile library has just done a flit. They took all the books with them too, the thieving gits.

As is customary, Samantha spent some time down in the gramaphone library earlier, fetching the hit singles she’s chosen. She’s become quite friendly with the two elderly archivists, Jack and Arthur. They’ve recently gone part time, so Samantha’s come to a working arrangement – she does the paperwork, Arthur gets her 45s out and Jack’s off all afternoon.

Thanks to ISIHAC

Beer, then wine
Feeling fine.

Busty Masmati ??

Bloody knee now bandaged and a bit of a limp but I’ll live.

A bit of a limp what?
Seriously, glad you are ok and enjoy picking the scabs.