This is hard. Trying to see from the point of view of another when you cannot rationally comprehend how they are thinking.
Whilst almost impossible it is important not to react to it however unreasonable the behaviour may seem. If he’s in fight or fight you can’t tell him off for being scared. not saying that you did.
Often it isn’t usually the issue that presents that is the root cause of the problem, so it is likely to be a build up of stuff such that the food at the end of the day is the final straw and so I suspect this is why it is only sometimes that it is a problem. Consider reducing demands at other times, what is an immovable requirement e.g no violence and what is actually just preferable e.g. tidy room or perhaps just let him get/dish up his own food – try and agree what it will be even if not as healthy as you like. Another thing you could ask him is if He might also prefer to eat separately or in his room, if you all eat together he might find that focus too stressful
once he becomes more regulated then you can work on those other rules.
Have you considered getting some independent support? This won’t be cheap but could be an investment. A speech and language therapist for example if communication is a challenge for him. Speech and language therapy isn’t just about can you’talk’. They can go in to the school and provide help for teaching staff too or come to your house.
Good luck