I wake most days and have to go through the “why not suicide” debate with myself to some degree or another, and judging by appearances I have it all,, time,love, money, a dream bike…It feels like I should be happy but I just never feel it, just degrees of sadness or whatever you call it. I’ve been on the verge a few times and I don’t know why I didn’t but it hasn’t happened yet. Afterwards I’m always glad because I would hate to put those I love through the “why couldn’t I see/help?” thing but it’s still true that I keep returning to a place of pain so deep that I don’t want to bear it any more. Been through all the usual “help” and some of it has been useful, notably psychotherapy, but still I never feel real joy so find myself asking “what is the point?” a lot…