Muke, your synopsis was bang on the money! I was crying tears of pent-up misery on reading your post.
You did forget one important aspect, well loads actually…..may I?
Appendices A
[1] Send a collective email to all your friends that you do not require anything at all from them ever again and they should cease their visits, phone calls, text’s. That you weekend and mid-week rides are over for the next 6 to 7 years – rare outings, typically on a ratio of twice per 3years may present if you have completed the entire list of DIY tasks. Pseudo –patronising contacts, usually from exotic locations, can be expected to arrive on your facebook wall, best delete this account.
[2] Visit every park, paddling pool, café with sand pit that your DISTRICT has to offer – for 5 years. After each visit, throw away the pants you have hidden in the side pouch of your now redundant MTB ruck-sac before they hatch!
I could continue, but I can feel the urge to reach for my Stanley knife re-emerging