Shamelessly cut n’ paste from an email I receive yesterday;
Tommy Cooper jokes – You’ve got to laugh!
Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married The
ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing
out of his head. Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
‘Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.’ ‘That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. ‘ ‘Is it common? ‘ ‘It’s not unusual.’
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? ‘ ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at
him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s
cross-eyed? ‘ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’
‘Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.’ ‘Well you can’t say fairer
than that then’
Two elephants walk off a cliff…… boom boom!
So I went to the dentist. He said ‘Say Aaah.’ I said ‘Why?’ He said ‘My
dog’s died.”
‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming
baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.” —————
So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my
house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it’s Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,and he
said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up
a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I
careered off the road.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a
lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other ‘Does this taste
funny to you?’
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said ‘ I haven’t seen you in a
long time ‘ The man replied ‘I know I’ve been ill’ –
A man walked into the doctors, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several
places’ The doctor said ‘well don’t go to those places’
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the
next 2 years.
Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them
would have seen it.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’ The doctor replied, ‘I know you
can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel .
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.