“Aha!”
“Lynn! You couldn’t present a… cat!”
“Oh cook a cat!”
“Well there’s no need for that!”
“Mrs Moneypenny’s an egit! she’s an egit!”
“I’m leaving you, you cow!”
“Bash your ****!”
“No not my face i’m doing a photo shoot tomorrow for vision express”
“Can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine”
“Not my words Carol the words of Top Gear magazine”
“Well, you’re in the right ballpark. No, it actually says ****, Piss, Partridge.”
“There’s never any graffiti in the hotel. Although in the Gents a couple of weeks a go I did see someone had drawn a lady’s part. Quite detailed. The guy obviously had talent.”
“Guide dogs for the blind. It’s cruel really, isn’t it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.”
“I’d love to get my hands on the bastard. Or *****, might be a lady.”
“I’m sorry, that was just a noise.”
“Do you want some sugarpuffs”
“I’m gonna hump ya….like Deputy Dawg would hump ya”
“Good. Got my fungal foot powder? Ah, it’s a lifesaver, you know. I’d effectively be disabled if it weren’t for these.”
“Right, dry skin cream. I’m having an attack of the old flakes again. This morning, my pillow looked like a flapjack.”
“I’ve been working like a Japanese prisoner of war. But a happy one.”
“Rolled on the thighs of a virgin.”
“Lynn’s not my wife. She’s my PA. Hard-worker, but there’s no affection.”
“In fact, you know, the best thing I ever did was get thrown out by my wife! She’s living with a fitness instructor. He drinks that yellow stuff in tins. He’s an idiot!”
“BANG! I’m James Bond”
“Do you know what this bathroom says to me? Aqua. Which is French for water. It’s like being inside an enormous Fox’s Glacier Mint. Which, again, to me is a bonus.”
“Yes, it’s an extender! Fantastic. That is the icing on the cake.”
Alan has a confronatation with a former schoolmate regarding being caned as a teenager for having a chalk penis drawn on his back. “That was a long time ago Alan!” “That’s what Nazi war criminals say!”
“I do like that toilet. It’s very futuristic, isn’t it? Very, sort of, high-tech, space age. I can imagine Buck Rogers taking a dump on that. In the twenty-first century. Can I, have a go?”
“We managed to rectify it, though, because it now says, by adapting it, “Cook” where it once said “****”, and it says “Pass” now where it once said “Piss”, so it’s slightly less rude.”
“All this wine nonsense! You get all these wine people, don’t you? Wine this, wine that. Let’s have a bit of red, let’s have a bit of white. Ooh, that’s a snazzy bouquet. Oh, this smells of, I don’t know, basil. Sometimes you just want to say, sod all this wine, just give me a pint of, mineral water.”
“Can I just shock you? I like wine. Despite what I just said earlier. At any one time I have nine bottles of wine in my house.”
“And, can I have the same, please? But with different shaped pasta. What do you call those pasta in bows? Like a bow-tie, but miniature? Like an action man bow-tie.”
“Alright, I’ll rephrase the question. Can I… no, actually, I’ll just repeat the question: have I got a second series?”
“Yeah, give me another series you ****.”
“Tony, I’ve, look I’ve just bought a house. It’s got a Buck Rodgers toilet. One yank, all gone!”
“Textbook sexual intercourse.”
“Jurassic Park!”
“Kiss my face.”
“I like your berets.”
“Back of the net!”
“Smell my cheese, you mother!”
“Lynn I’m not coming to your baptist church! They always get people when they’re down.”
