Dour Scotsman here.. Oats covered in water in pan, pinch of salt. Full heat til bubbling. Low heat for 5 minutes. Into bowl. Splash of milk and a half teaspoon of brown sugar on top. The horrors described above I regard as micro aggressions.
Morrisons Bavette cut – £3.75 for two. Lots of salt and pepper. Barbecue for a while (lowish heat). Rest for a while. Slice and serve with mustard/lemon juice/olive oil and parsley mix.