It seems very odd that I’m posting this here and that opening up to STW is easier than some of my closest friends. Perhaps there’s something in the anonymity of the whole thing.

@spot1978 I know what you mean, weird isn’t it? I think my life from the past few years has been lived by most of the people on here too. I am pretty open about everything on here despite suffering with depression and anxiety and generally struggling day to day.

I started my blog over 2 years ago (different reasons but similar end goal I guess) but I still post more here than I do on there. Well done on starting it and sharing your story. If you ever need to talk or anything please feel free to get in touch.

My blog is here https://brighteststarinthesky.com

0.9kg down this week, another small loss but still heading the right way.

12 year old is riding an XS giant trance here. Although I was thrown a curve ball the other day when he said he would prefer a hardtail. So now going to be looking for a small hardtail frame.

Massive thanks to @igm for some nice wheels that turned up this morning.

Same as last week, no gain but no loss either. Must try to motivate myself and make a conscious effort this week to get a decent loss for next week’s weigh in

@benjamins11 personally, I would think that’s fine. No driving and daily exercise are the rules laid out which fits what you say.
I’ve found out our multi storey in Carmarthen is closed so will be utilising that again for bike riding with the kids. It’s a 5 min walk from where we live so no driving required here either. They loved it last time.

@igm message sent, thanks

@Simon_Semtex link is

https://brighteststarinthesky.com

I’ve been told it’s helped people in their own situations before, whether it’s bereavement or not. It’s nice to hear positive feedback about it and makes doing it more worthwhile. Please feel free to share it if you want.

If we’re going to have a frank discussion about suicide I’d like to raise something that I never see mentioned which is that sometimes suicide is a rational response to the situation someone finds themselves in.

I remember telling everyone, including family, that I didn’t want to be here anymore. This was not long after lyanda passed away so was definitely a situation based thought. I won’t lie, I still think it even now, nearly 2 and a half years on. So many more difficult and traumatic things have happened since then too, then add lockdown to the mix it is all completely overwhelming. All I keep thinking is the kids have lost one parent already, they don’t need to lose two parents.

It’s a really hard life now though. Not only am I lonely, I am alone too. Evenings are by far the worst once the kids have gone to bed. I’m here by myself with my own thoughts, been the same for nearly 2 and a half years now. It’s a long time to be like this and doesn’t look like it will change anytime soon. Apart from the kids, I have no one around. And if it weren’t for them, I might not be here now.

As wonderful as the kids are, I really miss adult interaction and conversation. I have a handful of good friends around me, but they work and have families so rarely see them, especially recently. Buying unnecessary things creating more debt and comfort eating seem to be my coping mechanisms. I’m trying to get to grips with these but it’s really difficult when you feel so low all the time.

I struggle to talk to anyone about it in person though, that’s why I do my blog and occasionally rant on here. Even me posting here has decreased, just read through posts instead. I still have thoughts of pushing you all away with only posting dreary things and I really don’t want that. I fully agree with what’s been said though. There is a taboo surrounding men that makes it difficult to show emotions and talk. This somehow needs to stop. I hope everyone is doing OK. If anyone needs or wants a chat please get in touch.

Haven’t ventured out at all yet but the roads where I am a few minutes outside of Carmarthen are pretty quiet. I’m trying to find out if the multi storey is closed again so I can take the kids cycling over there like we did last lockdown, it was brilliant.

All I’ve got are the ones I wrote after lyanda passed away which are on my blog. I don’t think they’re all that but other people say they’re good and they like them. Can’t work out if they’re just being nice because of the subject matter. Never really enjoyed poetry before, but liking some of the ones I’ve read over the past couple of years.

Just coming home tonight with the kids at just gone 6 and the police were setting up on one of the roads into Carmarthen. Definitely wasn’t an accident, nothing or no one else anywhere near. 2 police cars both with lights flashing about 100yds apart. They were getting some signs out of their cars too, looked like it’s a stop check for people travelling.

Forgot last week’s weigh in, was dealing with more stuff here. Down 0.7kg on 2 weeks ago which is a step in the right direction I guess. Haven’t done anything at all differently though. Once I manage to motivate myself to start doing something it should help, but that’s the difficult part for me unfortunately.

Not doing too good if I’m honest. Certain things which are pretty traumatic (outside of covid) still ongoing and can’t get anyone to help sort it out. Equally fed up of people saying they are going to do things or help and nothing happening. This mainly applying to professionals not friends.

Posted this on my Facebook yesterday 😔

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Hope everyone else is doing OK through their troubles and difficulties.

125.6kg start weight, do I win?
Put in a target of 120kg hoping that’s doable, but some more would be nice. Can’t remember what I was in January in the original chub club so not sure how much I’ve gained this year.

Fair point. I’m guessing a laptop not a chrome book then.

Apart from lockdown, quite a lot of traumatic things have happened again here. I’d pretty much given up on everything and I’ve piled on the weight. Comfort eating is not a good friend. But I’ll give it another shot now things have started to calm down a bit again and see how it goes. Not looking forward to tomorrow’s weigh in though 😬

I’ve literally just posted something similar, hopefully we’ll get an answer between the 2 threads lol.

Sorry for the delay in replying, been trying to deal with stuff here. Thanks for all the replies, all helpful as usual. Will have a search on what’s been suggested and see where I go from there.

@timber – I’ve pm’d you, not sure if its working or not though as you mentioned.

Thanks for the replies. The traumatic 3 months of hell (which is still ongoing) I was referring to wasn’t lockdown, this was something else completely. Not sure if I can go into more detail publicly about it. A couple of stwers know what’s happened as I’ve spoken to them about it personally.
The washing machine, tumble dryer and fridge is another extra hassle again. While these breaking down is a pretty important factor to our daily needs, it is very minimal in comparison to what myself and the 3 kids have endured over the past few months.
And everything has happened within lockdown which in itself has made things more difficult all round.

I iz confoozed

Thought that would be the case, thanks for the info.

Saw that last night, it’s pretty awesome.

Can’t help with what bike, but if anyone that’s down this way wants a cuppa and I’m available, I’m not too far away in Carmarthen.

Pembrey is about 20 mins from me and been a few times with the kids. I’d go with the suggestions above too which is what I’m hoping to do when they’re all back in school.

Got given a couple of frames, a couple sets of forks and a some parts during lockdown through here. Have built 3 bikes in total and given them to friends. Also given away a few kids bikes I have been given over the past couple of years. People locally know I like bikes and give them to me (only kids ones though) to repurpose. Haven’t taken a penny for any of them, even if I’ve had to buy cables etc. Don’t mind doing it, gives me something to do.

Got one frame, forks and a wheelset left. Debating how to go about doing this one depending on what parts I can now afford. So to answer the question, none at the moment.

No one really. The few friends I have around me have their own issues and problems so don’t really want to burden them with mine too. Always been a listener more than a talker, not an easy habit to get out of.
I have posted on here and the support has been incredible. Also a few from here I’m in touch with I speak to pretty often. And I update my blog when I get round to it.
Although not sure I’m able to post what’s been happening over the past couple of months, it’s really awful 😔

11 year old son told me this the other day

What do you call a bunch of transgender women?

The X-Men

@harry_the_spider If the forks are still available, I’d be interested. I’m building a couple of bikes for some friends (nurse and another key worker, they don’t know yet) after asking for a a frame a couple of weeks ago for a project. I’m going through what I got this morning and was going to put up a wanted ad for some bits and bobs later for things. I gave all my spares away last year to a couple of different forumites lol.

Which thread do I need to link to? There’s so many I can’t choose. I think I have had more kindness from ‘strangers’ than most over the past few years and I’m still more grateful than ever. I’ve linked an earlier blog post of mine where I highlighted this. I really need to make an updated blog post as so much as happened since then. I’ve not been posting as much as I should lately, been a tough few months. Thankyou again for all you have done.

Human kindness from “strangers”

Thanks for all the replies, really appreciate them all. Sorry its taken a while to respond, so much going on and trying to battle through it all slowly. I live in Carmarthen, SW Wales near Brechfa for those asking where I’m from.

I am trying my best, I really am, but it doesn’t feel anywhere near good enough. The joys of anxiety and depression I guess? I just wish at some point things would start to go ‘right’ and I can start to breathe a bit. Possibly actually start living again instead of just surviving? I’ve been described by some people as a ‘man mountain’ or a ‘machine’ which is fine. I think I probably am one of those things to plough through all this crap all the time. But I really hope I start feeling like a person again.

I think that’s what I was trying to say, albeit in a very long winded way. The loneliness and emptiness is eating up who I was and I hate who I am now. Once our ‘normality’ returns, I’ll be at rock bottom again and have to start from scratch. I know I’ll probably never be the same again, but I have to find a balance and maybe find a ‘new’ me amongst it all.

@worldclassaccident – I’ve replied to you, thanks.

There’s a 4 bedroom house 2 doors down from me for sale for 195k, absolutely ideal for our needs. If anyone wants to buy it and give us a long term rent on it let me know. I’d be happy with that.

https://www.primelocation.com/for-sale/property/carmarthen/parcmaen-street/

PMs sent, thanks all.

@poah – that looks really nice. And expensive?

The project will go whichever way it goes, no plans. Just a project lol.

@singletrackmind after missing the delivery on Friday while we were out on our daily exercise, I received my case yesterday. Thankyou very much for the quick delivery and a huge thanks for the extras. Had a pure gold last night and yes, definitely worth it. Will probably try one of the others tonight. Thanks again, really appreciated.

@singletrackmind ordered a case of pure gold last night after reading everyone’s reviews of how good it is. Was going to get a mix of a couple of options but other ones i liked the sound of were out of stock. First proper drink in months so really looking forward to getting them. Thanks.

Just thinking about it, what would happen if you turned the last cog (with the man on it) manually?

Maybe that’s how black holes occur? 😂

Here’s mine

Not much of an update, but an update.

Alex seems to be doing OK at the moment. The stomach cramps have finally stopped and at the moment showing no other signs of any side effects which is good. He did say to the person who dropped him off that he will probably do it again, which is a worry but trying my best to make sure it isn’t possible. Hoping he was just venting.

He’s had a phone appointment with camhs last Monday and an emergency appointment with the psychiatric doctor at the hospital on Wednesday, another phone appointment again on Monday. He seems to be trying harder with the other 3 too and interacting with them more.

I’ve also had phone contact with various people about him so will see where that goes. I’ve also had a phone call from social services. They had an anonymous call from someone saying they were worried about us all. I asked them what did they know about our situation so I could quickly fill them in with what’s happened, their answer surprised me. They told me things that I have only shared here. I’m not annoyed, but whoever it was, thankyou. You’ve got further in one phone call than I have in a year! They are putting calls out this week and hope to have a plan of action for the week after. I’m a bit sceptical of it all as I’ve been let down so many times this past year but I’m trying to keep an open mind. Hopefully things will start happening and in a positive way.