100mph lying on your chest with your face a few inches from the tarmac.

Sounds like fun.

As said, it’s a load of bull. Ignore and delete. Lots of these doing the rounds. I’ve had 3 this year.

Just take them to a BMX track and be done with it.

My My. What a happy little ray of sunshine you are?

I actually thought he was being quite optimistic.

Now we know the real reason for the (Mc)Missiles on the roof

I’m lovin’ it.

The whole thing is and will be bloody horrible.

Well yes, if you are used to riding a bent bike for dirt jumps, then a bmx will feel strange due to the fact its got correct sized wheels, forks and angles.

It wasn’t a criticism. Everytime I’ve tried jumping something on a BMX I gain more respect for BMXers. I’m just surprised that the stability of a longer, bigger, ‘softer’ bike doesn’t win out over a small, rigid, twitchy wrist breaker.

Elixer 9’s. Shop around and you could probably get a pair for 200 quid.

I’m always surprised that people find BMX bikes more comfortable that a Hard Tail DJ mountain bike for jumping etc.

I would love to get into BMX but everytime I’ve had a go of one I immediately feel out of my comfort zone and desperate for bigger wheels, frame and suspension forks.

He’s a wearisome oaf – with a vastly over inflated sense of self importance.

He should join this forum.

No. You are not the only 26 inch wheel rider left…
Although I would love a Kona 29 to add to my collection of 2 mtbs, 1 road bike, 2 bmx cruisers, surfboard , 1 longboard ,1 bodyboard, snowboard, 3 skateboards, frisbees, footballs, rugby ball, Nerf, airobee, boomerang, radio control car, rower, guitar, bass guitar, weber bbq… hand tools, power tools, cordless drill, gardening tools. COFFEE MACHINE (my favourite thing apart from wife and two kids who all have own bikes).

I can’t believe you listed Frisbees in there.

And most of them take great pleasure from stupid/less highbrow things as it goes. IME, it’s the people who are a bit insecure about their capabilities who like to make sure they constantly convey how seriously they take things and how only very clever/highbrow things are of any interest to them… YMMV.

Bit of irony in that paragraph.

Something about sponge.

Hope than’s answered your question 40mpg.

It’s cheaper that sponge cake shop over the road.

Are you trying to than a discount?

That?

Saying that though, I currently have bids standing on:

A vintage Honda Race bike.
A Beta Trials Bike and
A Norton Cafe Racer.

I cannot afford one of them, let alone all three. I can only hope I am outbid soon.

Victoria That. mmmmmm Yum.

That’s always the problem with stuff you want. Once you get over the initial joy of buying the thing you want, you’re always left with the feeling that you didn’t want it at all.

I don’t buy anything anymore over 10 english pounds.

I bought some pedals from Wiggle the other day, they were cheaper sponge Chain Reaction.

Got a code for CRC?

‘Cheaper that CRC’.

😕

We get through cars quickly due to excessive mileage. We bought a Toyota Corolla (55 plate) in 2010 with 25,00 on the clock. Now it’s up to 75,000.

It’s still going strong…ish but I can’t see it going for many more years without some money being spent on it sadly.

Always had good experience with Wiggle, although they once sent an email to me with a full-stop where a comma should have been.

Don’t know if that will stir up any debate about recent drops in customer service standards.

That was crazy.

Radio 1 is a radio station produced and presented by low IQer’s

Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge could easily fill the Moyles ‘void’.

Next time you’re out go up to someone you don’t know and call them stupid. Then just wink and smile.

Should be alright.

People get a bit carried away with this whole Trolling accusation thing.

Antagonistic – troll
Argumentative – troll
Contrary – troll
Poor speller – troll
Opinionated – troll
Re-poster – troll

have you now got a backup strategy in place for when the new hard drive fails?

A stock of freezer bags.

In the words of Homer Simpson “I haven’t learnt a thing”.

You can’t really say putting it in the freezer made it work, it could have just been moving it around, unplugging it, plugging it in etc.

With some confidence I think I can. We spent hours, plugging it in, disconnecting it, even just tapping the bloody thing. Nothing.

Out the freezer and immediately it started working.

it’s a mac it’s magic don’t ask

This sounds the most logical reason.

So many things at the moment. The weather has driven me to look for other things to do, so….

Track Day Motorbike.
Vintage Motorbike.
Trials Motorbike.
Fixed wheel bike.

Certainly is a theme there.

All I visualise in my head is-with the right people and skills- an EXCELLENT short-film.

Get this up on a Crowdfunding like site.

I’d buy it, imagine the debacle.

I think it’s already in the process. I’m aware these scam email exchanges have become a serialised Radio 4 show. Google Bob Servant books and you’ll find them. I’d highly recommend them. Laugh out loud stuff.

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Delete This At Your Peril

FROM HIS ROYAL HIGHNEST, JACK THOMPSON

Dear sir,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business. I got your name and contact from the chamber of commerce and industry.

I am JACK THOMPSON, the only son of late King Arawi of tribal land. My father was a very wealthy traditional ruler, poisoned to death by his rivals in the traditional tussle about royalties and related matters.

Before his death here in Togo he called me on his sick bed and told me of a trunk box containing $75m kept in a security company where i amin the city of Sokode. It was because of the wealth he was poisoned by his rivals. I now seek a foreign partner where I will transfer the proceeds for investment as you may advise. I am willing to offer you 20% of the sum as a compensation for your effort/input and 5% for any expenses that may occour.

Anticipating to hear from you soon.

Thanks and God bless

JACK THOMPSON

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Greetings

Good morning your Majesty,

I want 30%, and not a penny less,

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: I will speak to the bank

Hello Bob,

See these percentages was arranged by the bank and not me. If you insist on getting 30% of the money i have to call the bank.

Pls send your

FULL NAME.
CONTACT PHONE NUMBER.
ACCOUNT NUMBER.
COUNTRY/STATE:

I will be expecting those details.thanks.

JACK THOMPSON.

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Good luck with the bank

Your Majesty,

Let me know what the bank says. Tomorrow’s a bank holiday here, I don’t know if you have the same ones? My full name is BOB GODZILLA SERVANT.

Yours,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Hello

Hello Bob,

I went to my bank. If you are now requesting 30% we have to go back to the high court to change things. I and my family members has added some amount upon your money provided you are going to be serious and trustwordy. We have agreed to give you 25%. Pls I think that is all we can do. We need your telephone number, country, state, city and account
number before we can go further.

Jack Thompson

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Let’s try the court

Good Morning Your Highness,

Please go to the High Court and request the 30%, I think it is a fair figure Jacky-O.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: YOUR URGENT RESPONSE NEEDED

Dear Mr Bob,

In order not to waste more time I have agreed the 30% and have notifi ed the court and my family accordingly. Within these few days now, I have developed that confi dence in you and believe that you will be of great assistance in perfecting this transaction. We have to go ahead immediately. Please email me –

1. Your address
2. Private Telephone and Fax Numbers
3. Banking details to enable transfer of the money to you.

I await your immediate response,

Jack Thompson

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Hold Tight…

Your Highness,

I have been looking at the sums again, and I have decided that I
want 40%.

And not a penny less.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT FROM MR JACK THOMPSON

Dear Bob,

Please let us PROCEDE. I am not greedy. I will offer you the 40% instead of delaying the transaction. I want it done, no matter how little it will change my life. Send your details now. Like I told you I need to meet with the security company immediately, I await an urgent response,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Taxman

Jack,

40% sounds about right. However, I do not want the money in cash, as there is no way I could hide it. The taxman tried to turn me over back in ’89 when I was coining it in from the cheeseburger vans, and those bastards always come back. Can I have my share in diamonds and gold? I can shift it gradually through pawnshops in Lochee.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

I received your mail and I guess I understand it. As for the diamond and gold, I think I have access to raw gold. You will get your share in some amount of cash and some valuable quantity of gold. Look Bob you are wasting some time in forwarding your details that I need urgently. So now that we have come to an agreement can I have the details now please,

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Animals?

Hello Jack,

I’m afraid I just cannot take my share in cash, too dangerous. I could take it in diamonds, gold, or livestock (lions). My neighbour, Frank Theplank, has a private zoo. I just caught up with him in Maciocia’s chip shop where he was waiting on a bag of fifty fritters for his monkeys. I told him a little bit about all this and he is willing to pay $80,000 for every lion I can get him,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

I understand what you mean. You don’t want the money in cash. Well I just got in contact with a friend of mine who sells raw gold and I can now pay you through live stock lion heads raw gold…quantity (4). So now you need not worry about the taxman coming again you can always keep them in your friend’s private zoo as you said. Now I will go and arrange for them while you send me your full details of yourself.

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Lions

Hi Jack my friend,

Great to hear from you again. You can get hold of 4 lions? Are they male or female? I will speak to Frank who will undoubtedly be very excited. Where are these lions just now?

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT DETAILS PLEASE

Hello Bob,

The gold lions are all male and i have arranged for them. But Bob can’t you see you are dragging us backwards i have been asking you for your details for the past days now. Pls reply with the following:

Full Name
Home Address
Phone/Fax Number
Banking Details

I will be expecting the above information.

Thanks.

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: OK

Jack my friend,

OK, things are now progressing. My full name is, as you know, Bob

Godzilla Servant
68 Harbour View Road,
Broughty Ferry,
Dundee1

It’s a lovely spot Broughty Ferry, and I stay down near the river . There’s not much traffi c which is obviously perfect, as otherwise the lions would get rattled. Can you please send me a photo of the lions without delay? I need to see that you defi nitely have access to them, before I confi rm things with that halfwit Frank.

Your friend,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Details

Hello Bob,

Hope fine. The informations you gave me not complete, you only gave me your full name and your address. I will need-

Country
State
City
Zip Code
Phone NumberDe1ete This BOOK.
Bank Account

Pls give me the above information then we can proceed. As for the lions I have to take some photographs of them before I scan and send to you, so you have to give me some time. Pls provide me with the remaining information Bob.

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Here you go champ

Jack my friend,

What a wonderful morning, hope it’s a belter over there in Togo also.

Zip Code – DD4 8RT
City – Dundee
Country – Scotland

I’ll get the information from the bank later on. The Bank of Scotland in Broughty Ferry closes early on a Wednesday so the staff can go tenpin bowling . Please get the photos of the lions to me as soon as you can, then we can move on. I cannot wait to see those magnifi cent creatures. Are they currently in captivity, or will you actually be capturing them yourself? By Christ Jack, I wish I were on that hunt with you my friend. Helping you. And holding you.

Yours Faithfully,

Bob G Servant

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Pictures of the raw lions

Hello Bob,

You didn’t include phone number or bank account. I have made arrangement in transporting the 4 gold lions to you. I have put photos below. One costs $299,000 so 4 will cost over $1,196,000 then the rest will be in cash. These gold lions will be bought from a friend of mine’s company. So give me your phone number for better communication and bank information,

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: You have got to be kidding?

Jack,

Sorry about the delay, I was out getting my hair done. There appears to have been a slight misunderstanding my friend, I was expecting four live lions, not gold ones. If I stuck four lion statues in Frank’s zoo then he would think I’d lost the **** plot and would tell everyone that I’d gone mental again like when I first got the cheeseburger van money through and wore that dinosaur poncho for four months. The four photos you sent look great, if a little similar, but I’m afraid that you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

Hope fi ne. Sorry i misunderstood you, 4 live lions will be much easier for me. Look Bob, I went to that security company yesterday i was told to get $4000 to process the document for retrieval of the boxes that contains the money. I have raised $2000 so i need you to assist me in the rest of the money. Immediately you send the remaining $2000 I will go to the security company so they can release the funds and I will purchase the lions immediately. I will pay you back the money with percentages.

This is urgent, reply immediately.

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: No Problem

Jack,

OK, can you send me the photos of the live lions? Where are you getting them? I will speak to the bank tomorrow, but $2,000 sounds fi ne, how much is that in pounds? The exchange rates in the Evening Telegraph are bollocks, they’re done by the same guy that does the horoscopes .

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: HURRY BOB

Hello Bob,

Bob $2000 is £1700. Pls try to send it so I can collect the fund from the security company and as well send the lions to you. These is the lion’s picture below. I have made arrangement of transporting it to you. I am buying four male lions from my friends private zoo and he has also arranged for shipment to Scotland. I will prefer you send the money through Western Union transfer, so I can collect the fund and start shipping the lions.

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: LION PICTURE

Jack,

Greetings my dear, dear friend. Jacky, there seems to have been another misunderstanding. I looked at the website that is listed on the photo of the lion you sent and it belongs a Boston-based author and nature lover.

“I’m Tony Northrup. I live with my wife and cat in Woburn, Massachusetts, which is about 8 miles North-West of Boston”,

he states quite clearly on his site.

Now Jack, I’m not sure if I can see the connection between yourself and Tony. Perhaps you sent the wrong photo?

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: YOU MISUNDERSTAND

Hello Bob,

You are getting this all wrong Bob. I didn’t say that was the exact lion, I only gave you a clue on how the lion I will send looks like. If you want to see the exact lion I will send you must give me time to take it and scan it. So Bob my friend you don’t need to worry over this. This is Africa and you well know these animals are suffi cient here. My brother even rears a cub that’s a baby lioness in his house, so Bob expect the lion’s photograph later today. You haven’t said anything about the money I asked for? Have you spoken to your bank? I don’t think £1,700 should take long to send?

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: OK, I get it.

Hi Jack,

Thanks so much for putting my mind at rest and letting me know what a lion looks like. I have seen them in the past, in books and suchlike, so already had a fair idea but you have really helped me out there. For example, I had it in my head for some stupid reason that lions wore spectacles. I look forward to seeing the photo of the actual lions. I just popped my head over the garden wall and had a word with Frank.

He was busy cleaning out his Flamengo cage but he did say that he is very, very excited about getting hold of these lions. He has asked me to pass on a few questions –

Are they male or female?
Are they in good physical decision?
Do they talk?

Thank you my friend, and don’t worry, I have booked in to see the bank manager tomorrow morning,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

Hope fi ne. Answer to the questions.

1. The lions are all male lions and are very healthy.

2. I don’t think I have ever seen a lion that talks.

I don’t know if you are also interested in leopards cause my friend works in the Government Zoo and he could fi nd a leopard for you?

Remember to speak to your bank tomorrow.

Thanks,

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Leopards

I have spoken to Frank. He will take two leopards as long as they are friendly, and one elephant if you can get it? Frank is sure that he saw a talking lion on the television once. He thinks it was either on Songs of Praise or Bullseye. He says it reminded him of Jim McLean, the old Dundee United manager. Are you sure you can’t get one?

I am going to the bank in two hours,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob,

Hope fi ne. I can get you two leopards. They are both not adults. I will try and see if the elephant will be possible and will see what I can do for the lion. When you are back from bank mail me and tell me when you are sending the money.

Thanks,

Jack.

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: The Full List

Jack,

How are you my friend? Frank just called, he will take the following – 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 elephant, 1 alligator, 2 parrots, 1 hedgehog. I said you might be able to get the two leopards and the elephant. How are you looking for the rest? And, of course, the talking lion?

Frank has a good few quid. He’s worked for me on various bits and bobs and I’ve always looked after him so I think we should put our necks out on this one and make sure the lions talks.

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

Hello Bob.

From your mail I will only be able to get

4 lions
2 leopards
1 Alligator

The hedgehog, parrots and elephant will take me some time to fi nd but I think I will fi rst send the four lions and two leopards to you before we proceed with the rest. Bob please send the £1,700 now so I can send the 4 lions and 2 leopards to you. I think one of the lions may talk a little.

Thanks,

Jack.

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Sounds good

Hi Jack,

I will pass on the bad news to Frank on the hedgehog front. I’m not sure about a lion that only talks a little, I’d like one that isn’t so shy if possible?

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: THIS IS URGENT

Bob:

This is urgent. What is hapening?? I don’t sell animals. I only said I could get some lions to help you. Then you say you need a leopard and I say ok. Now you are saying the lion has to talk? What is this madness? Send me the £1700 that we agreed imeediately.

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Take it easy Jack

Jack,

What does the lion say when it talks? I am just checking that it won’t get me into any fi ghts.

Your servant,

Bob Servant

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: THIS IS URGENT

BOB LETS GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. THE LIONS AND LEOPARDS ARE HERE WITH ME AT THE BACK OF MY HOUSE THEY ARE FRIENDLY AND ONE OF THE LION TALKS. BOB SEND ME THE £1700 SO I CAN COLLECT THAT MONEY AND SHIP THEM TO YOU.

JACK

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Take it easy Jack

Jack,

Things are coming along nicely. I just need to know, for Frank’s benefi t more than anything –

What are the names of the lions? (he needs to know what to call them when they are introduced)

What does the lion say when it talks? (Again, who wants a lion that’ll get them into scraps?)

The bank is preparing me some forms,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: HERE IS THE INFORMATION

Hello Bob,

We have really wasted much time. Anyway, the information you asked for

1. The lion with more hair is Captain
2. The lion with black hair is Zoro

The other two do not have names you can give them names yourself. And as for the lion that talks it’s ways of talking are strange. It does not pronounce words well it only makes sounds. Hope you understand now. Bob the security company has given me a day’s grace. This is very serious, I don’t think you realise what we are about to lose. Let me know when you will send the money and I will give you the info for Western Union.

Jack

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: All looking good…

Hello Jack,

Sorry about the delay. I was round at Frank’s earlier and got stuck up a tree whilst chasing a snake, then fell off and banged my head on a chicken. You know what it’s like. Listen Jack, the bank needs to know which account and country the money would be going to?I had extended discussions with Frank at Doc Ferry’s bar this evening and he is absolutely delighted with the way things are going. He wants to know a last couple of things –

Can he call the other lions ‘FANCY PANTS’, and ‘BRYAN’?

Do the leopards sing, and are they willing to wear clothes?

All the best babes,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: GO TO WESTERN UNION

Hello Bob,

Sorry for what happened to you, hope you didn’t get injured. Tell your bank to send the money through Western Union.

Money transfer to:

Name: James Akiozie
Country: Nigeria
State/City: Lagos
Branch: Surulor

This is my very good friend name and address that is working in the bank. You will have to set a secret Question and Answer and be sure to send me the answer. As for the lions you can call them any name provided you shout when talking to them and always use the same name. And trained leopards like the one I have for you will wear any clothes you buy for them OK. Please send the money today,

Jack
De1ete This BOOK.
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: Nearly back to 100%

Hello my good friend,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I have nearly fully recovered from the fall and have just been chilling out ever since. I’ve still got a large bandage on my head however, and am too embarrassed to leave the house as then I’d have to tell people how I got the injury. The boys would love this one. If Tommy Peanuts or Chappy Williams got hold of it I’d not be able to show my face for weeks. I should be OK tomorrow and will nip up to the bank then. Just a quick question about the leopard, does it look a bit like this? Good luck my friend,

Bob

De1ete This
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: URGENT

HELLO BOB,

I HOPE YOU ARE GETTING BETTER. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL, SINCE YOU SAID TODAY YOU WILL BE GOING TO THE BANK PLEASE GO THERE RIGHT AWAY. AS FOR THE LEOPARD THE SKIN ARE ALIKE, THAT’S THE WAY IT LOOKS LIKE, SO PLEASE TRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TO RECOVER SO YOU CAN BE ABLE TO GO TO THE BANK. I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR REPLY SOONEST.

THANKS.

JACK

From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Subject: What a Let Down

Jack,

I have some bad news my friend. I have just been to the bank and the guy there said that I cannot send you any money as I do not have any in my account. In actual fact, it turns out that I owe them over eight grand. I tried to explain that I needed to send you this money for the lions and the leopard but the guy said I was a **** lunatic and got the security man to throw me out. I’m really sorry Jack, I hope I haven’t wasted your time in any way, I can’t see how I could have, but I’m afraid that the deal is off. Good luck my friend, and good luck with the animals. If they get too much then you’d probably be OK just releasing them?

Love,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Urgent

Hello Bob,

You see do you really still need lions and leopard? I will help you out sending it for you free but what you only have to do is to send just $700 or $500 for shipping it to Scotland. If you can go to another bank to send that money to me just take the money from home and tell them you want to send that money through Western Union money transfer to that name i gave to you earlier on. It is easy. Do it today.

Jack

From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Urgent

Bob?

Have a read of

‘Delete this at your peril’ and ‘Why me?’ for inspiration.

London Olympics says no: http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/bike-blog/2012/jul/10/olympics-regulations-cyclists

Haven’t touched Dairy for 5 years. I never took the time to find out if I had some intolerance to it officially but it used to make me feel unwell – low energy and it gave me terrible skin problems – acne, dry skin etc.

Not something I miss.

Well Nick Roche certainly won a couple of times in Sidecars. 1990 or 91 maybe?

I’m not a fan of the mud. It’s slow, it’s a bike killer, it’s hours of tidying and cleaning, it’s not fun.

I just find other things to do. The bikes can take the summer off if this is it for a while.

Search his name and IOM TT lap records. You’ll get your answer straight away.