Anyone on here old enough to be invited to take part in the national bowel cancer screening programme?
It's a real charmer. You have to collect three samples of your excrement, taken over at least three separate days. Then you have to use a little cardboard spatula to smear a small amount of these, two at a time, over six little windows in a thick piece of card, and then post it off to the labs in a special shit-proof envelope.
The instructions say that the sample must not have been in a toilet bowl, but have to be obtained freshly-squeezed (not their words)
Their suggestion is to put on a plastic glove and shit in your hand!
I used some 1 pint plastic beer glasses we had left over from a party – a nice wide target area with plenty of room for overspill – but the smell was minging
The results came back showing that I'm not in the early stages of bowel cancer – whey hey!