It was just a joke

Thank God I've found another STWer who has a humorous take on the whole Wootton Basset thing

I never realised the Woodland Trust was so diversive

A lovely neologism: diversive = subversive, in a lot of different ways

jon1973

That's a still from Oliver Stone's anti Vietnam war movie "Platoon"

A film which powerfully argues that militarily advanced nations cannot win conflicts against poorly-armed but well-motivated local insurgents

*Salutes without knowing why*

Like most of the population of Wooton Bassett

Snooze is for wimps

Do you think our brave boys in Afghanistan have snooze?

MTFU – Reveille is reveille – hands off cocks, on with socks you wimps

Work on the following assumptions:

More of your donation goes to fund the charity bureaucracy than gets sent to the intended recipients

More of what is sent to the intended recipients gets diverted to arms purchasing and general warlordism than gets to the aid workers on the ground

The aid workers on the ground corruptly divert more of what gets to them than they release to the intended recipients

Among the intended recipients, gangs of young males get more than mothers with starving children

And you think your ten quid makes any difference?

vivadixiesubmarinetransmissionplot

The title of the CD says it all, really.

What do the cops say to a speeding disabled driver?
Who do you think you are? Stirling Moss?
(only persons over a certain age will get that one)

What does Stirling Moss say when he stops for a hitchhiker?
Do you want a lift?

and it's the women's event in a couple of days!

Ughhh – the Yanks f'cked us over with the Falklands

By supplying us with the very latest Sidewinder AA missile technology?

In WW2 US policy was admittedly self-serving and cynical

To argue that it was:

as anti-UK (and other European "imperialist" natons like France and the Netherlands) as it was anti German, anti Japanese.

is just daft

They didn't carpet bomb us like they did the Germans, and they didn't nuke us like they did the Japanese. And they only bombed the French and the Dutch out of tactical necessity

Those young women have got bigger cojones than most of us on here

Jesus wept

Just use your towel to wipe it down

Israelis?
British?
Innocent?

This program cannot display the webpage

You want to disguise a dubious, faintly sleazy, dodgy group of people visiting Dubai?

Give them the passports of the most dubious, sleaziest, dodgiest group of regular visitors to/residents of Dubai

I was born in the year the NHS came into existence

I have received NHS dental care from the cradle. Various unscrupulous governments have introduced "charges" they thought they could get away with, but I have still received dental care at a cost significantly lower than going private.

Until New Labour. I'll never ever forgive them for the fact that I lost my NHS dentist during the tenure of a Labour government

That's an outrage

A job we would all like

if we had no self respect

Duct Tape. Is there anything it can't do?

It can't patch a punctured inner tube

a leader in his field

a horrible little misogynist, peddling overpriced tat to gullible, insecure, self-obsessed women with more money than sense

his mother died 10 days ago

if we all killed ourselves because mummy died the human race would be exinct

he specifically wants to look at the steam powered world record car

He's eight years old? FFS he's already eighty

Poor, black, lacking educational qualifications

Statistically speaking, every smoker is at least two of the above

Barry Bethel:

A genuinely interested question

What do you intend to communicate to others on this forum by advertising your interests as

punch fisting in the name of our lord

honestly – I really want to know what impression you think it gives

do you have a grown-up answer?

his kids are all loyal to him.

The Doncaster family had a sign outside reading "Beware of the kids"

Family loyalty is a much over-rated commnodity when it is used to excuse the way these dreadful people stick together

Barry Bethel:

punch fisting in the name of our lord

eldridge: WTF is that meant to signify?

BB: It's meant to be funny

eldridge: So is Shameless. It's not, and you aren't.

Get over yourself, spotty adolescent

What is? No linky

Kuco

Yes, agreed, they could "of" (it's could "have")

In fact, they have used missiles, and jets, and tanks, and white phosphorous artillery shells, and denial of humanitarian assistance, and fuel starvation, and bulldozers to crush young women to death, and snipers to shoot humanitarian workers through the head

But the helos are so cool, aren't they?

they're just downright cool aren't they?

esspecially to the Issraelis

like this

everything to do with bringing a book to life

If they're all enjoying it you've already brought it to life for them.

Nothing more is needed to fulfill your role, which is (I hope) to teach them to enjoy literature. Job done. Leave it at that.

Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel, Booker winner

Henry VIII's marital problems as seen through the eyes of Thomas Cromwell

Short sample – Thames boatman discussing Anne Boleyn's alleged incestuous affair with her brother: "that very night her brother's inside her, licking her up to the lungs, and then he's, excuse me sister, what shall I do with this big package – and she says, oh, don't distress yourself, my lord brother, shove it up the back entry, it'll come to no harm there."

Work of genius – my bet is it it will be on the A-level English Literature exam list before too long

Here's a subversive idea – just let them read the book for enjoyment. Full stop. Extension activities? MTFU and forget OFSTED for a bit.

OK if you really must have an "extension activity" (yuk yuk) how about:

If the Wart was a modern prince who didn't know he was born to rule, what kind of eduactional experiences would Merlin design for him?

sfb

surely you are now old enough to qualify for this life-enhancing test?

Anyone on here old enough to be invited to take part in the national bowel cancer screening programme?

It's a real charmer. You have to collect three samples of your excrement, taken over at least three separate days. Then you have to use a little cardboard spatula to smear a small amount of these, two at a time, over six little windows in a thick piece of card, and then post it off to the labs in a special shit-proof envelope.

The instructions say that the sample must not have been in a toilet bowl, but have to be obtained freshly-squeezed (not their words)

Their suggestion is to put on a plastic glove and shit in your hand!

I used some 1 pint plastic beer glasses we had left over from a party – a nice wide target area with plenty of room for overspill – but the smell was minging

The results came back showing that I'm not in the early stages of bowel cancer – whey hey!

Hoaching – is that like felching, but with someone you pay to do it?

DickBarton

FFS do you want to get into a semantic argument about the meaning of "have"?

I have two daughters. It was my wife who actually expelled them from her birth canal. Is that literal enough for you?

Do you have a car? OMG that's genetically impossible!

Latest Private Eye says it all:

Chilcot Enquiry Day 94: Evidence of Mr Alastair Campbell

Sir John Chilcot: Thank you very much for coming in Mr Campbell. I know you are a very busy man.

Alastair Campbell: Don't patronise me you **** Whitehall ****. I know all about you and I know where you live and the same goes for the rest of you scumbags sitting there on your fat arses. You can all **** off.

Sir Johm Chilcot: Thank you very much indeed Mr Campbell. I think that covers everything.

HTF is that a fail?

It's an excellent example of how enterprising people can learn a skill for themselves in a short time

They're not Inuit, FFS – they're Brummies

Well done those dads and lads say I!

If they had drowned, they could have got Darwin Awards

Oh no, hang on a sec – Darwin awards only go to people who remove themselves from the human gene pool before they reproduce

Two early-twenties twokkers from Embra probably have at least six kids between them

Pity

Glenmore Lodge

they taught me to ski on piste

then they taught me ski mountaineering

mind you, this was back in the day of proper winters in Scotland

Just like today, in fact!

hi sodafarls

stop foaming at the mouth about Issrael – at the moment you can't do anything about that country's collective punishment of the civilian population of Palestine

be patient – Iran will soon have a viable nuclear weapon with the capability to hit Tel Aviv

When that happens, you will be surprised how accommodating the Issraelis will become on the Palestinian question

I just see ordinary, everyday, everlasting, unavoidable, violent, devious, cheating football

What exactly is your point?