I'm not attacking him, but it isn't a mountain biking trail centre. It is a forest area that has been partially developed for cycling. I'd be disappointed to go to Afan and find a Go Ape, kids playground and something like The Look Out Centre – but thats me not expecting the moon on a stick.

Knob the 2nd.

Swinley has trails specifically designed, built and maintained for MTBers. You have to pay to ride there. These trails are not marked on any map (unless you have taken an OS map and a pen and marked them yourself).

I can understand peoples dissappointment in turning up there and not finding all these great trails that people tell tales of on forums such as this.

Where I think you are getting lost is differentiating between the OPs request to FIND trails and being lost in the wilderness. No-one is ever going to get lost and die in the wilderness in Swinley – but it can be enormously hard to find "The Full Nine Yards" if you don't know where it is, and would have no idea anyway if you were riding on it.

No map, no compass, will find you something if you don't know where it is……..

Try listening to the OP rather than your own ego.

Get a map and compass, and learn how to use them

Knob.

How precisely do you use a map and a compass to find something when you don't know where it is?

I guess you could flag down another MTBer and say "If you tell me where the Corkscrew is I'll give you this map and compass?".

I lived in Brackhell for 10 years and even I still get lost in the Lookout at times. It's not so big though, so be brave.

The map from the visitors centre isn't that bad as it has major landmarks on it. So if you get lost, keep riding till your find a star post for instance, and re-navigate from there.

It won't help you find the singletrack though.

Just ride off the fireroads when you see likely looking trails – odds on most will be nice tracks. Or follow people stalker stylee.

I can't imagine my parents wanting me moving back in ,and who would want to ,it makes you a sad loser who can't afford to run their own life properly

lol. That's me 🙂

however I can afford to run my life properly. I just keep making a mess of it

MUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!

Nowt wrong with the brakes either before or after this.

Get orf the feckers though. Dragging on long descents shows Hopes weakness (sorry Hope fans, I think they're gash brakes).

If you're worried ditch em for Hayes or Shimano. But learning to brake would be a good start.

Having said that – glad you're not dead 🙂

I ride a Patriot (an old one) so can't really comment. BUT, if my Patriot and your bike went out clubbing – mine would be the looker…..

But, it ain't about looks, it's about how it rides (same with fat girls really).

LOL.

Well, I just got divorced, and sold the 'marital' home (read Hell). I couldn't tie in my next purchase with the sale of Hell so I've moved back in with Mater and Pater.

I put most of my stuff into storage so I'm not being a space burden. I cook for them, I clean when I'm allowed (they don't often allow me) and I try to be as inobtrusive as I can.

A little give on both sides helps it all run smoothly.

The only downside is, at 42, it's rather embarassing to be living at home with your parents, knowing your mother will once again be washing and folding your underpants (shudders!).

I cling to the knowledge that on April 13th my new house completes……

Just ask her politely to take the call elsewhere.

If she doesn't move tell the lounge staff she was speaking a strangely Arabic language and all you understood was the word bomb……

I'm not a legal expert but my experience of honeymoon troubles would have been sold with the following advice:-

don't get married…..

I once heard him described as a mongoloid George Michael which seemed about the best way of describing him at the time.

Nice enough bloke in real life but he says some down right stupid things on the Internet. Some are intelligently designed to provoke a response. Some are just stupidity.

As for a kicking on line. One reaps what one sows….

It kind of involves using my arm to pull the skin on my face back and having my head tilted back

Ewwwwwww

That's even less attractive than the fantasies I normally have of you!

Although it is growing on me.

I'd rather see them declining a Kevin Keegan muff perm than softening the thistles……

To be honest you couldn't tell for all the bush!

They looked like ladeez.

And to be fair, most trannies are more careful about their looks and would not wander public places with a giant beaver trying to escape from their undergarments…..

On a lady – nothing. On a man, well, it kind of makes your bits look like a shaved piglet – and there's nothing remotely attractive about that.

The thing is, and not getting too technical, to 'pleasure' a lady often involves a bit of combing and re-arranging of the foliage.

With a man – the fluff is well removed from the action.

So a lady being clean and nicely shaved is great, and saves you the embarassment of taking hair spray and a hair drier to bed.

For men – a discrete covering of no more that 5mm length hairs is perfect. I don't mind a shaved ball bag – but the Hitler tash needs to stay.

Yes CG.

I've been trimming my foliage for 15 years or so now. In fact I'm trying to make a Topiary in the shape of Elvis riding an elephant at the moment. It's coming on nicely.

I hate long pubes.

They look bad, and are just a general irritant when things get frisky.

I also don't agree with being bald anywhere except on my head. Looking like a pre-pubescent 42 year old was never on my wish list……

Exactly Bigsi. It's been done a load of times before – without having to dumb the subject down with aliens.

I'm surprised they didn't have Yoda as Nelson Mandela!

What was ace about it?

An annoyingly badly acted South African tries to relocate some annoying cat food eating aliens.

The man gets infected by special alien juice and starts turning into one.

He finds a respect for said aliens.

Said stupid aliens then screw him over by escaping (just one of them like) onto their stupid ship, that no-one ever explains why it didn't fly away in the first place.

Said selfish alien then bogs off, leaving human:alien mutant and all other aliens to rot in South Africa.

It was RUBBISH!

Just do what most students do and have a party most likely to get you expelled by the Dean once the Daily Mail has published details of your shameful behaviour.

Suggestions would include:-
The Maddie Party. You all go as potential villians in the Madelaine McCann 'mystery' – someone has to go as the mother though.

The Prince Phillip Party. You all go as minorities, nations, individuals PP has insulted in the last year. Could be a large do mind.

The Dead Pool Party. You all go as people you think will die in the coming months. Keep a record, and the first one whose celeb does actually croak gets killed.

No – it was just boring.

Not sure you could felch GH. To be honest you'd have the same problem with the two hairy lift ladeez. Getting through the undergrowth to your goal would require Ray Mears and a darn good machete.

think of it as natures dental floss

YUK!

Going down on that lot would have been like french kissing Rolf Harris!

Tazzy – it was that bad!

I had my iPhone with me but didn't really fancy pulling it out and asking if they'd manage standing legs akimbo whilst I took shots of the rain forests between their ample thighs.

Strewth – I thought it was gash as well.

Done a million times before as a story, and the special effects were rubbish.

I keep seeing crap films on planes. District 9 was one as was Surrogate(?) – a stupid Bruce Willis thing where he had some kind of robot running around for him while he vegged at home.

But District 9 was worse.

No – these were American 'ladies'.

You don't need to be sneaky anymore – Sustrans have done / are doing their magic and the cycle trail runs from near Tuxford, over the trent and down into Skellingthorpe.

It's very flat, but very underused so you see some good wildlife down there.

Just pick one that didn't smell?

Don't all babies look alike anyway?

Is that your new one?

Hora, if someone was standing in front of you they wouldn't be hitting an animal……

Tic Tacs

Minty ones

Another vote for the cycle track out to Skellingthorpe (where I'm currently living!). Ride out through the village and follow the bridleway signs into the Old Wood – it's not bad in there (flat still).

Or, Sustrans now have a decent surfaced track beyond this point and over the Trent near the old power stations. Again, it's dog flat, but quite pretty, and you'll see almost no-one.

I caught a Terrapin in our local stream years ago. A dirty gert big bugger – the size of a dinner plate.

I phoned the RSPCA and asked for advice – they told me to put it back……

Now I was under the impression that Terrapins weren't native to these shores…..

Beer.

Seriously, eat at normal (local) times and set your alarm to wake you up tomorrow (don't be tempted to try and lie in).

Lay off coffee and the like and try some gentle excercise.

Well Lincoln is actually on a gert big hill so you could try riding up and down that.

Other than that it's pretty poor. There are loads of great cycle ways and the like to ride out on, but it is flat as a pancake.

I'm living there temporarily and somehow my Patriot seems a little out of place……

At the top of a local viewpoint the powers that be installed a brass plate on a wooden plinth pointing out & naming all the noteworthy things to see across the horizon & also gave a braille translation…..

LOL – the site I'm working on today has braille on the car park barrier so that any blind people driving onto site can contact security and gain access toe the visitors parking….

The US defo have a nanny state…… I'm sat here in San Francisco at the moment watching the helpless locals wander around waiting for the government to tell them when to breathe……

As a middle-class white presumably English male, you're not on the receiving end of indirect discrimination, pigeon-holing or stereotyping

This is exactly the point of PC BS. It's to make people as described above into another pigeon-holed group.

We can't take the rip out of anyone who does not fit the above description – so, by default, we become the downtrodden.

A prime example of it all gone wrong was one of my all time favourite comedy shows – Goodness Gracious Me. **** brilliant. If it had been done by a bunch of white fellas – there'd have been uproar.

None of it makes any sense. It's all about the nanny state laying Great Britain on her back and allowing anyone who wants to to screw us over.

LOL.

Yes. At a recent global meeting, despite having food poisoning and ot drinking myself, my bar bill for three nights was £1800…..

Being a manager I am expected to wander around in the bar paying peoples bar bills for them.

It does get boring after a while…..

Lady trumps, true lady trumps are funny.

I'm not talking about the vile emissions some fat slapper makes after eating a curry and drinking 15 pints of guiness (reminds me of a sweaty seal giving you a round of applause).

True lady trumps are like pixie hiccups and smell only of talcum powder.

I am a very hygenic person. In particular I pride myself on clean toilets.

But I will read on the throne. It helps to pass the, er, time. A good dump is something to be savoured and enjoyed. The feeling that you're fully empty, almost 'vacuum' like inside, is just perfect.

Why not read while you squeeze?

Personally I have read, played games on the iPhone, and I've even taken my laptop and phone in there and taken a TC whilst crimping out the mornings doings (phone on mute when tensing…..).

As for the GF question. I would never go out with someone who had only one toilet. I would go to the loo furthest away, open the window, and be careful not to simply fart a Courtney Pine solo for entertainment. Farting in front of a lady is not funny….. Although Lady trumps are.

The Lady Killers

Get Carter is my FAVE film of all time. The best gangster film ever.