@deadpool You have done the right thing by posting and ‘talking’ on here.
People care, usually a lot more than we realise, and getting your thoughts out and interacting with them is a vital step in turning things around.
My brother in law took his own life last year and it has had a devastating effect on the family. We knew he had money worries but he refused to talk about how he felt or what thoughts he was having. I can’t help thinking that if he had opened up a bit he would still be with us. Because he didn’t talk to anyone or leave a note there are so many questions we will never get answers to and so many “What if?” thoughts that will never go away.
You have your children and they have you. Talk to people and get help so it stays that way. Please.