Crawley.
Seriously, it’s ace. I don’t live there yet (I live in a very middle-class Sussex village and my kids go to a great local school) but Crawley is where it’s at:
– For biking, they have painted several white lines down the gutter at the side of some of the main roads. And some of the estates have an excellent network of singletrack ‘rabbit runs’ used by drug dealers escaping from the Police.
– Your trials skills can be developed riding over the many trail obstacles around town (burned out cars, dumped fridges, dead people).
– Your fitness levels will improve too, as you’ll get plenty of interval training when sprinting away from gangs any Saturday night.
It has a major international airport just up the road too – so it’s easy to fly away from to go somewhere nicer, although why anyone would want to do so beats me.