Prospective 1st time father at 45…GF and I are both terrified.. any insights?

I was a first time father in my early 40s, after an entire lifetime being, at best, fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. Wife was also wavering, then decided it was time (she’s 8 years younger than me). Unfortunately at a time where I was at my least ambivalent. So, around a decade later we have two. In themselves they’re great kids, wouldn’t change them for the world, one is set on a track to change the world. Either blow it up or invent something like antigravity. The other just has such an appetite for life it’s unreal.

But I regret the whole being a parent situation in itself on a fairly regular basis. Our marriage has gone (divorced nearly 6 years now) that still hurts on occasion as we used to do everything together, race, train, cook, party, holiday, DIY, and we were together 15+ years.
My time has gone, my health is poor at best (stress, borderline depression, diseases the kids bring home from school including COVID, twice, lack of training time), comfortable income has evaporated (we’re now running two homes, also had to turn down a couple of *very* lucrative jobs as they’d require serious relocation, can’t even do what I did last time I was this broke, as the kids need proper food, clothing, heat).
Make do and mend doesn’t work so well when you can’t even afford the parts.
So, yeah. The kids themselves are awesome. Parenthood/life after kids arrive has generally sucked in my case.

@Twodogs I’ve come to see comments like the one you quoted as hand grenades. They are just designed to cause a reaction. There are a few of them on here. Still doesn’t stop it being properly jaw dropping. You could have included the point about pets for me too.

As for all those who have felt pressure from relatives to have children, homosexuality is the answer!
I can only ever remember getting two comments from family. One that it’s probably best that I don’t have kids. They’d get picked on, you see. The other that I couldn’t have kids because it was biologically impossible for me and my then partner.

Overall I’ve no regrets on that front. We used to get taken out on the most terrible trips when I was a kid. Drives in the country with Grandma, trips on steam ships, trips on steam trains, church every Sunday, choir practice every Friday evening, watching father play cricket (mother was charged with helping make the teas)… There were good ones too of course but I’ve always thought if I did have kids then it would be lovely to get them into biking if that was their thing, especially when I saw families out on their bikes. I could never shake off the thought that perhaps my enthusiasm for it would stop me recognising that it wasn’t their thing and they’d turn round to me as an older person and say: “Not to mention those f-ing biking trips you used to take me on!”

I can only wish you luck, OP. I don’t envy you having such a big decision to make but there’s pros and cons whatever you decide I suppose. Best of luck.

As for all those who have felt pressure from relatives to have children, homosexuality is the answer!

I’ve heard some pretty hurtful things thrown around on that score too.

“The gays are an affront to nature, we were put on this Earth to reproduce, their life is meaningless!”

“You know my (then-)girlfriend can’t have children, right?”

“Oh… well… that’s different…”

 How can you possibly overthink “having a child”?

Because having a child is generally unknowable. Most of the folks I know (including myself) come to parent-hood by accident. You find out on a  wet Wednesday evening after your partner pees on a piece of plastic, and then mostly, You have a cup of tea…and get on with it. If you’re lucky; friends and family will rally round, and before you know it, sterilising bottles and a run to the all night supermarket for nappies is a thing you do. Choosing nurseries and negotiating with your boss for half term leave is a thing you do, running behind a wee person wobbling down the street on a bike is a thing you do. Driving half way across the county in the rain for football is a thing you do.

It doesn’t require you to overthink it, it just requires you to do it

Ah, also when you do become a parent, I’ve found you start to cry at anything…. hopefully this isn’t just me. But I’ve found myself sobbing quietly within an instant at the silliest of things.

Because having a child is generally unknowable.

There are what you think are known knowns which are actually unknown knowns, there are unknown knowns which turn out to be unknown unknowns and no known knowns after all

Who knew? :D

I’ve found you start to cry at anything…. hopefully this isn’t just me.

No, it’s not just you. My daughters properly ripped the piss out of me after I blubbed like a baby during a Disney film. I did inform them that this was entirely their bloody fault, as before they turned up I was happily mooching along with a heart of stone, comfortable in my cynical indifference. Now I’ll burst into tears at a photo of some kittens

Ah, also when you do become a parent, I’ve found you start to cry at anything….

Thank the lord, I’ve found my people!

Put me down as another weeper. 😭

You find out on a wet Wednesday evening after your partner pees on a piece of plastic, and then mostly, You have a cup of tea…and get on with it.

This. We only realised my partner was pregnant very late on, then the boy arrived two months early! Was tough but a mercy in a way as it avoided lots of agonising.

I cry at anything and don’t have kids. Makes you think, or something.

I cry at anything and don’t have kids. Makes you think, or something

That you need to man up, eat a bacon sandwich and father as many kids as you can to toughen you up a bit?

Also, get a haircut you bloody hippy. :-)

I cry at anything and don’t have kids.

Well there’s another myth debunked. #science

Sounds about right.

I do need a haircut actually, I’m less Dave Grohl and more Frank from Shameless these days.

My daughters properly ripped the piss out of me after I blubbed like a baby during a Disney film

I am unable to watch that opening sequence of “Up” for a similar reason!

Ah, also when you do become a parent, I’ve found you start to cry at anything…. hopefully this isn’t just me. But I’ve found myself sobbing quietly within an instant at the silliest of things.

Yep, side not but I think two things really changed my emotional state, one was a friend dieing at 30, another was having kids. I still refrain where possible but I definitely feel more emotional.

I just found my (childless) girlfriend crying to Love is Blind (Japan) on Netflix as one girls strict family said her man was a “nice guy”.

My spidey-sense for danger is tingling. I don’t know what form it’s in but I am alert. She’s probably up the duff or something.

Goodness – lots to unpack here. Not in any position to give advice, so just my own experience. Being a parent of grown up kids has been, at different times, the absolute best and worst experience of my life. I love them both so much it hurts. It’s a massive change, but I wouldn’t change them for the world.

45 isn’t that old. My best man had his first at 50, and his second is due soon (he’s 51 now). He’s a great Dad

@mert – thanks for being brave enough to post. It’s a fairly taboo subject, and it’s not often you hear the other side.

First time dad at 49, never really wanted kids but time felt right. Massive change to my life, less riding, drinking etc God its tiring and was a massive decision but don’t regret a minute.
Sounds like you have loads to discuss and not an easy decision as both outcomes will change your life in one way or another.

Ah, also when you do become a parent, I’ve found you start to cry at anything

Yep, me too.

Watched Encanto on Sunday. That set me off! Wtf happened to me

So we’re agreed. Kids ruin your life. But in a good way.

I think I’m a better person for it.

I’ve definitely learned more about myself from them.

@Cougar How do you know my step-mother?

I’ve definitely learned more about myself from them.

Absolutely. And for that, I will never forgive them! ;)

wait until they’re adults and you’re sat round wondering what the **** that was all about, kids and stuff…

It’s a long old game. At least my contemporaries who are on their second go round with partner #2 have neither the time nor energy for such reflection.

…and actually, on reflection, insights?

Hate to say it but this is a bloody good thread – sensitive subject mostly dealt with very honestly and constructively. Well done us!

I think I’m a better person for it.
I’ve definitely learned more about myself from them.

+1

Ah, also when you do become a parent, I’ve found you start to cry at anything…. hopefully this isn’t just me. But I’ve found myself sobbing quietly within an instant at the silliest of things.

+1

Hate to say it but this is a bloody good thread – sensitive subject mostly dealt with very honestly and constructively. Well done us!

Aye was just thinking that earlier,and now I am bloody crying again.

Hate to say it but this is a bloody good thread – sensitive subject mostly dealt with very honestly and constructively. Well done us!

It’s quite refreshing to see a thread – not just on STW but generally – discuss a highly emotive subject with (mostly) a degree of sense and reason.

#TOTW contender?

All i can say is thank god for recorded tv so i can fast forward through the bits i know with affect me.
Bloody kids

#TOTW contender?

yeah, let’s kill it :-)

looking at my post above what I failed to say is we were parents in our 20s and keen to get on with, for what that’s worth. Actually could’ve posted this

(though I would do it again)

I am unable to watch that opening sequence of “Up” for a similar reason!

Yeah, how did a kids cartoon get an 18 certificate opening?

Being a parent is very mixed but you’ll find very few that regret it. Its not all sunlit uplands but its worth it. I had a crappy divorce and years of misery (even though it was my fault) and i still don’t regret it as it gave me my daughter.

The hard graft is compulsory for the first 10 years. Then it gets easier. Then at 13(ish) they will call you a **** and at that point how easy or hard the next 5 years are are down to you. Once they are 18 and looking at the world and how to embrace it you’re done.

Being a parent is very mixed but you’ll find very few that regret it.

Google suggests 1 in 12.

https://yougov.co.uk/topics/education/articles-reports/2021/06/24/one-twelve-parents-say-they-regret-having-children

Thank you again all. I have really valued the honesty in this conversation, which at the very least, has given me an impression of what parenthood could be like – both the good stuff and the tough parts.

I may have to step back from this for a while now. We are going down a counselling route shortly.

Some of the comments have really made me laugh – ‘you put food in one end and wipe the other – and you’ll be alright’ – ‘If you don’t drown it – then the bath is considered a success’ 😂

Even the apparently ‘insensitive’ comments in this thread have been very much appreciated. I’ve found these insightful – and I’m tough enough to take it.

Although, I too did cry in the cinema watching ‘Up’.

This may be worth a watch. Apparently parents are less happy than non parents (but won’t admit it, even to themselves)…

Being a parent is very mixed but you’ll find very few that regret it.

Google suggests 1 in 12.

Yeah, a few mates (both sexes) have admitted as much.
One friend is undergoing counselling, as she deeply loves her child, but would still be happily married if the child didn’t exist, so something of a quandary. Her and her ex can pretty much pinpoint the day the marriage failed, and the reason. He’s still got his head in the sand about the whole need for counselling, and it’s starting to affect the relationship with his child.

At least for me, it was a gradual failure over time and being a parent just highlighted issues, some of which existed prior to parenthood, but weren’t an issue, and some new ones, that eventually caused the breakdown.

Ours are nine and 11 now. We absolutely wanted to have them. I chose a profession that generally pays pretty badly – journalism – and while I loved it to bits, it provided very little financial security. Wanting to have children was a real impetus for me to change careers and pick something with more reliable employers and better pay. I’d have loved to have been able to afford some more big trips and stuff before kids, but them’s the breaks. We’re taking bikes on a bit of a European road trip later this year – so we’re doing big, fun stuff with our children now, which is pretty awesome.

Second thing, which doesn’t seem to have been covered above: Even if you want to have children, finding out it’s likely to happen will still give you a real wobble: after all, this is completely unknown territory, something you’ve never done before. It’s OK to be a bit uncertain and unsure – you’re dealing with the unknown and self doubt is inevitable if you’ve got a shred of self awareness. I constantly had the thought in the back of my head of whether I was up to the job, whether I wanted children and so on. To a certain extent I still have those doubt now, but one smile, hug or comment from the children tends to dispel that. Counselling will, I’m sure, help you both separate natural anxiety about how you’ll cope with parenting from worries about whether this is the right thing.

Third thing, and again, not addressed above: it may not be a smooth road. A lot of pregnancies end in miscarriage of some form or another, and it’s far more common than you might imagine – the NHS estimates one in eight pregnancies. People don’t really talk about it. It happened to us more than once, and it may happen to you and your partner. It’s an absolute emotional sledgehammer, and there’s little you can do to prepare for it if it happens. If it does, please ask for help. Antenatal units in UK hospitals in our experience are pretty matter of fact about it, possibly because it’s simply so common.

Fourth thing: don’t be afraid of being an older parent. There are tons of them. A former boss was happily child-free into her forties before falling pregnant. She quite happily confessed to not understanding what all the fuss was about until then, and she and her husband seem to be thoroughly enjoying the whole thing. I hope some of this helps.