Prospective 1st time father at 45…GF and I are both terrified.. any insights?

Guys – lets not discuss terminations, morals etc on here.  The OP has some tough thinking to do and a debate on termination will surely end acrimoniously and be unhelpful to the OP

I think, with all respect, it’s either to be debated or for the OP to say that isn’t part of the consideration. Not for you.

I can’t put myself in their shoes, we tried long time to get pregnant and had two miscarriages before my daughter, so it was never vaguely an option for us. But ceasing a pregnancy and the implications of that are definitely part of the decision process. Only the OP can decide how to weight that as a factor. It may be unimportant, it may be the thing that swings it one way or the other.

You think your life has purpose and meaning? Wait till you have a child.

This is a terrible and toxic message that I wish people would stop doling out.

Quite the opposite. I can’t think of any other decision in life that is more emotive and likely to be decided with your heart rather than your head. Well… maybe buying an Alfa Romeo 😉

I, very recently, seriously considered buying an Alfa for my 18 year old daughter.
That’s a decision that’ll make your head explode.

^ Agreed.

From another female perspective the most important thing is to do what is right for you and your partner. You really need to talk through your feelings and the practical side of how you would share childcare. Also what would happen to your partners body both with having the child or having a termination and the emotional impacts of both.
There is no right or wrong answer as long as its the one you both want.
From my point of view I’ve never been interested in having children and thankfully neither has my husband but the societal pressure has always been there “you’ll change your mind”, “you’ll regret it when your older” or my personal favourite “who’ll look after you in your old age” I’m now pretty much too old to have children and have no regrets but that is me, your decision is entirely between the two of you.

I, very recently, seriously considered buying an Alfa for my 18 year old daughter.

Some days I dislike my kids too.

We had our girls when i was 34 and 38, i delayed a few times as never felt i was ready..

Then when we had our daughters I was really hung up on being a ‘old Dad’ but as soon as the oldest started school i realised i was mid-table, and still mid-table 4 years later when the youngest one started.
There were a few guys in the very late 40s/early 50s with a child in reception – so i really don’t think you’re too old.

No body is ready to be a parent – no matter how many books they’ve read, or how much they feel it is their destiny.
I remember walking out of hospital with out first one in a baby carrier thinking – “what do i do now? i know nothing about this” but it soon falls into place.
If you’re committed and you care, you’re already a better parent than many others.

As for financial implications – yes, kids are expensive and it doesn’t get any easier as they get older, but i enjoy giving them a good standard of living, and experiences i didn’t get as a child.
However, its worth remembering that status and privilege mean more to the parents than to the kids – All kids really want is to feel safe and loved.

I can’t tell you what decision to make, but i can say the feelings you’re having are totally natural…

Personally I’m very glad I did it, and I’m very proud to see how my daughters have turned out, but equally I can imagine not having kids, and being a happy childless (and a lot richer!) person right now.

I can 100% identify with this.

This is a terrible and toxic message that I wish people would stop doling out.

Yup, GITFS with that shite. 👉 🌊 Along with your nonsense talk about “big boy pants” and being a “real man”.

.
Aargghh.
I keep opening this thread as a distraction from work and replying to bits I think are worth replying to.
Then thinking it’s nothing to do with me and just keep out if it.
Then 3 hours later I open it again, and reply.

Then think better of it.

Well… maybe buying an Alfa Romeo 😉

I was mad enough to have two sons. I drew the line at an Alfa GT! The four of us did have a great day visiting the Alfa museum outside Milan, however.

I too would subscribe to the “overthinking it” notion. As I said, you just get on with it, do your best and deal with the hand you are dealt. You will however, never stop worrying about them. I enjoy ours and, as adults, they seem to still like me. They are all different and frustrating in many ways.

The fact that you posted, means that I personally think you’re both well qualified and thoughtful of the challenges already. As a rule, books on parenting are generally read by the audience least needing of the advice they contain. Good luck!

The fact that you posted, means that I personally think you’re both well qualified and thoughtful of the challenges already.

This ever so very much

Late to this post, probably nothing to add that hasn’t already been said… but I will anyway.

OP: The fact that your post was so open, thoughtful and (brutally) honest, means in my mind you’ll be absolutely fine, and more than likely will thrive. Most people are scared sh1t-less when they find out they’re expecting the first, and rightly so. It’s hard work, scary and bloody thankless at times, especially in the first 6 months. But the rewards and the good times are inexplicably good. I’ve now got two little best-mates (8 and 4) and would not change it for the world

I have to say though it’s not all been a bed of roses. When we were expecting our first I was really excited and felt ready, but after the birth it took about 3 months to truly bond with him. I was very confused and pretty upset as to why I naturally didn’t love him at first sight, in fact I felt quite the opposite. Looking back I think I was angry at how much he had physically hurt my wife and was holding that against him – completely irrational, I know! What really got me down was that my experience seemed to be the complete opposite to most expectant first-time dads; they seemed to be terrified before the birth but then ‘get it’ the second they hold the baby in their arms. However… it came…eventually and since then it’s been amazing. (Interestingly I had no such issues with #2 child.)

This info is probably of no use, but thought I’d add another angle to the “what if I don’t love ‘it’?” thoughts.

Lastly, and as others have said only you and your missus can decide what’s best. It will change your life, and I’m >99% certain for the better.

I thought maybe it would be useful if I share this thread with my GF. Interestingly, the comments she read just seemed to confirm her worst fears, that the lack of money, lack of time, lack of sleep, will become everything in our life.

I wouldn’t change anything in my life (two girls, now 8 & 10) but you will be worse off in terms of time, money and sleep. It’s unavoidable. You adapt to less sleep and time, but for money I guess depends on how much you had to start with. Perhaps running a cheapish car and going camping for your holiday doesn’t seem like much of a compromise, but if you’re struggling to get by now it may be a different matter.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

p.s. You see lots of posts from fathers saying it took a while to bond with their child. Some of us however felt it from the very beginning.

Just my twopennorth, lots of (older) parents over plan, over think etc but really itll never pan out how you plan for it, it is a leap of faith, you will most likely be fine but there are risks, be aware of them but dont attempt to strategise your way around them or ypur head will be a mess. You need to roll with it and especially looking after your partner in the first 6-12 months and, like all parenting advice, this will likely be bollocks because it’s always different for everyone

There is no right choice just be 100% honest and supportive of each other wherever that goes. Good luck with whatever path you choose,

51 year old, childfree by choice, woman here. OP I haven’t read the whole thread but interestingly enough I did read TJ’s first post and could have written that myself. I have always felt that having children is one of the most important/ significant things that you will ever do in life and as such you are right to be giving it all of the thought. I certainly wouldn’t suggest you are overthinking it.

What you have done is come here and ask a question that lots of people are too afraid to ask and you are getting a full range of really honest, real world experiences, which is after all, STW at its best. Be kind to yourselves and as people have said, there’s no right or wrong to this, whatever you decide to do.

By coincidence, a younger colleague has got his first sprog due today. Those of us who are a bit older and been down this road, are all sniggering to ourselves at how naive and completely unprepared he is for whats about to happen to him. We’re laughing because we were all equally as unprepared and can absolutely identify with it

He’s calmly talking about all these plans he’s got for whats apparently going to happen during his paternity leave.

It’s hilarious. He literally has not got the first clue whats about to hit him! 🤣

@binners – Couple next door were exactly the same. No-one knows what’s coming, for good and bad, no matter how much they think they do.

What a great thread!

I don’t envy you though, tough situation to be in.

There is absolutley nothing wrong with not wanting children. As grum said – You do you!

BUT do you think the situation you’re in is one of self doubt (both of you) as opposed to really not wanting children?

Everyone has posted their experiences, and circumstances…I have two, 12 and 6 (second one took a bit longer than we expected! But it was fun trying)

It’s hard, but would absolutley not change it. Best thing I’ve ever done.

All the stuff about being tired, skint, loss of time for personal hobbies, that all gets better – it’s the early years that are hardest.

Well, yes you’ll still be skint. So what! We only live once (probably), the thought of not having kids and ALL of the experiences, lessons, stresses, general carnage and LOVE that goes with it so you can have a bit more money and buy material things!?

When Thump was 18 months old a lass at work confessed in the coffee room that she and her husband was thinking of adopting but everyone was saying don’t do it.

I said that it had taken me 2 hours to get me and Thump ready that morning – but we’d laughed and chatted and giggled through the process. Yes it was time-consuming and hard work but I’d also laughed out loud several times. I asked if she’d laughed while getting ready that morning?

Yes, kids are time-consuming and hard work but they can be fantastically good fun and rewarding.

Anyway: When Thump was born, midwife suggested to Mrs SC and I that we bathe him. We had absolutely no idea what to do. Midwife said – if you don’t drown it, then the bath has been a success.
I’ve taken that attitude into parenting….

I, very recently, seriously considered buying an Alfa for my 18 year old daughter.

Still – it reduces the chances of her being involved in an accident…

I have always felt that having children is one of the most important/ significant things that you will ever do in life and as such you are right to be giving it all of the thought. I certainly wouldn’t suggest you are overthinking it.

I’m glad someone else wrote this because I was tending towards the “is it just me, or…?” bucket. How can you possibly overthink “having a child”? Overthinking is when you can’t decide between two choices of pizza topping.

BUT do you think the situation you’re in is one of self doubt (both of you) as opposed to really not wanting children?

Exactly, this is my point regarding not doing something because it is scary or hard Vs not doing something because you fundamentally bad.

I’m glad someone else wrote this because I was tending towards the “is it just me, or…?” bucket. How can you possibly overthink “having a child”? Overthinking is when you can’t decide between two choices of pizza topping.

I get what you are saying but it’s about letting go of control, or more accurately the illusion of control. I would say there is overthinking with respect to being ready , being to old , begin able to cope.

No one is ready, you could die tomorrow, no one thinks they can cope. It’s the illusion that everything has to be in place to do something. The question is not am I ready but am I ready to try and keep trying, failing and keep on trying. This is in essence life, we try, we fail, we keep trying, if we knew how hard it (life) would be we would kill ourselves as soon as we be are able to!

How can you possibly overthink “having a child”?

Of course there are a lot of things to possibly consider, but like a lot of these decisions, if you take a cold-eye, logical look at it and did something like a multi-attribute-decision-analysis exercise (AKA over thinking it…) you’d basically end up doing nothing. The same with a lot of life’s decisions. Take owning a dog… if you wrote down all the ways in which a dog will restrict your life (financially, time, holidays, visits to places etc) you wouldn’t do it. Not for a minute. But ask most dog owners and they pretty much say just ‘go for it’, I assume because for most people the intangible benefits outweigh the logical negatives.

(For the record, I am not in anyway comparing owning a dog to raising children… but might be something that more people can relate to in terms of ‘life’ decisions.)

No body is ready to be a parent – no matter how many books they’ve read, or how much they feel it is their destiny.
I remember walking out of hospital with out first one in a baby carrier thinking – “what do i do now? i know nothing about this” but it soon falls into place.

This^^^  I’m still winging it and I have three of the wee buggers.  But you find your way, you will never be ready, it will never be the right time, it will be hard work, but somehow it all feels worth it.

Having just re-read the OP, I have to say that it feels to me to simply be a case of panic – you had talked about having children in the past and you decided it was ‘now or never’. Well there is your answer – it is now. I reckon that the suddenality of it happening has just shocked you and you’re not quite mentally ready yet but I think that will come.

As I said previously, I am an older dad too but so what? I love my girls (12 years old) and I am immensely proud of their achievements – one is academically very bright and I get a thrill on hearing praise from her teachers (such as writing English essays in Yr 7 that the teacher said she would have been impressed with from a Yr11). The other is very sporting – she has represented her school at County level in running, is often ‘Player of the Match’ in netball competitions and at the weekend she came 4th in a Dressage competition when all of the other competitors were adults.

I am not trying to brag with the above but I am simply very proud of them – little people I helped bring into the world (along with the help of a great wife and a bunch of IVF doctors) are doing amazing things (as well as infuriating things, but there you go) and it’s great to see them change, adapt and develop with every passing day.

One slight personal positive here is seeing so many people like myself with out kids. Like I say I’ve been feeling a little odd about it recently and often feel that I’m/ we’re out on a limb on our own with our decisions.

However this threads shows a much higher % than I would of thought have made the same decision

All I’ll say to the op is good luck on whichever option you take.

you had talked about having children in the past and you decided it was ‘now or never’. Well there is your answer – it is now.

Never is still an option. Later is probably an option too.

The right option is very much a decision between the OP and his partner.

It is a big decision, in a “know yourself” kind of way I reckon. It seems fine to have a good think about it.

As far as I can tell, for people who choose to have kids, the ONLY thing you acquire at the end, for all the well documented effort and cost, is your relationship with those kids. Great or terrible. There seems to be no other badge, award or material gain in it.

So I guess having faith in yourself to make a good go of it seems pretty important in the decision making. I can understand why people hesitate and it isn’t selfishness in lots of cases.

like a lot of these decisions, if you take a cold-eye, logical look at it and did something like a multi-attribute-decision-analysis exercise (AKA over thinking it…) you’d basically end up doing nothing.

Reported to STW. “I’m in this post and I don’t like it.”

All I know is that I was always completely indifferent about the idea of having a kid. Then we had our daughter and it turned out the absolutely most amazing and significant moment of my life which turned me into a person who now wonders why some people choose careers etc.

Nothing has come close to the experience of being a father. That’s not something I’d have dreamed of saying before it happened to me.

Lots of people have kids later now. OK so it’s not ideal timing but there’s never really a perfect time anyway.

As far as I can tell, for people who choose to have kids, the ONLY thing you acquire at the end, for all the well documented effort and cost, is your relationship with those kids. Great or terrible. There seems to be no other badge, award or material gain in it.

Having someone around to wipe your arse once you’re infirm seems to be the other common one. Which kinda hinges on the ‘great’ bit there.

1. Stop being a shitebag and put on your big boy pants.

2. You think your life has purpose and meaning? Wait till you have a child. If you are a real man (I am sure you are, some are not like BIL) and step up to your responsibilities then your life has meaning and purpose.

I’m speechless.

He’s calmly talking about all these plans he’s got for whats apparently going to happen during his paternity leave.

Sometimes it all works out just like this for some parents Leaving the rest of us grinding our teeth in jealous frustration.

@Twodogs so am I!

Having someone around to wipe your arse once you’re infirm seems to be the other common one.

Interesting point.  During a discussion many years with my mother about me wanting to be childless she brought that one up.  Now she is getting old and infirm she does not want me – a professional arse wiper – to wipe her arse

But then I am now alone completely – friends and Infirm parents with some family abroad but no kids and grandkids.  I’m 60

But I am also beholden to no one and nothing.  I can do just what I want

I have thought about my decision to be childless over these last months and overall still content with it

I highly doubt that my mother would either. But as the world turns, it’s a valid argument and I’ve got her back.

I think for my part, if and when I lose my marbles I’d prefer a stranger over a family member / friend to be on wiping duty. Though of course, someone needs to get me into that position in the first place. Eh, so to speak.

Aargghh.
I keep opening this thread as a distraction from work and replying to bits I think are worth replying to.
Then thinking it’s nothing to do with me and just keep out if it.
Then 3 hours later I open it again, and reply.

Then think better of it.

Same here 😀
Interesting thread because of the way it’s made so many of us think about our ‘decisions’ and lives.

For me it all boils down to the two coasters I have at work.
Coaster 1 is from the Hughes Rally in 2004, a time when I was a historic rally navigator blasting around the countryside with a mate. Great memories.
Coaster 2 is one my eldest son made at school. It’s a pretty funny rendition of me, him and the ‘70s Triumph we used to drive around in. More great memories. One is about me, the other is about us. And it’s about his future memories of his childhood.

I get that having kids isn’t for everyone (I’ve a friend that had a vasectomy because he has the same mental health issues as his dad and doesn’t want to risk having a child with the same), but I’d be wary of avoiding it due to status anxiety.

Australia is an incredible place to bring up kids, but as someone else pointed out, kids just need love.

The pride in watching the kids grow is indescribable.

moved to Australia in 2008, didn’t want kids, changed mind, had kids in 2014 and 2017. first at 38.

its great.

just building a house by the ocean and I have loads of bikes.

don’t worry about the stuff that hasn’t happened, focus on the good stuff.

they spontaneously generate mess, though.

The thing with “who will look after me in old age” thing is that.. well, you’ll probably have more money and noone to leave it to so I’ll just pay for someone to look after me. Get me one of those good nursing homes with the “Blow-J’s, not Beatings” mission statements.

In somewhat related news, my uncle had his first kid in his mid-50s, that was 7 years ago. Wasn’t together with the mum but had part custody. Totally changed his life around – he loves the kid so much!

Couple of weeks ago the woman says “it’s not yours”. DNA test…. it bloody well isn’t!
I can’t even imagine what this is doing to him. And the wee lad!