Prospective 1st time father at 45…GF and I are both terrified.. any insights?

I was child agnostic. Now have two. Started late ish.

Don’t, don’t do something because you are scared. Just deal with the now. It is hard work but also fun. Worry not about how old you will be when you are 70 worry only about today as that is what you can deal with.

Remember you will regret what ever decision you make. You have the opportunity to start an adventure but not to do that adventure because of fear is not a good reason.

If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both. Laugh at the world’s follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will also regret it; if you laugh at the world’s follies or if you weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world’s follies or you weep over them, you will regret both. Believe a girl, you will regret it; if you do not believe her, you will also regret it; if you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both; whether you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both. If you hang yourself, you will regret it; if you do not hang yourself, you will regret it; if you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the sum of all practical wisdom.

Kierkegaard

I’m a father of 2 lads (20 & 17) and I can say, as much as it pains me to do so, it has not been a positive experience for me overall.
My main error was having them with the wrong person.
I’m now with the person I should have been with back then, but now I’m too old in late 40s so I’ve had the snip.

People often over-romanticise parenthood; it’s classic Cognitive Dissonance. The world is vastly over-populated too, so there’s no need to breed really.

The cost of having a kid at Uni etc when I’m in my 70s terrifies me; I’m worried about how I’ll fare then as it is.

Apologies for my slightly depressing take on things, but that’s how it is for me.

I became a dad to twins at 42. I’ll be 55 this year just after they hit 13. They are wonderful and I’d not change a thing. How old I am when they are 25 doesn’t matter – in fact it will probably mean they get a decent inheritance at an age where it will be useful for them.

Kryton – I have a couple of things i would like to say to you ( apologies and pleading for understanding) but I cannot PM you and don’t want it to take over another thread

You don’t need to apologise or plead to me TJ. Because of the history I’m trying very hard to respond to you sensibly on threads. I don’t have a good family history, and my opportunities with my two kids are hugely emotionally valuable to me, so blunt talk of “termination” feels very sensitive and whether you or someone else had posted it, I’d have said the same. I appreciate the op finds themselves in a tricky position, but we are ultimately talking about a child’s life here, not a bike part you can put back on the shelf.

Maybe that sensitivity is about my issues not yours/others, and I’m happy to accept that.

41, no kids here. Never been completely against it, but never been sure so haven’t.

I’ll likely get in trouble with this comment, but I always find the comparison between “shall we have kids” threads and “shall we get a dog” threads fascinating.

On the latter the general sentiment is that you have to have everything in place before you say yes with lots of people saying how much of a commitment it is and saying to be sure. You should default to no unless you’re 100%.

On the former, a bigger, longer, more life changing commitment, the default is yes and I’m sure all will work out.

I personally find this odd.

I’d suggest the OP needs to have a frank and honest discussion with his other half about his concerns. They should both be 100% on board, if they’re not it’ll cause issues down the line.

Kryton – OK.  I have noticed your change of approach and appreciate it and will try to reciprocate.  Thanks

I do still have a couple of things I would like to say to you but this thread is not the right place

Read the OP last night but mulled the topic over a bit before spouting.

We had our first when I was 30 (missus is a bit older), it wasn’t planned, but wasn’t actively avoided if that makes sense. The thing is we were both set on keeping it from day one. Not that we didn’t have the same concerns as you, we were renting, generally enjoying our own “extended childhood” with some disposable income, free time and few relative responsibilities.

So the same concerns were there, and an appreciation of the responsibility that being a parent is, which I think you seem to have. That alone is a decent starting point whatever you decide between you. But don’t get too caught up in the logistics and financial implications, not every family is well off and financial security alone does not make functional family or a happy life. I wouldn’t change my life today for anything, but that’s me and I think you’ve had enough cheerleaders for kids and family life already…

I have friends who knew they did not want to spawn and most of them seem happy, just aware that their decision will forever be questioned by everyone they meet for the next 30 years and that they’ll inevitably lose a few friends to the parenting cliques…

The current realty for you and your GF is stark OP, this will change your lives whatever happens:

You will either become parents and manage to face that together, become parents and find the changes test your relationship beyond breaking point (this is a distinct possibility), or decide on a termination and that choice will also play a part in your relationship going forwards as it will always be something that happened and which the pair of you will need to deal with. Either way you are in for some irrecoverable change. So long as you are both open and honest about what you both want and what is worrying you, that’s the best you can do…

It’s no good any of us telling you we loved or hated being parents, we’re not you. all I can say is it is something that you can do, plenty of people have managed before it’s not an unassailable task whatever resources and capacity you have, your concerns are pretty much universal and I would worry more if half them didn’t occur to you.

Ultimately you only get to find out if the choice you make today was the ‘right’ one in about twenty years or so, and the answer will probably just be a general sense of well-being or some distant regret at how things panned out, its not a binary thing unfortunately.

I’m not really in any similar situation as we had planned kids at an earlier age (I’m now 37 with 4 young boys) however for my 2p’s worth of advice I’ll add that one thing to be careful of is your relationship with your partner, especially around the time of the birth.

Be strong and be there for each other! Things will be tough at times and you particularly need to understand that her hormones will be going completely haywire, which can lead to strained relationships at a time that’s already stressful enough. If she snaps at you or says something hurtful, understand that it’s not really meant or what she truly believes. Let it wash over you and if needed, discuss at a later time when things are settled.

It’s a 2 way thing of course, but will be harder for her to bear in mind at this time, especially if she gets the baby blues as well.

Oh and about the termination, bear in mind that this may be your last chance as if you regret the decision, when trying again you’ll be even older and will have all the same doubts as now, but stronger! Termination is irreversible however if you do have the kid you still have the option to terminate at any point in the future 😉

What an honest post. Respect.

I can understand where you are. I was always child-agnostic, partner actively against it. However, once she became pregnant (she 39, me 49), she was adamant against a termination. We now have a 5 year running around. When he’s 20, I’ll be 70, so I empathise with you!

My sister is 3 only years older than me, but her youngest is nearly 27, so I can see pros and cons to having children at different times in life. Yes, the overlap when we can do sporty things as equals will probably be when he’s about 10, but I think I’m a much better father than I would have been 15, 20 years ago. I’m much more reflective and aware of how my behaviour effects the family dynamic.

My advice would be not to overthink it, though I appreciate that’s easier to advise than to achieve. People have been bringing up kids for millennia, and – spoiler alert – nobody knows what they’re doing. Everybody is just making it up as they go along. Try to relax into it and be as empathetic as you can. There’s often a reason when they’re being a complete terror. It’s amazing how much you see your behaviour reflected back at you.

And remember, they’re gonna turn out ok.

All kids are different, but FWIW ours is more effected by fresh air and diet than anything else. Outdoor time (in any weather) has a real positive effect on his behaviour. Processed food does seem to have the opposite effect. But it’s all about balance. It’s not fair to be mega strict on everything, and the occasional bit of what’s bad for them is probably good for them (a good motto for life, that).

His mum got her pre-baby figure back within 6 months (without breast feeding), whereas I’ve put on 10 kilos, so there’s no telling how it will affect you both.

Overall I’d say the important thing is to relax. Yes, there will be hard times. Yes there’ll be times when you’re washing shit off every surface. And I know he’ll think I’m a massively embarrassing dickhead within the next 10 years. But all the negatives are outweighed by the fun he brings. It’s life affirming to see the world with a 5 year old’s sense of wonder and excitement, and the pleasure of sharing laughs is off-the-scale.

I’ve not articulated this very well. Feel free to PM me if you’re having a wobble and want to talk through any part of being an older dad (though you’re a whippersnapper from where I’m standing)!

Good luck, and enjoy it.

We had our boy when i was 35, and i can’t deny that age died make me fear a little for the future.
My experience is coloured by losing my dad when i was 26 (he was 41 when i was born).
That being said i wouldn’t change it for the world, 42 now though and not sure i would have another simply because i wouldn’t want to put my wife through the damage child birth and pregnancy does.
Ask that being said it is normal to be utterly terrified of it, your world does change beyond anything you can imagine, if that is for you or not i cannot answer but vid luck either way.
Also fwiw i think tj’s input was valuable in this

41 here with a 2 year old and 2 step daughters (7 and 9) who live with us most of the time. I was always pretty anti having children but I came out of a long term relationship, met someone new after a few years and it just happened and it’s been wonderful in many ways, but…

I’ll be honest it’s bloody hard work a lot of the time. As someone who has struggled with long-term chronic depression/CFS and has sleep issues anyway, I am really permanently knackered now, and find it even harder to keep on top of life stuff eg cleaning, cooking, paying bills, let alone finding time for hobbies, running a business, having a social life etc.

Sometimes feels like you are literally just running around stopping them breaking stuff/fighting each other, picking up the mess they make, cooking/cleaning/doing the dishwasher, and yet your house is still a tip! Then beyond that you obviously want to try and do constructive stuff with them and not just plonk them in front of screens but often that’s the only way to buy a bit of sanity.

I don’t mean to sound overly negative as there is a lot of joy in our lives which wouldn’t be there without the kids but I often feel like I’m not really up to the job. Hopefully it gets easier when the boy is at nursery and Covid issues settle down with family childcare etc

For the OP, both approaches are fine and valid.  I would emphasise a few points already made

It will put a lot of pressure on your relationship so this is a decision that has to be made together

If you decide to go for it then no-one knows what they are doing, they are making it up as they go along with a bit of info from the side but it really is your journey

It really helps to have a good support network around you to relieve a little of the pressure as it is relentless, but it isn’t essential

As TJ and others have said, once the baby arrives a drive will kick in that you don’t expect and will give you an ability and desire to cope that you can’t imagine.

Good luck whichever way you decide to go.  There is no easy decision either way but as long as you are deciding together you will cope both ways

Like a couple of posters, I’ve never wanted to have kids, though I enjoy hanging out with my nieces, nephews and friends’ kids. Main reason being that the planet has enough humans running around ruining it so why add mine to the mix. But also because I really enjoy having the time and money to do pretty much what I want, whenever I want.
Also, I don’t want the responsibility nor the drudgery, tedium or worry. I think a lot of Dads say that they weren’t sure but it was the best thing that happened to them. Unless they’re full-time Stay-At-Home-Dads, that might be because the miss out on most of the meal times (which are total zoos in my experience), the tidying up, the calls from nursery or schools to collect a sickly kid, and so on. Instead they come home from work for bedtime and have the fun time at the weekends. I suspect a full-time mum might have a more nuanced point of view.

Firstly good luck to you both, whatever you choose, and I agree with the points about this being a brave and honest post. I agree with much of the comments above (from both sides), but a couple of things that I can’t see above:

Older parents bring something different to being a parent – yes they are more tired, less physically active (maybe), but they are also wiser, more sensible, less prone to stupidity and fits of temper etc. All children and all parents are different, and all are doing the best they know how.

One thing stood out to me in the original post was the line ‘Last night my GF confided in me that she was considering a termination.’

The typical bloke type answer, especially when unsure, is ‘oh’ and then we go off into a spin internally without sharing or supporting.

Not saying this is you Mr Deer but, the fact your good lady has said it clearly means it is high in her thoughts, which means it has to be discussed between you without prejudice.

There is no right and wrong answer, only what is right for you.

This is absolutely right, but also ber in mind that a termination will be something that is with you and your partner forever. I know people who have been through that and still regret it decades later. Be absolutely sure this is what you both want.

All the best

My little girl (now three) came along when I was 39, but was planned after lots of discussion. We were both ready (or as ready as you can be!) and I have precisely zero regrets. She’s changed my life beyond all recognition, covid has made things different than they would have been (maybe more difficult, maybe not) but she’s completely worth it. We also got really lucky when she was about six months old – I gambled on a voluntary redundancy, got a decent payout which ended up being a chunk of deposit for a sizeable house upgrade then found a much better job.

So for me, although it’s been incredibly hard at times, I wouldn’t change a thing.

On the flip side, it is fine not to want or have kids (and I’m throwing my support behind TJ here as his feelings are just as valid as those of anyone else here). Your life WILL change, and taken in isolation not all of it will be positive. I rarely find time for ‘proper’ mtb rides any more (it’s a drive to decent trails, which makes a considerable time investment) but I’ve started running and bouldering a lot more (which fits in better).

My advice would be to consider your relationship with your partner. Sounds pretty good from your initial post, but having a child will put you both under a lot of stress. Communication is key. Think about whether you’re happy to give up things like popping to the pub on a whim, or regular days out riding in exchange for cleaning up shit and not sleeping.

If you do go ahead, then consider learning about how you can be a positive part of the birth and not just a spare part. Hypnobirthing (despite the name – I was VERY cynical) was brilliant for us and I would recommend it. Also consider something like NCT (that may be a UK thing) not just for what you’ll learn (which was useful) but for the support network your partner may built through it.

And whatever you decide, stick with it. Asking yourself ‘what if’ will mess you up. Accept the decision you have made, and make the best of it!

If I were the op I would be terminating.

Always liked the idea of having kids when I was in my early 20’s.

As I got older I realised I’m quite selfish with my time and appreciate doing what I want. Friends had kids and then I saw the reality of their world being turned on its head. Suddenly matey went from top rung of his ladder to the very bottom. That’s not really changed much in the last 14 years.

I could not imagine being tied down for the next (minimum) 18 years. Even less so given the fact I don’t want to physically be where we are right now.

Other friends of ours have recently had a kid. She’s not dealing with it brilliantly. He’s been round several times just to get some free head space. Not being funny, but the kid is so bloody boring. Does nothing. Just sits or stands there. Have told them I’m not meeting at the kiddy park anymore as it’s so mind numbingly dull.

Another friend came round last week. Not seen her nor her little un for over a year. Blow me the kids is a demanding little sprog with an over inflated ego. Had twitchy hand syndrome a couple of times.

The GF was never broody and fortunately as she had got older she’s gone off the idea completely.

All the GF’s mates have kids and are now trapped in a cycle of ferrying the kids to school, rushing to work, worrying about whether the kids are dyslexic/autistic/allergic etc. Even she says she can’t remember the last time they had a normal conversation together that didn’t involve kids.

I don’t think there’s any right answers – life is the stuff that happens while you’re making other plans.

Have kids or don’t but attempting to denigrate the choice you didn’t make isn’t healthy IMO.

You could call parenting tedious drudgery or whatever but you could also argue childless parents are shallow, narcissistic, and unable to commit to anything. Probably best not to go down that route though eh.

I suspect a full-time mum might have a more nuanced point of view.

There’s probably some truth to this. I’m not a full time stay at home dad but my business is taking a backseat at the moment so it’s mostly me taking the boy to playgroups etc.

I’ve literally not seen another male parent at any of them, I was quite surprised.

I’m going to add another voice to the childfree-by-choice posters here; not to say do or don’t do it, but to say that whichever decision you make will be the right one for you.

Of all the posters saying they were unsure but now that it’s happened it’s great – how many of you had partners who were the ones who were sure they wanted kids? I’d wager it’s a very different scenario if you’re both unsure. I was ambivalent about having children, but my OH is 100% (and always has been) about not wanting to be a parent, and the longer we’ve been together the more strongly I’ve leaned towards her feelings.

Given that what’s at stake, I’d far rather regret not having children than regret having them. Whatever you both decide, make sure you support each other. Don’t feel pressured into making a choice that you’re not happy with just because it’s what you think you should do, or to please other people.

You mention your fears about careers. But it’s statistically the mother’s career that really takes the hit – first with a year out of the workplace, then second, if she goes back to work full time, she’s very often the one that’ll be expected to leave work mid-afternoon if junior gets sick at school or etc etc. Would your partner feel differently if she wasn’t expecting to be the one who handles all that?

Anyway. I am not a parent, though not by choice. MrsDoris is older than me, so by 38 I had accepted that it wasn’t going to happen. It was hard to take for the first couple of years – I was resentful of my friends and colleagues were becoming parents, guilty that my mum would never be a grandmother, fearful of a lonely old age, strangely sad (in a vain way) that my family name will die out with me – it’s a slightly odd surname, now unique to my family.

MrsDoris was always more child-ambivalent than me and is, in a lot of ways, quite glad it didn’t end up happening (although if we could have skipped all the shit in between that would have been better!).

But it’s rare now that I feel upset about the absence of kids in my life. We have a standard of living, on our average salaries, that would be completely out of reach if we had kids. We have time to pursue our artistic hobbies. The doubts about whether we would be good parents never came to anything. I certainly don’t envy my friends with teenagers. I have a good life. I’m happy with my lot.

But don’t worry about money, though. You’ll find a way.

I do think the key thing here is to talk it all through and make a positive decision that you are both happy with if at all possible.

Now imagine its twins, this was me aged 44….

I am now 55 and the boys are sport mad 11 year olds and its bloody excellent fun. Boy its hard work, I fall asleep in the dentist chair, I fall asleep anytime i sit down :-)))

One is High functioning ASD, ADHD/ODD, mild Tourettes, etc etc and life is never dull tbh, sometimes its tough and sometime a laugh a minute

The other is a rugby and cycling god (in my eyes), he has his own challenges, mainly in living with his bonkers brother.

I always could see me with kids but it didnt happen like most of my friends, in the end I met a girl a lot younger than me, and bob’s your uncle twin came along, btw am I oldest of my mates and dads at school pickup, nope not by a long way?

Go for it, if it doesnt kill you it will keep you skint a young :-)

Ferris

TJ although I think you have a right to an opinion, you have no experience and the words you used and the inference of them are abhorrent to a parent – they lack sensitivity.

Perhaps worth taking into consideration that the boot is usually on the other foot. I’ve been told “you don’t want children? What’s wrong with you, it’s different when they’re your own…” for thirty years. This is the “preachy vegan” argument all over again, truth is that it’s the carnivores doing all the bleating.

For all that a few are criticising into TJ for being blunt, he’s made the best post so far here:

I do think the key thing here is to talk it all through and make a positive decision that you are both happy with if at all possible.

Have the kid, be happy. Don’t have the kid, be happy. But, be happy and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

“you don’t want children? What’s wrong with you, it’s different when they’re your own…” for thirty years.

I did used to get this and it was pretty annoying – I think anyone trying to claim there is one right answer is daft.

I’ve had the opposite recently though: ‘oh you’re having a kid don’t you worry about the world you’re bringing them into?’ 🙄

There absolutely is a special joy in playing with your kid or seeing them learn which is isn’t really replicated anywhere else in life but getting some sleep and doing whatever you want most of the time is pretty sweet also.

I have friends who knew they did not want to spawn and most of them seem happy, just aware that their decision will forever be questioned by everyone they meet for the next 30 years and that they’ll inevitably lose a few friends to the parenting cliques…

Anyone who questions someone’s choices (sometimes it’s not a choice) over this matter, or who makes a judgement over not having kids can, quite frankly, get in the bin.

I don’t care if you’ve 0-10 kids, dogs, giraffes, or cats. Just be interesting and decent.

I’ve found, as a childless dad, if that makes sense, many folk can get tedious in their middle age. Please don’t get all judgy and join those chinless wonders, folks.

I’ve not read the thread, but wanted to pitch in with my own experience.
I was a dad at 28 and enjoyed every moment. Great relationship with my daughter, not so much with her mum so ended things when I was 46, probably about 5 years later than I should have but stayed in the relationship due to my own misguided fear of the affect it may have in my daughter and it’s relationship.
Realised I wanted to be with someone and started dating. Soon realised that I missed being a dad, so when I met a widow with two amazing young kids I was so happy, got married and am now coming to what is hopefully the end of the adoption process.
Age difference between me and the kids will be pretty similar to yours. It’s never really crossed my mind, but I like to think of myself as a youngish 54, and I’d like to think that I’m doing a pretty **** decent job as a dad 2nd time around.
What can I say, it works for us, love spending time as a family, or with any of kids in their own. Whilst I see parallels between the eldest & middle daughter, they are each all very different.
You’ll never be ready, it’s never the right time, but we all find a way.
And it’s wonderful. I wouldn’t change a thing. Maybe I’m lucky. Maybe we make or own luck.
I’m not sue that any of this helps, but wanted you to know it can work. Very well it would seem!!

I’ve found, as a childless dad, if that makes sense, many folk can get tedious in their middle age.

TBF that happens to many folk whether they have children or not. 😂

I’ve found, as a childless dad, if that makes sense, many folk can get tedious in their middle age.

Even coke and hookers gets boring after a while. Apparently.

There absolutely is a special joy in playing with your kid or seeing them learn which is isn’t really replicated anywhere else in life

I dunno, I’ve taught one of the cats to play Fetch.

TBF that happens to many folk whether they have children or not. 😂

Yes, that is true! But its appreciated if they don’t add being a judgy parent to their list of faults! 🤣

Even coke and hookers gets boring after a while. Apparently.

who told you that?! 🤣

Firstly the basics- Congratulations! Its the best thing ever & you are not be too old.

Cold feet are natural, worry is natural (get used to it!) You’ve been thinking about it for years and trying for a while. You made the decision to have a child then now you should follow through on that decision and be positive about the child with your other half.

who told you that?!

Binners

I dunno, I’ve taught one of the cats to play Fetch.

Your cat thinks it’s cute that you think you’ve taught it anything.

I dunno, I’ve taught one of the cats to play Fetch.

Respect. I taught mine to jump through a hoop. Fetch was beyond it.

@cougar

I’m still teaching mine not to be a dick.

It’s not working

You are living through my absolute worst nightmare. I was there 20 years ago. Fortunately she got herself booked into marie stopes to get it resolved.
No longer together but neither she nor I have kids these days with current partners and I’m more than happy with that.
Looking forward to winding down work soon. The though of having to provide for others for the next 20 years is an absolutely terrifying prospect.

I get the feeling this thread has gone away from advice and insight into peoples personal justification for their own life choices!

From a money point of view you don’t need to buy half of what you think you need, eBay is full of barely used baby clothes and accessories, IKEA do all sorts of baby/child stuff including changing tables etc which are not that expensive. Friends when you tell them will most likely give you all their stuff as well!!

The best thing I bought was a Tummy Tub essential a bucket to wash them in but it was so much easier than a bath as you can use it in any room and calming for the baby as it puts them in the fetal position.

Have you both thought about joining a NCT class? Good way to meet others who most likely will have or had the same thoughts and you may make some new long-term friends (our daughter is 8 but we are still in regular contact with people from the NCT group).

Kids.i only have the one.
I was so excited at 1st, the new came…and I was terrified me a dcthe wire didn’t really have a clue….but wise words from a departed mate was….it doesn’t matter how you get though as long as you struggle….which snapped me out of it….
The baby years are boring ….I was struggling to stay awake at work, then as soon as they start eating, you get some sleep back….from about 18months the fun starts…till the early teen years….mine was a proper nightmare literally from start of 13…lasted 6 months….slowly he became normal ish again….now he is 15 and honesty he is my best mate…every thing he does makes me proud…except nicking my clothes ha ha ha…
So being worried is perfectly normal…we’ve all been there…and eventually you’ll be here where I am right now looking back with a smile on your face…Happy that you took this adventure on and survived…all the best mate

.

Remember there is no “right” way to rear a child, just that which works for your family.

There’s no one right way. There are plenty of good enough ways which is what I think you’re saying and I agree with that.

People are amazing. And I forgot to congratulate the OP and Baby Mother on such exciting news: congratulations! You are in for the journey of a lifetime.

What a sad post, reading that you are worrying about being able to afford this and that , and you won’t be able to do one thing and another, and the most sad 5hing is that your other half is contemplating a termination of a child that you planned to have .
The life you have created between you will trump every worry, misgiving or nice house you could ever dream of.
In my experience of 2 children , they are a complete joy, you will nurture them , teach them , watch them grow.
If you do go through with the birth, you will look back at your post and see how sad it really was .you both have immense joy coming into your lives , enjoy it
Just to add , I don’t mean you are sad as people , the post made me sad reading it