I have tasered a child.

I saved a hamster that was on a railway, other than that completely talentless.

other than that completely talentless.

In which case, step away from the harmonica. I have a taser.

I have been socially distancing for the past 12 years

I was once the 5th best junior archer in the UK.

I once urinated next to Sven Goran Erikkson in the Lowrey the night before he was announced as the new Man City manager.

Once got pissed with Scott Fitzgerald (runner up by a single point to Celine Dion in Eurovsion in 1988) on a ferry to Bergen. He was still very angry at $%&£ing Celine Dion robbing him of victory and the fame it would have brought, instead being the entertainment on a third-rate ferry from Newcastle to Norway.

No longer true, but for years my ‘claim to fame’ was that I’d taken off in an aeroplane but never landed in one.

I have the dubious honour of having one of the fictional diseases in Theme Hospital named after me.

I have piloted a helicopter.

I’ve appeared on stage with Bill “Compo off of Last of the Summer Wine” Owen.

I’ve played over 70 escape rooms, and have been a prominent NPC in the Escape This Podcast podcast (which is ace and you should go listen to it).

I once tried to ride all 7 Staines in a day. I failed, only managed five before we ran out of light. A faster tear-down of the tent and a more optimum route between them (or, y’know, bike lights) and we’d probably have done it. Jenn was our driver, legend that she was. Great day, that.

I’ve been D-I-S-M-I-S-S-ed from the room by Treguard (Hugo Myatt).

Fourth Doctor Tom Baker once asked me if I’d like a Jelly Baby.

A friend and I once tried to ditch a random girl in a pub who’d latched onto us (god knows why) by spinning an increasingly elaborate series of lies about ourselves, culminating with us being astronauts for the European Space Agency. It had the opposite effect, at the end of the night she invited us back to her place for “coffee,” we agreed so long as we could send our security team round to sweep the place and install panic buttons. She told us that was absolutely fine. We said we’d be right back, then ran for the hills.

I’m in a music video that was on music TV channels (and still on YouTube somewhere).

Which one was that? Or is it a secret now?

Oh, in other ‘minor celebrity’ news,

Last year I got really rather drunk with Steve McNeil who game geeks might remember from the TV show Go 8-Bit. Fun fact about that show, the reason all the guests were astonishingly bad at their so-called favourite games was because there was tremendous lag between the screen and the game.

I’m kind of a big deal. People know me

I’m kind of a big deal. People know me

Are you Steve McNeil from Go 8-Bit?

Oh and Jet from gladiators once put her hand on my gentleman’s area.

I took the leader of the Watergate burglars for a curry.
And I threw up in the back of Timmy Mallett’s TVR.

Oh, in other ‘minor celebrity’ news,
Last year I got really rather drunk with Steve McNeil who game geeks might remember from the TV show Go 8-Bit.

Equating him to a minor celebrity is like equating H from Steps to George Clooney 😉

Hang on, is Kilo George Clooney?

I have uplifted all the Tasers and all ready to send them to the highest bidders.

I sold some AAA batteries to the guy who sang in Dubstar or were they AA…

Oh and Jet from gladiators once put her hand on my gentleman’s area.

Just think, if you weren’t rich enough to employ a manservant it might have been you.

none of my fingers resemble a monk

I have counted the Tasers and there seems to be one missing 🤔

Are you Steve McNeil from Go 8-Bit?

I’m going to regret posting that, aren’t I.

I have uplifted all the Tasers and all ready to send them to the highest bidders.

I’ll take two.

He’s at the bloody harmonica again.

Usual address?

Around one in three homes in the UK used to watch something I made go round and round for hours every day.

I’m going to regret posting that, aren’t I

Why yes, yes you are.

Usual address?

Yep. Be sure to write “This package does not contain TASERs” on it.

That’ll fool the po-po.

I’m in a music video that was on music TV channels (and still on YouTube somewhere).

Which one was that? Or is it a secret now?

I share my birthday with Kate Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger :o)

I work with an Oscar winner

I work with an Oscar winner

Is it Steve McNeil off of Go 8-Bit?

Oh and Jet from gladiators once put her hand on my gentleman’s area.

The old hiding inside the vending machine trick. She falls for it every time

I jumped off a cliff because someone told me to.

Aged 9 I unscrewed and stuck my finger in a light switch. Told my mum that 30 yeas later and she was horrified!

I drove through a bush fire to get to a beach rave.

I jumped in to the American embassy’s back garden with no plan on how to get out. I realized after landing I couldn’t climb out after landing.This was about 10/11.

I took the leader of the Watergate burglars for a curry.
And I threw up in the back of Timmy Mallett’s TVR.

If that was the same night, you’re our winner

I once hitch hiked from Glasgow to Portsmouth in 8 hours

+ I’m the exiled spiritual leader of Tibet

That’ll fool the po-po.

Easily done

Around one in three homes in the UK used to watch something I made go round and round for hours every day.

I’ve seen scotrouteseseses Munrobiker bagging video

Around one in three homes in the UK used to watch something I made go round and round for hours every day.

Holy shit!

Are you Windy Miller?

Hang on, is Kilo George Clooney?

More George Formby tbh

I’m not alone

I am one of many

… I am Perchy’s lovechild