It has begun. Xmas survival thread

Only been told to “**** off and cook the turkey yourself” once by Prof North when I suggested rolling it round on the worktop when prepping it wasn’t very hygienic.

She’s now dangerously wielding a knife near some veg whilst I’m now re-tidying the house in advance of the in-laws descending.

Lunch will now be two hours later than advertised.

I went back to bed to try and shake off my hangover (topped off with a moody kebab last night).
Now off to my sister’s for lunch, hoping her family isn’t acting up and the wine is ok.

I feel very conflicted at this time of year. I don’t fit in with the whole Christmas thing. Left to my own devices I’d be out in the hills on my bike or on foot mildly celebrating the solstice. However my girlfriend is a Christmas nut and my kids are stil at an age where they love it too. So I play along. It’s been a crazy but good year and I’m pretty keen to get through the next week as painlessly as possible and then crack on with my plans for 2019.

Day one done. Only the worst day to go. To be fair I like, standing beside, my BiL. He’s 6months younger than me and twice my mass. He commented about his new squeeze was he does love her even though she’s no size8.

The consumerism and copious spending is quite sickly really. I could have suggested better ways to have spent the money into actual useful items that you make use of all year.

We’ve had the tradition of everyone supplying a list of stuff you’d like to my mum for nearly 20 years now, she then tells people what to buy each other based on this and what budget you have. The rules are no more than 15 choices with a wide variety of price points to choose from but nothing more than £30/40/50 (depending on a collective agreement). You still have the excitement of not knowing what you’ll get and from who so it’s still fun. We also have a tradition that presents aren’t opened until after lunch, so usually around 6pm! It’d been like that for as long as I’ve been alive so it really doesn’t matter, even my 5 year old nephew is fine with it. Stocking presents are picked for him to have something to play with until the main event, works really well and gives a relaxed feel to the whole day.

The list thing came from one year where everyone had at least one duplicate in their pile, add in that a few of us have birthdays just before or after (the brother-in-law’s is christmas day!!) and it keeps things simple and stops anyone spending too much. This year’s limit is £30 as we’ve had a few health scares in the family the last 3 months so we’re all happy to just have each other around (apart from my uncle, he’s tolerated) rather than have expensive stuff this year.

Great time of year to be single and child free. As is every other time of the year! No expectations, no tantrums, no pressure. Day off work, do what you want, hills are quiet and peaceful. Visit relatives just in time to get fed, leave again before all the after dinner crap starts. Have a couple of drinks, watch a movie or two, doze off sprawled out on the couch just in your pants. Bliss.

For us here in Spain, Christmas Eve is the first Big One – so last night was a big meal and socialising with good friends and then we slept over so we could both drink if we wanted to. As I happens I only drank coke but it was nice to sleep away from home for a change anyway :-)

Today is a big lunch at the Farm with Ramon & Rosa, but the day isn’t as important. The next Biggy is 12 days after Christmas – Jan 6th is “Kings Day” which is huge in Spain.

So far it’s been great and we’ve enjoyed it.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Have finished sanitising the kitchen after the missus made the stuffing.

Every year she makes a savage mess using all the kitchen utensils.

Raw sausage on everything.

Kids are square eyed, everyone else is in the front room.

Making gravy, rendering the goose fat and wondering if I should open a beer or not.

My day is boxing Day, down the club for the “legends” Vs first team then to the pub to watch a dodgy connection to the Utd game.

I hate Chritmas. We turn up at in-laws with the kids expecting a family lunch and afternoon and her flipping dad has yesterday invited 2 random women that he fancies, so we’re now having to watch him flirt and her mum increasingly get wound up. Seems their grandkids aren’t worthy of dedicated family time. Thanks for listening.

…to be single and child free.

No surprise there then.

23 minutes.

Time elapsed between MiL arriving and her first informing me of her imminent toilet plan. Spending a penny this time (a piss).

Good to know these things.

She’s alright though.

Disappointing lack of Inlawageddons so far this year. Come on STW! I’m sure I remember someone not even parking outside the in-laws before leaving last year. My in-laws over. MIL already turned off the oven with the turkey in it. Merry Christmas!

Yeah, I think it was something to do with a dog and a MiL staring disapprovingly out of the window that sparked the “**** it, I’m not even going in…” It was one of the greatest STW Christmas survival posts.

Great time of year to be single and child free. As is every other time of the year! No expectations, no tantrums, no pressure. Day off work, do what you want, hills are quiet and peaceful. Visit relatives just in time to get fed, leave again before all the after dinner crap starts. Have a couple of drinks, watch a movie or two, doze off sprawled out on the couch just in your pants. Bliss.

Only got the one, but that’s the way mine’s gone so far. He’s having xmas lunch at Nana’s, so 2 hours on the bike, will meet them later for a swift half in the local and the way my ankle has swollen up it looks very much like I’ll be flat out on the sofa all evening. Niece has kindly put us on her Netflix account too. Not arsed either way about xmas but I could get used to this!

Same as Spekkie, big dinner was last night here (Pais Vasco) and we don’t bother cooking on the 25th. I’m usually doing the #festive500 so Christmas lunch is usually something sugary from a petrol station 50 odd miles away.

Bike ride early doors after ritual pressie opening. Check.

Make food we actually like (scallops on pea puree fyi) for lunch and start on the bubbly. Check.

Stick on nonsense 80s tunes (MoS CDs) on the Sonos. Check.

Chop vegetables for an hour or so while getting wellied and discussing the relative merits of King vs Dead or Alive. Check.

Get more bladdered on bubbly. Check.

Watch in amazement as the missus whips up 4 desserts. Check.

Start on the Christmas paella. Just about to check.

Christmas is ace.

I’m pissed, thats all!

No best and most WTF Christmas presents thread this year?

My sister-in-law has won both with six felt robins in an egg box, and a book with “why are the French so relaxed about infidelity?” on the back cover.

Generally it wasn’t going to badly…

Christmas morning at home with just us and our little boy then out for lunch with the outlaws which was nice. The kids were even well behaved in the pub. Went back to her parents house after and it was OK to start with. The kids wanted to play some games and it all went wrong…

The SIL is super competitive and has to do everything by the book and was flapping about no instructions for Hungry Hippos (WTF!!!) which led to some piss taking which she didn’t take well at all. She can’t laugh and herself and has since flipped her shit killing the mood / day. Just need to persuade the little guy that we’re off home now. Jesus, she’s bloody mental.

Went out on Sunday evening to watch Circus 1903 (great show btw) and came home to find out one of the wrapped presents given to us was luxury drinking chocolate powder that the Border Terrier has opened and eaten quite a bit of it. Even Patterdale was sensible enough not to eat it.

Quick Google shows that 50% cocca drinking choc is as poisonous as Novoichok for dogs and at Sonic the BT’s weight he was in deep trouble.

So off to vets, vomit induced and on IV drip. Picked “Choocy Boy” up today. £800 and a near miss for Sonic.

All good in the end.

Full breakfast followed by present opening. Went for a ride on Jnrs new Whyte 403 (thats a shit load of bike for the money isnt it?) .

Got home and helped peeling the sprouts during which the booze opened itself. After a successful christmas dinner, several bottles of wine and im struggling to stay awake while Battlefield 5 does its 12gb thing.

Stuffed and content, a good day.

In laws have left. Stressy day of snide comments and passive aggressive digs.

Christ I love Boxing Day when it’s just us four after an early morning bike ride.

45 miles on the road early doors then up to mums to collect her and bro and taxi them to Croydon.
Nice lunch and std xmas quiz with the powerkite twins. They won, but only as 1 round had name these 12 obscure flags, I mean who really kows the flags to Germany , Austria , Czech republic, Iceland , pakistan and Brazil?
Then prsent opening , coffee and Cake and home via Mums to taxi them home. Amazingly stress free , even the M25 was allowing extended periods of 90mph .

So plans of doing boxing day 10 tt given up to go for a walk with all family and dogs. SIL has decided walking is too much like hard work now its too late to do TT.

I mean who really kows the flags to Germany , Austria , Czech republic, Iceland , pakistan and Brazil?

That’s not obscure! When you’re agonising over Namibia vs Central African Republic, that’s getting tougher.

Nice quiet CD yesterday. Bit of smoked salmon and scrambled egg, massive steak for tea, too much fruit cake leading to poisonous farts all night.

Christmas entertaining starts today. Mother is in transit, the hoover is going, leg of lamb has been lavished with unhealthy shit.

90mph on the M25? so that’ll be a NIP or two in the new year then ;-)

Got the MIL with us. Two years ago she was uninvited on Christmas eve, phoned her on her journey from Oxford to Scotland and told her to turn around, this years was always going to be a strain. I have a few things to get on my chest.

– She is racist, obviously. Did you know that black people like to eat turkey feet? She actually said that.
– I do not need a commentary on every aspect of her body, from aching feet to the need to go to toilet (frequently), to an itchy nose to gurgling tummy.
– She has very mild Parkinsons which she has embraced and wears like a badge of honour. It prevents her from undertaking any form of physical exercise, prevents her from washing up, putting anything in the dishwasher or making any effort at all to help with anything.
– She is obsessed with temperatures and weather but always talks about it being extreme. A slight frost on Christmas eve and she described it as perishing cold
Her mother (my wifes grandmother) died 4 years ago but she talks about her in every single conversation.
– She is a leave voter.
– She smells of cabbages.

Right second Xmas dinner nailed, this time for 14!

Now I can get drunk

Survived 😎

Only had one issue with my uncle trying to blame everything on immigrants but he was shot down by my 5 year old nephew. Went like this:

Location: my parents house in Wales, a mile away from my uncle’s house.
“Mummy, what’s an immigrant?”
“Well it’s a person who was born in one country but decided to go and live in a different one.
“Uncle Graham where were you born?”
“England, in Gloucester.”
“So you’re an immigrant then?”

I would have heard the pins dropping but I was far too busy trying not to choke on the twiglets I was happily munching away on. Didn’t have a problem after that!

Just left my parents after helping them clean up and let them relax. Seeing as they’ve both had major surgery in the last 2 months they’ve been amazing. Much better Christmas than I was fearing.

I’m working my way through a cask strength Arran. Current sit rep is I have my mother who is a non filtered pass agrresive nightmare, she is presently arguing with great auntie M over an article in the Daily Mail. About immigrants. Grandad is ignoring it all through an alcoholic haze in the corner.My wife is feigning sleep upstairs with my daughter while WhatsApping me amusing messages. Gran is trying to work t f out what is going on but is a bit slow. My mum just asked me for a lift home in the AM, and suggested 6:30am! Honestly. Xmas. WTAF.

It’s been a tough one so far. Seeing parents age is hard. My mum is constantly on at my dad because she’s limited by being post operative (but refuses to cut down on doing things). I can’t decide how much of his failure to follow her instructions is because they are unclear, sometimes crackers or because he doesn’t get them because of his dementia. Some times he seems absolutely fine, others have caused me real despair. She is almost permanently grumpy and occasionally screaming.

On the upside, there is a cracking bike shop in town. I brought my shonkiest cx bike here and they have now replaced the chain, cassette and brakes. They have also got me drunk three times and I don’t feel quite so foreign and disconnected.

There’s fantastic riding here, the forest is amazing beautiful and snowy once you go uphill. About 2 hours of gravel riding sorts me out. One more day and I head home…

Brilliant, I’ve now got a septuagenarian refusing to be able to get on a prebooked train 5 mins from her house , at a specific time to a specific destination and instead I should drive for a 11 hour round trip to pick her up, to take her on a holiday I have paid for that I don’t want to go on. Give me strength.

2 children and 2 adults in a double bed due to outlaws and their offspring staying with us. child 2 has just vomitted serious chunder over the whole bed including her sleeping brother. joy to the world, i need to turn the matress

i need to turn the matress

You spelt burn wrong.

Wife’s Dad was in and out of hospital Christmas Eve following some reaction to a cancer treatment operation. He’s a lovely guy who has all the time in the world for his family, he managed to make the meal Christmas Eve and then when he saw what I was cooking Christmas day decided it was worth hanging round for (it was and there was plenty). So two days of well cooked food, good wine and beer and all at my sister in law’s big house so there was space for everyone too. Then over to see my Mum with other family this afternoon, finally back home tonight, looking forward to my own bed!

The flag quote was irony
M25 Surrey section is Gatso free AFAIK< plus I was following a guy in pimped RR , so any Gatso flash would have given me 3 secs or so to drop my speed .- however , what I forgot about was the newer HAWCS cameras which are pole mounted by the side of the hard shoulder, and I don’t know if they flash-flash or not

Well just submitted my delay comp form for the last train home, finally got a seat after the first hour. The hangover caused by catching up with a Tassie mate in London after genuinely not spotting that no trains run on Boxing day was not helping the cause today.
But back home and last present opened which is something a bit interesting from Laphroaic with a couple of glasses.
Food and milk acquired, door locked and that is me done until tomorrow.

I tolerated (badly) family Xmas warfare for donkeys years mainly for my wife’s sake. Hearing her and her father having a full blown row over sprout cooking times was minor compared to some of the shit we tolerated. By 2011 I finally decided enough was enough, how far could we go to get away from these people? We spent 3 blissful weeks in NZ! That was before grandkids admittedly but ever since we’ve done Xmas on our terms, such a relief!

I get quite perverse pleasure out of reading this thread every year thinking been there done that! 😉

Rocked up at the in-laws Christmas day with a cheery “happy Christmas Mum” from my wife.
Very first thing barked back before even a mention of happy Christmas was “your legs look too thin” followed up by “and you’ve got all that horrible stuff on them”. This was expertly finished off with “and you look gaunt, and your eyes are sunken and black”.
To cut a long story short, in February, Mrs Squad decided she was putting on a bit too much timber so promptly gave up sugar in her diet and exercised every day. She’s now lost three and a half stone and looks bloody amazing! She has never worn fake tan on her legs. Her mum is just horrible and puts her down at every opportunity. Of course I couldn’t say anything (or Christmas armageddon would have ensued) and Mrs Squad just disappeared into the utility room and burst into tears.
MIL didn’t even acknowledge she’d said anything out of order and certainly didn’t apologise.
I hate going round there with a passion but she’d miss seeing the rest of her family if we didn’t.
If you get on with your in-laws then treasure that, because I’d happily never see mine again.

The key is to leave before the boardgames come out.