Divorcing a problem drinker

Not in doubt for the OP’s wife, but if anyone else is curious/could do with a nudge, this is the standard use/abuse questionnaire: https://www.uptodate.com/contents/calculator-alcohol-consumption-screening-audit-questionnaire-in-adults-patient-education

And good luck, dj.

I think that defines someone drinking 20 pints a week more accurately than calling them an alcoholic.

I think people can self destruct through drink even though they have a relatively low average intake. It’s their behaviour when they do drink, their behaviour around obtaining it, or hiding it, dropping the family to go drinking, turning up after they’ve been drinking and dishing out abuse, or whatever. A big old period of drinking nothing doesn’t matter very much if the first thing they do after sinking a bottle of scotch is to start dishing out bruises to their spouse.

Good luck.
One thing to input is that alcoholics are still alcoholics when sober. I’ve seen the impact on kids who grow up with a dependent mum/dad.
All the love you give won’t change the disorder and the want for booze.only they can do it

I watched my mother die jaundiced a sickening yellow colour, unable to remember who I was, lying in her own shit in a hospital bed, wiping it over herself.

Thanks, alcohol.

Not the most dignified way to check out from planet life and not the best, lasting memory for her son to carry around.

Now, key question: do I like a drink or two?

I have just gone through this – worst period of my life. Happy if you want to message me about it.

First and most important thing. There is nothing YOU can do to help her, only she can quit drinking and no matter what you do it will always be down to her. It will almost kill you to try to get her to stop.

Get in touch with your local Al-Anon group, that is an offshoot of AA for people who have been affected by others drinking https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ there are groups pretty much anywhere that has an AA meeting. Another place is various private facebook groups for Partners of Alcoholics.

How old are your children? Mine were young enough that I got in touch with Barnados as they have various schemes for helping children of addicts (drink or drugs.) Also you can call Social Services as they were a great help for me in backing me up and getting the support I needed as well as providing her help and trying to get her sober.

Most importantly, you need to keep yourself and the children healthy and safe and if your wife is willing to admit she has a problem there is help available for all of you. If she is unwilling to admit there is any issue then you’ll have to continue down the solicitor route – and document document document everything. Record calls, take photos, take notes, keep a diary. Alcoholics will do ANYTHING they can to protect themselves to making up total lies – I’ve been accused of abusing the children, been accused of beating her, been accused of stalking, gaslighting, domestic abuse, she tried to persuade Social Services that I was losing my mind, but it was really her entering my house and moving stuff about! – everything you can think of that she could throw to try to make me look bad to protect herself (none of it true by the way!)

She’s now apparently sober (but I don’t believe that for a second,) and she has managed to persuade Social Services that she is sober and much as I fought it we now have joint custody of the kids. I know it’s only a matter of time before the drink takes her again and I hope it doesn’t hurt the kids too much.

As I said before, happy to talk about this as unfortunately reading your original message it could have been written myself a couple of years ago.

K

…

Best of luck with whatever you decide OP. I’m the son of two alcoholics. One of whom sought help and the other who didn’t. Wasn’t a recipe for a great childhood to be honest. Don’t have much contact with my mother, although I’m on speaking/friendly terms with her, and none at all with my father for around fifteen years.

Your wife needs professional intervention and help. You need to quit the drink and concentrate all your energies in to the kids. Alcoholism is an utter **** and has negative effects on not only the lives of the drinkers but everyone who is a part of their lives. I still suffer with mental health issue to this day from things I witnessed or was subjected to as a kid. You want to stop that from happening to your kids

Thinking if you divorced and kept family home that she would be payimg a pretty hefty whack of maintenance
If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were doimg 100 units a week and she booted ypu out, the court would award maintenance from you to her

Does she drive to work?
On that level of intake there is every chance she is over the drink drive limit most mornings. Which is not acceptable in any way. Unfortunately a dd ban probably would not stop her drinking until she kills someone and gets a custodial sentence, that ought do it.
Hope it works out for you

On that level of intake there is every chance she is over the drink drive limit most mornings.

100 units in 168 hours, and a chronic alcoholic means they surprisingly may not be – at least not every day. High functioning alcoholics, however, have a tolerance to the effects that can simply stagger belief. In a student study we infused students to similar blood levels and all they could do was sleep. The alcoholics were pretty unphased.

To the OP, I have no experience personally, but know that trauma in childhood is long lasting. Your children have asked you to help them. That’s hugely significant. I wish you the very best and I am sure you’ll rise to the
Occasion.

Sorry to hear this OP , Your wife is basically my mum. I knew this as a wee boy , irrational over the top behaviour at their friends parties. Coming home and my dad was in his bed and my mum talking pish and falling about the place , weirdly it wasn’t until about 15 years ago she addressed the situation and she must have late 50’s at the time . She tried everything including hypnotherapy (She was told to visualise an empty house after losing everything). Anyhoo she dosen’t drink anymore but it has left its toll. I think it has brought on early dementia , my dad told me the last straw was seeing her drive her grandkids about after tanning vodka disguised by fruity water. I must say I’m proud of her for sorting herself.
Sadly the apple dosen’t fall far from the tree and My big Brother died at 48 from bad living . By this I mean basically from about 16 he had kicked the arse out of every substance known to man but ultimately in his last few years bad eating , no exercise , fags , hash ,coke and an enormous amount of red wine and stella finished him.
A grim story I know but I spose my point is in my mums case she sorted herself out knowing that she would lose it all if she didn’t. My brother on the other hand had nothing to lose and so there by nothing to gain by fixing himself.
Best of luck I hope things go well.

I have just gone through this

Wow, thanks for sharing.

As an update I have asked my wife to agree to my proposed mediator by the end of the week to kick things into play. No going back for me now..

Well done DJ

As an update I have asked my wife to agree to my proposed mediator by the end of the week to kick things into play. No going back for me now..

Make it clear to her that there is a way back ( assuming you want that) if and only if she stops drinking and that you will support her in that but you have to do this to protect the kids.

Oh – and good luck. this is a nasty path you are on with no good answers.

Good luck. Be prepared for some bad times coming, but it will be worth it in the end – and hopefully she will get better.

It is the unfortunate truth that often with alcoholics that they must hit their own rock bottom before they can get better and they will try to drag you down with them. I look back and try to work out what I could have done differently, but I really can’t see how I could have changed anything apart from not letting it affect me so much and trying to fix the problem.

Good luck again. Keep yourself and your kids safe.

K

Reading with interest as a mate is going through this at the moment. Thanks for all those sharing experiences which is helping my understanding of what he’s going through.

And best wishes to the OP.

UPDATE

51 weeks after starting the process I have my decree absolute, my own place and for now.. primary carer of our kids.

It was a real tough journey, to say she took it badly was an understatement!

– She befriended my mum and sister and I was accused of coercive control
– She took more capital that I thought fair
– She constantly forced last minute changes on me relating to the kids
– although she mostly gave up the drink, we insisted none in house,there were a handful of occasions where she had clearly relapsed, which resulted in a few very damaging episodes with the kids
– Even now she is saying if I can get them to behave like little angels for her I can become a full time single dad
– The kids have been amazing resilient but wish I could have concluded a move quicker.

Glad to be out of her grasp and having a fresh start 😳

Dammit, that is such good news to hear! Really, really glad to hear that you have the DA and the shitty, legal part of the whole thing done.

The similarities between my divorce and yours are, with the exception of kids part, strong. Well, apart from my ex not even bothering to stop drinking. She too took far more capital than was fair, but as I had assets and she only had debt, she could control the narrative in the mediation.

Just keep saying to yourself that that part of your life is now over. You have your sanity back, you have your kids and your own place. It’s a new chapter for you.

I missed this first time around, congrats on getting through it!

My so-called mother finally pickled herself and we buried her a couple of weeks ago. I’m so glad your kids are away from all the toxicity that comes from having someone in that state in their lives.

Wishing you and the kids all the best.

great news!

Well done for getting through it.

onwards and upwards!

Great news OP. Hope you and your children can get on with the rest of your lives.

I also wish all the best to your ex that she can conquer her alcoholism but from your posts it doesn’t sound like she wants to stop drinking. Real shame.

From a mate who recently (a few months) started with AA:

There’s a post on single track about a bloke leaving his wife cos she’s an alcoholic. Please can you post on my behalf and tell him to strongly suggest she goes to one AA meeting. She probably doesn’t accept that she’s an alcy and shouting and demanding from her won’t help. She’ll realise within a minute of her first meeting she’s got a serious problem.

He is sober for months, and is much less of a **** now. It’s working for him and he was the last person I thought would go or give up drinking but he has.
Mate you’re awesome, I’m really proud of you.

I suppose it depends if you still love her or not. Don’t get any sense you do from your posts.

Don’t get any sense you do from your posts.
Especially the one that say they are divorced, yeah?!

Read the first couple of pages before i posted. Congratulations to the OP.

Out of curiosity, would someone (female) shifting a 1.5 litre box of wine and ~half a bottle of gin on their own over 3 nights be considered a lot? A friend seems to be shifting about that much most weekends.

I don’t drink and haven’t for a number of years (violent and abusive alcoholic brother put me right off) so I don’t really know much about it.

– The kids have been amazing resilient but wish I could have concluded a move quicker.

your kids sound like they (and you as well) are in a happier place – well done OP

That’s about 36 units of alcohol. IIRC the recommended limit is 14 per week for women.

If this person is 24 years old, clubbing with their friends every weekend, then it’s quite a lot but doesn’t necessarily point to problem territory IMO. Many of us have been through that phase.

If they’re 44 and are spending the weekend knocking back G&T and wine on the sofa watching Love Island then yeah I’d be a bit concerned. Not just for the consumption alone – it could point to depression, or other personal issues that are causing them to want to escape.