Corporate bollocks that you have spouted

Today I managed “this could result in a loss of granularity of the data and consequently our ability to identify actionable emergent trends.”

BINGO!

I envy you, I really do. I am completely incapable of spouting such drivel.

The worst of it Dez, is that when you can do it – you recognise others doing it. It becomes very hard not to get angry and go into Jeremy Paxman mode during meetings.

I need an outdoors job. Horticulture or something. Maybe that won’t feel so dirty.

Anyway, time to go and step in the diphoterine emergency shower.

A customer told me that his customers order was ‘in flight’

I could see myself throwing myself off a building as I responded ‘Ok, let me know when it lands’

Was it air mail?

Sadly no

A customer told me that his customers order was ‘in flight’

Halfway down the stairs?

I’m going forward with an integrated cloud solution, in parallel I’m pushing forward with several digital twins.

To be fair it’s no more bs than engineering speak

I used “Robust response to a single event” this morning. It’s not so bad that it doesn’t actually make sense. But what I actually meant was “I’m going to tell them to **** off, as this is unlikely to be what they think it is, we have better outcomes than all the local hospitals, and I’m not being drawn into their idiotically pointless politics”

Ask him next time something is delayed, using some nautical themes, eg whether the customers order has been “lost with all hands”. or keeping with his aeronautical theme why his KPIs have entered an “<i>uncontrolled 500mph vertical dive”</i>

<i></i>See how long it takes for him to catch on.

Corporate speak is everywhere, just listen to a flight attendant spouting drivel like “we will shortly be arriving into Manchester….”  and  “all mobile devices should turned off at this time….”

Let me give you my elevator pitch. We don’t go after the low hanging fruit or a quick and dirty offering, we break through clutter to leverage a class leading, customer centric solution to your fulfilment issues, we will calibrate your expectations to ensure you no longer expect par for the course. We’re not trying to boil the ocean here, it is what it is, but what we do is offer a paradigm shift that is a real value add money maker, this is mission critical work and we want to offer synergy between the client piece and the best in breed offering that you have. In truth this is thought leadership that means you’re not herding cats as you bayonet the dead. Let’s have a V2V and I can explain the high order thinking that is really me just doing my job.

Not mine, but truly beautiful.

I asked for some “customer-centric branding” today, it was perfectly reasonable in context but by gosh i felt dirty.

Not me but heard this the other week…

We are currently on approach to…. Harrogate station.

Very proud to say I have not been the sort of womble that spouts corporate drivel.

At a first meeting with the new Uber Boss,  one down from the Vice President of our org ( revenue of €1.5B a year ).

Him: What issues exist in your area that I should be aware of ?

Cranberry: Well, the software that we make our customers use is crap.

The software is getting fixed. :-)

At a first meeting with the new Uber Boss,  one down from the Vice President of our org ( revenue of €1.5B a year ).

lol no corp speak but got the revenue figure in, nice

Cranberry, that kind of honest can work really well or, if you work for a company with the wrong sort of senior people, can get you well and truly in the firing line.

I’ve not had to leverage any organic synergies yet in my new job, but the old job saw me doing more spinning than an 80’s hip hop master on a waltzer.

I asked for some “customer-centric branding” today, it was perfectly reasonable in context but by gosh i felt dirty.

Resign from the STW forum immediately and head off to be a monk in the woods while birching yourself for the next 10 years….

I’m not normally very good at that stuff but I did once manage to drop “articulate the end game” into a presentation I was giving.

 We don’t go after the low hanging fruit or a quick and dirty offering,

TBH though what easy quick phrase would you replace both of those with? It actually makes perfect sense as to what it is describing.

Thanks scutler :D

Do you have similar for “Heads Up”? and other such yankwank

and why does everyone now “Take a look”? It’s HAVE a look.

We had training on ‘clarity’ for reporting by some guy from London who delivers training on reporting all over the world.

Basically, he said get rid of all the corporate BS – only use where appropriate – e.g. a business specific acronym. The really funny thing is we pulled our Board reports to pieces as part of the exercise – full of corporate crap, that could be said in about half a page rather than 10.

one down from the Vice President

If you work for some yanks, one down from the Vice President of the company is usually the bloke that cleans the bogs (except the bog cleaning is outsourced as part of a transformation to realign corporate strategy).

I’ve used “going forward” on more than one occasion.  Every time, I wince inside.  Problem is, hear this bobbins so often that it sticks and you can’t help it.

I heard a project coordinator referring to an engineer being on-site as “air-side” the other day.  I was about ready to drive down to Birmingham to beat him to death when I realised they were talking about an airport and air-side actually means something (it’s the other side of security).

I regularly ‘conceptualise’ things, and discuss this at great length.

I’m a designer. Some customers would be disappointed if I didn’t spout utter bollocks. It goes with the territory. Like fixing them with a look of withering contempt and telling them they’re wrong. They love it! 😃

I’ve spent a lot of my career working with people like this. Everything’s relative, so anything I say tends to pale into insignificance

that kind of honest can work really well

Honestly?

i just had a similar situation

the reference data is sh1te

aka all our data and IT is W***

ps. we lost the ability to spot trends years ago

Nevermind corporate BS try Police BS: sat in a meeting where someone “determined” that the “commensurate nomenclature would be deployed” – this was in relation to numbered signs on coaches transporting football fans to a game. IKYN! The fact that this happens each and every time a game takes place at that stadium means the quickest answer to the question asked was a simple “yes”.

and why does everyone now “Take a look”? It’s HAVE a look.

one is a synonym of the other, they’re both perfectly fine English

Dont do it to me cos I will get arrested and you will be in hospital

Run it up the flagpole, see if it flaps 😂

Not mine, but my company described itself as ‘offering a range of products and services to a range of customers’.

A sort of from me…

Some years ago, my employer at the time brought in a new CEO who was, without a shadow of a doubt, a weapons grade fin de cloche. Said individual then brought in some of his ‘people’ to work with us. (Disrupting and ultimately disbanding a very succesful team by doing so, I might add).

One of the berks parachuted in to my bit of the business at the same level as me tried to position himself as the boss of my boss. Didn’t go well. However, we (all British) noticed that he (Merkin) would parrot anything that anyone said when he thought they were saying clever things.

So, taking our cues from Edmund Blackadder, we began to use such contrafibularities as interfrastically and compunctuous.

It was with great delight that we stood at the back of a crowded room and listened to him use our neologisms in his presentation.

Jeez Rayban… some day’s I feel like I do nothing BUT spout corporate drivel but the last time I told a customer that they were losing granularity of their data and compromising their ability to predict and prevent a F**ing big F**-up… I meant every word of it…

That was to an engineer … I had to then reword this appropriately to explain to management!

The next BA that refers to information and or documents as collateral is getting a hoof in the slats.

http://www.plainenglish.co.uk/gobbledygook-generator.html

In my job, I have to keep anything technical ‘out of it’, so I stick to simple English – I’m an accountant talking to very clever Academics – so it’s ‘you’ve got x still to spend, you’ve spent too much, etc’.  They don’t understand accountancy.

It’s not big and it’s not clever to use twaddle – say it how it is. It doesn’t sound impressive but people say ‘thanks for that, I understand’.

Saying depreciation, deferrals and accruals to an accountant is easy, just don’t say that to someone else – lights off, they don’t listen.

At least an employee of Über might have a legitimate reason for using word “journey” in its correct context!