Christmas black dog survival thread

This year i put some thought into why i really dont like this time of year, and especially xmas.
Limited daylight hours, its cold and rains alot.
My family are more like random acquaintances i bump into every 12 months.
I know they aren’t, but everyone else appears to be loving life and enjoying themselves
I cant get into my mind the joy of a pretend perfect Xmas. So much consumerism and waste and over indulgence.then there’s the present buying….
Its cold and its raining.
I feel like a massive failure in front of my immediate family. No wife, no kids, no g/f. Just 1 typically ruinous affair 25 years ago. And nothing since. No big house , audi estate, cat and dog, no career prospects, no ambition, no plans, handful of friends,
Its dark and its raining.
Summer seems light years away,skiing always got me through but my ski buddy died.
Solo holidays are tricky or spendy.
Road driving standards drop as everyone
e is rushing to secure that last bag of sprouts or grab some ribbon or tat that has a 5 seconds attention span then is binned.
Its gone dark and foggy.
The trails are a mudbath and in bike destruction mode. Windsurfing is off the menu as it becomes a survival test and is not pleasant at all. It will take 4 months for the sea to be warm again. My flat is cold, i sleep in a hat, heating is getting expensive.
Covid isnt helping
I have spent over £100 buying stuff that people dont need or want because of some stupid traditions that hold no sense and it will be the same next year
Pointless

A lot of what you’ve typed rings bells here STM.

The majority of my younger Christmases were spent with my folks arguing and a horrible atmosphere,
I was mid-20’ish when I went to an ex-GF’s for Christmas one year and saw that getting gently bladdered on xmas day could actually be a jovial, pleasant activity, blew my mind that families did that.
At 42 the vast majority of my adult ones have been on my own, my folks have re-married and live the other end of the country, they’re very much in the ‘its just another day’ club so I dont really fancy driving 5hrs for that experience, I will call them on the day though. I know there’s the folks who love having the day to themselves to do anything they want, but after 364 days of doing everything on your own, all the time, another one aint really something to look forward to, tbh I’d just love to wake up next to someone, get a hug, and they’d say ‘sometimes your a bit of a d$£k, but your not a total d$£k’, then just have a relaxed day together, that’d be more than enough. When you’re in your late 20’s / 30’s you think it won’t always be like this, but now plodding into my 40’s I’m thinking what if it is!!!

The cooking for one – solo Christmas shop also puts the fear of god into me, I did walk into Aldi one year, started filling the trolley then couldnt do it, just walked out leaving the trolley where it was and drove home.

So, how to stay positive, I’d usually go for a 50 mile ride or so on the road but I havnt ridden enough this year to be out for more than an hour, tbh my house needs some work, I’ve bought two tubs of emulsion and some sandpaper – the stairs and hallway are getting sorted xmas day now they’re plastered, if nothing else I’ll have achieved something and be able to put a positive spin on the day.

Is there anyway you can give yourself something to tick off? Even if it’s a tiny job or thing you’ve been putting off for ages? Might be a daft idea I know.

STM, any chance you could get together with one of your friends for the day? Or how about volunteering at one of the christmas shelters? Sorry if they sound like daft ideas…

My family are more like random acquaintances i bump into every 12 months.
…
I feel like a massive failure in front of my immediate family.

I’d respectfully suggest that these two statements are at odds. Why do you crave validation from people you consider random acquaintances?

Either they are, in which case bollocks to them and stop doing this merry dance; or they aren’t, in which case please stop beating yourself up about it.

Family is a funny thing. I have next to none so I’m perhaps a little jaded, but ultimately friends choose each other and family does not, and thus I fail to see any sort of embedded responsibility to ‘perform’ because someone once had a shag 40 years ago. I spend time with people I actually like and my life is immeasurably better for it.

Thanks all for your posts

I was feeling relatively ok this Christmas, well apart from not feeling Christmassy at all. However I’m just sat in my Nans cold, dark, empty house before my 19:00 appointment to see her in the nursing home she’s in. It’s going to be tough seeing her, always is, but I know I won’t be able to hide my tears this time

Feel for you, Houns. I hope she could see how much she is loved.

Hope it went OK Houns

Just seen this thread. Well done Houns. It’s good for all to see there are options in contacting people. Hats off to Cougar et al for offering an ear as well.
Hope the visit to your Nan went ok.

As someone who experiences anxiety and depression, I would like to wish all those suffering with the black dog a peaceful and tranquil mind.

I’m rooting for all of us. Take care guys.

Thanks all (sorry not trying to make this thread all about me, however…..)

Now steeling myself for the hubbub that’s to come by drinking whisky (it’s Christmas, been on it since 11am) and watching Jimmy Carr’s new show on Netflix

I have spent over £100 buying stuff that people dont need or want because of some stupid traditions that hold no sense and it will be the same next year

Remove yourself from the cycle… It’s liberating! Honestly, I can’t stress this enough. Don’t let other people impose their fun or expectations on you, it’s unfair of them and it’s unfair of you on your mental health!

I’ve struggled with Christmas for 10yrs or more now, find it a horrendous experience in general and will do whatever I can to avoid everyone else’s expectations. The flip side now is that I have a steady GF, 2 teenage step children and a dog who all love Christmas, so we have to compromise. First couple of years together my GF really didn’t understand my anxiety about Christmas, and tried to force her merriment on me as if it would be infectious. Rows ensued! Last year was a bit better as I just headed out on a bike ride on my own whilst they did their Xmas stuff, and I came home, showered and we had decent food (the bit I like) and chilled out with wine and shit TV.

This year, given an opportunity, I took a pre-emotive strike. A friend posted on facebook that her Holiday let cottage in Snowdonia had a last minute cancellation over Christmas due to COVID, so I snapped it up. We’ve all come up here, done a bit of walking, stayed the hell away from our families (by far and away the worst bit about Christmas, both are raging Tory/Brexiteers and like to force their views of life onto others). Settling down to eat a nice dinner now after another walk with the Dog, then once they’ve gone to bed I’ll stay up for a few hours to watch the Boxing Day Test Match live (which will probably only depress me, but hey ho!)… My old walking boots fell apart today sadly, was thinking of treating myself to a new pair soon anyway, so might be a trip into Betws-y-Coed tomorrow to go and buy some so can get another walk or two in before we have to head back Monday afternoon.

Mboy I wish I could remove myself from it. I reckon we have spent £2500+ on presents this year. I so wish we could take this money and spend on a family ski holiday away from my awful mother-in-law who I hate. In fact we all hate.

I do suffer a lot in the bad weather mentally, dragging myself out on the road or muddy mtb rides are my only respite. Christmas just puts the icing on cake

Don’t compare yourself with other people. Walk your own path.
I’ve been single for a long time; I have a small house, live on my own, a few friends, but I’m quite happy not to be caught up on the comparison treatmill.
Whether my wider family and friends think I’m weird, well they probably do, but I don’t really care, I just use the xmas period to catch up on reading books and not being stressed due to work. I see them for xmas lunch, make some jokes, disperse some giftcards, then exit.

Mboy I wish I could remove myself from it.

It really is very simple… You just have to prioritise your own mental well-being over and above your perceived notion of “letting the family down”…

Be the black sheep… It is actually incredibly liberating not allowing yourself to succumb to the same societal pressures as everyone else. Those who actually care about you won’t want you to suffer, so explain your mental anxiety over Christmas to them… And if they don’t get it, then you definitely don’t want to be around people like that at this time of year anyway! You will thank yourself in the long run if you really hate Christmas as much as I do!

2.5k on presents……Jeez!!!!!
Please say that you can afford that and it’s not on the CC?
Not my business I know but if that expense is causing stress then it’s not worth it I say.
This year we chose to stay at home on our own due to health reasons, I have to say it was actually ok, nice ish food and relaxed.

Hope everyone got through the day ok.

Follow this thread every year and relate to a lot of it but this has really struck a chord with me:

I know they aren’t, but everyone else appears to be loving life and enjoying themselves
I cant get into my mind the joy of a pretend perfect Xmas. So much consumerism and waste and over indulgence.then there’s the present buying….
Its cold and its raining.
I feel like a massive failure in front of my immediate family. No wife, no kids, no g/f. Just 1 typically ruinous affair 25 years ago. And nothing since. No big house , audi estate, cat and dog, no career prospects, no ambition, no plans, handful of friends,
Its dark and its raining.

I suffer immensely from Imposter Syndrome, even with family and my closest friends. A legacy of a lifetime of bullying, I’ve never known a time where someone hasn’t been targeting me for some reason. It means I see everyone else having a great life (even when I know they’re having difficulties) and doing so much better than me. It doesn’t help that in trying to better my lot I got into serious debt when I was younger and then had to spend the next decade digging myself back out of that hole. That time was when everyone else I knew was settling down, buying property and starting families. By the time I was back to net zero I was a generation behind. I don’t want kids but the life partner, own home, pets and security would be very welcome indeed. I’ve never really recovered from a string of 3 relationships in my 20’s that destroyed my confidence and faith in finding someone, one even destroyed my work life and sent me down a destructive path that took years to amend. The pandemic has even managed to completely destroy everything that I had built up. New career gone, savings obliterated, exposed people who I thought were friends as nothing of the sort, destroyed my confidence, taken my health and fitness and the chaos in the housing market has put any dreams of owning my own place or even just moving out of the city completely out of reach. The lockdowns of last winter even managed to completely disrupt my plans for forging a new career by blocking my access to training and then polarising the jobs market against new entrants despite massive headlines in the press.

All through my life I’ve had severe lows and each time I thought they couldn’t go any lower but the last 4 years has just been low after low after low, kind of like falling down an endless staircase. You think things are getting better for a second but you quickly realise you’re just temporarily bouncing off one step ready to fall towards the next one. Having recently turned 40 I should be at the point where I’m settled in a career, financially on a good footing, standing on the property ladder and building a future with someone but instead I’m no further along than I was when I turned 18. It’s far too easy to view those 22 years as completely wasted.

As for the whole Christmas thing, I hate it. It just acts as a reminder of what I don’t have, not helped by the run-up being spoiled after working 7 years in retail. The whole forced jolliness, consumer excess, drunkenness and gluttony is just loathsome to me. I enjoy the actual day usually, but only if it’s a quiet one with close family which I actually had today. No expensive presents, decent but sensible amount of food and just chilled company. The irony being that it has just highlighted what I don’t have and has really hit me hard as I drove home. The killer is that it’s my birthday in a few days and that has always been a complete let-down as everyone is focussed on Christmas just before and New Year in a few days. Everyone else seems to get a special day for themselves somewhere in the decent bit of the year, I get 11 3/4 months of nothing.

Normally I’m now looking forward to beasting myself through January and February out on the bikes, ploughing through the mud and slop and making sure I’m fighting fit to hit the spring at full-chat – my favourite times of year are spring and autumn – but this last year has destroyed my desire to get out on the bikes and thus my fitness is probably the worst it’s ever been in my life. I’ve also got to dedicate a lot of energy into finding permanent work so riding time will be severely restricted, a far cry from my 4 day working week with cycle commute and at minimum 2 days on the bike on the trails I had for the 10 years before 2020.

The Black Dog is very strong this year, is sitting on top of me and has just taken a big dump. There is a way out, there always is, but sometimes you wonder if it’s worth the effort of looking for it.

I survived!

My personal circumstances are difficult this year to say the least.  I have never been a huge christmas fan since I was a kid and have worked most christmas days allowing me to escape the family christmas.  I made it clear that despite retiring I would not be joining them this year.

So I hired a car, got up at sparrowfart and drove up into the highlands to ride my bike.  Went to a pals house in the evening for some leftovers and then on to my parents on boxing day.

Its much easier to say than do but do not get caught up in a web of obligations and “tradition”.  Be true to yourself and do as you wish.  Put yourself first.  I have pretty much taken this to extremes – its now time for me and sod every one else ( not really – the family christmas was cancelled for covid and thus i spent more time with my parents than I would have otherwise and they were upset not to see the grandkids)

I did however end up with only a short period of the blues on boxing day evening.  A result in my book

Life is too short to spend it with people that upset you or following traditions you do not enjoy.  Clarity of thought ( difficult when hiding from the black dog) and being clear about expectations helps a lot

….

Thanks for sharing reluctantjumper, some of what you have written mirrors my life too.

TJ you’ve been in my thoughts, so glad to see your pictures you’ve posted from the last few days

Feel for you reluctantjumper, it’s tough when you’ve been busting your ass off to get somewhere and it’s still not working out after all this time, I know what you’re saying, there’s only so many times you can get up after a punch in the ribs. I’d contemplate calling one of the people Houns put links up to tbh, It may help just to talk through things with a trained stranger, I’ve been lucky enough to get a few counselling sessions privately for myself and they’ve always given me a new perspective and direction.

Feels like I’ve made it through this year ok, it’s like my needle phobia, the beforehand and build up is always way worse than the actual event, the days itself was alright, starting to tick more jobs off on the house during the week off which has been good, when I left work on Xmas eve I was struggling to imagine having the energy for a new start next year but I think it’ll be OK.

The stoic thread got me thinking a bit, I need to read Marcus Aurelius Meditations, the daily Stoic instagram page puts up some useful quotes.

I’ve been lucky enough to get a few counseling sessions privately for myself and they’ve always given me a new perspective and direction.

I am a big fan of counseling.  If your leg was broken you wold go to the leg doctor and get it fixed and feel no shame – so if your head is broken then go to a head doctor and get it fixed.

I have had counseling a few times over the years and 4 sessions since Julie died.  Its helped a lot.  I will probably be going again

Just finally had a diagnosis meeting for potential ADD/ADHD – they don’t reckon I have it. I’ve been trying hard not to but been kind of pinning all my hopes on getting a diagnosis because the reality I’m left with is just being a struggling lifelong depressive for whom pills and extensive therapy hasn’t been very effective.

Feeling very bleak right now.

Having recently turned 40 I should be at the point where I’m settled in a career, financially on a good footing, standing on the property ladder and building a future with someone but instead I’m no further along than I was when I turned 18. It’s far too easy to view those 22 years as completely wasted.

The good thing is that 40 is most likely only halfway through your life. Gone are the days when you’d be lucky to hit retirement age.

There’s absolutely no reason why the next 40 years won’t be amazing.

Mboy I wish I could remove myself from it. I reckon we have spent £2500+ on presents this year.

Yikes, I don’t think I’ve spent that in total in 25 years put together.

As for the whole Christmas thing, I hate it. It just acts as a reminder of what I don’t have, not helped by the run-up being spoiled after working 7 years in retail.

I completely hear you on this one, I used to work in retail (worked up from customer assistant to operations manager) and every Christmas was ruined because of the long drawn build up – its not good to see “behind the scenes”. It doesn’t help when you don’t get any time off at Xmas in retail, and while you are ramping up effort every one I knew was winding down to 2 weeks or something like that!!! Every Xmas was spent with bad colds or flu from customers coughing on you.

If you can get out of retail I would heartily recommend it, if you need a hand doing so let me know. Its very badly paid for the effort and misery and complete lack of personal reward in return. I didn’t think I’d ever get out and it used to get me down so bad, used to sit outside work in the car chanting to myself “please don’t make me go in”. Once you are free of it its amazing.

Actually, it was ok.
Spent more time driving to see the others than time with them.
Nephews didn’t even bother to open the boxes of the watches i got them. Unwrapped, analysed, back on their phones. Same as my brother, how anyone over the age of 21 can not consider this insulting is beyond me.
Its like ” i would rather be not here with you, but with someone else, not here”
Nice meal, got a book i had already read and a few calendars.
As to why my sister is intent on getting my 86yr old doddery mum pissed is also staggering, she can barely walk when sober.

Wednesday was my birthday and I actually managed to have a decent day. Spent an hour or two in the morning out with my RC crawler at a quarry before spending the afternoon with family, first with my sister and her kids then with my parents. All very relaxed and chilled, just one issue that’s appeared with dad putting a dampener on things but overall a good day.

@b230ftw – I left retail back in 2005 to work in a bank so have been well out of it for a long time. Sadly the bank job was terrible too (right in the middle of the PPI scandal!).

The issue now is New Year. This should be a time to start making new plans, looking forward etc. All I can see is issues and problems. The big one of Covid running rampant again. Still not having permanent work. The cost of living getting higher. The deterioration of my dad’s health. Don’t know where to even start on turning that lot around.