Aspergers/ASD diagnosis as an adult – does it help?

I think I’ve been self diagnosed and/or peer diagnosed with Aspergers/traits of ASD. It’s been a bit of a shock but explains a lot. My girlfriend raised it with me on Saturday, based on a couple of events that overwhelmed me last week. We’ve been researching online and I do seem to exhibit a number of typical traits. A couple of on-line tests backed this up (I’m aware there may be confirmation bias in the tests).

I spoke to my sister who laughed and said she’d known for years, which made me feel pretty stupid. Tried talking to my mum, but she didn’t get it. At least I know she hadn’t “known for years” as well.

I’m struggling with a few things that I thought should be easier with a greater understanding of who I am and how I think:

Diagnosis – I’m 46, I’ve made it this far not knowing. Would it help to actually have a label and a formal diagnosis? Do I want a label? Does it matter?

Anger – I’ve had periods of counselling/therapy for depression (very dark at times) and anxiety over the last 20 years (5 different counsellors). No one has mentioned the possibility of Aspergers/ASD. I’m quite angry that it’s never been considered – maybe because I’ve always functioned ok in one to one situations but I’ve definitely described behaviours that should at least have raised questions. It’s possible a greater understanding of why I think/behave a certain way could have helped in previous relationships especially with my daughter. I’m angry that no-one has ever mentioned this to me before. I’m angry with myself for not considering it either. Could there be a link with the depression as well as anxiety.

Shock – I woke up yesterday and felt really detached, like I didn’t really know who I was anymore. Feel a bit better today but still “odd”.

What if it turns out I’m really neurotypical and just odd/quirky?

Without going into detail, here’s a bit of my background – very analytical (IT geek, PhD in Astrophysical Chemistry), outsider/socially awkward in groups, obsessed with routine, find it easier to ask questions about mental health on a mountain bike forum than ask a real person!

I’m working my way through the previous threads on here which are a great help.

Any advice especially around the anger and detachment would be greatly appreciated. I think I need to let go of the “what ifs”…

Thanks!

guess my question is really – will it help me? And the answer is probably, only I will know or could find out.

I actually feel a lot better after writing the post, so that’s helped clear my head.

It wouldn’t help me. What helps if other people knowing (especially those close to you) so they know why you are like you are and can also help. My wife has helped me a lot over the years even with small stuff like telling me “you know that came across as rude, that is not how people interact”. As long as you are open to it it can help greatly.
Doesn’t change who I am but at least I get an “outsiders” perspective.

Well, the label itself won’t change much (and you might find it is helpful to keep it under your hat anyway, you might prejudice other folks with it). Nor will getting angry at yourself, the medical establishment, previous counsellors, or any of rest of world.

However. You might now be at a point where you can look for some ways to cope with things that help for ASD types.

And more usefully, it will help to know that you’re not all wrong for behaving how you do, or seeing things how you do, or only understand things in the way you do, instead of how 90% of the planet expects you to behave. You’re a bit different, so what.

Roll with it. Fair few ASD/Aspies on the forum here, so keep the postings coming.

My thread from being diagnosed 3 years ago

https://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/aspergers-as-an-adult/

I really haven’t ‘dealt’ with it and anxiety is back off the charts again. It is very common for people with Aspergers to suffer with anxiety and depression

Edit. Just read my last post on that thread, I never received funding for an official diagnosis as quite rightly the funding goes towards children (and why I didn’t appeal it) so expect the same

Sounds like it would help you, and the genie is out of the bottle now anyway.

FWIW I’m the same age as you and probably wouldn’t be diagnosed now, but my daughter is autistic and living with her has given me some good insight into myself as a child and younger man.

find it easier to ask questions about mental health on a mountain bike forum than ask a real person!

Don’t worry, I think this applies to everyone.

Can’t say if it will help you.

It helped my cousin – he got diagnosed when he went to do national service about 30 years ago (they live in SA).

Everyone went “oh, of course!” as his behaviour and fixation with maths and numbers then made sense.

He got out of national service, went to uni, became a top government actuary and wrote a couple of uni text books on actuarial science, which is why he’s now teaching English as a foreign language around the Far East, seemingly semi retired.

Thanks for the replies, just writing the post was cathartic and the feedback is really helpful. I think the anger and need for confirmation is a bit of a knee jerk reaction and wanting to be in control.

Houns, will read your thread properly, I did read it on Saturday night but realise I probably didn’t take it all in. I did find it very reassuring and helped with the confidence to ask on here. Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Agree with you about funding children before someone like me as well.

Self-diagnosed Aspergers; I actually found it a relief and it has helped.
I do suffer with anxiety and depression and had been through councilling beforehand, so I had some really good coping mechanisms in place to deal with that.
When i’ve told friends it’s been cathartic and I got really good responses including my favourite “Well no s..t”
Has it changed my life? Not really, maybe in as much that i understand a bit more why my brain is like it is.

I’ve been a little involved with some young adults who’ve been diagnosed while at university, it’s not quite the same but some of the outcomes are probably similar. The label itself can be pretty powerful, if you need to get something done, or you need to express an issue quickly- like, if you meet new people and it’s really super awkward and you get in a spiral of feeling awkward because it’s awkward, you can break out. Or if you need some accomodation to be made.

More personally, it’s only likely to make a difference to you, if it leads to some sort of understanding with the condition, or changes how you live with yourself. It might, it might not, and the label itself isn’t necessary for any of that anyway- you can do all the reading etc without it. That even applies if you were to be assessed and they stamped your file with “NORMAL”

I think the biggest issue is maybe whether you’re comfortable with the person you are, or not. I have seen individuals who were very much unhappy with their own ways, who found a greater understanding- I literally heard it expressed at “I always thought I’m just a bit of a dick” But the nature of my role would mean that if it wasn’t helping, I’d probably never hear about it so that’ll be biasing what I’ve seen.

(I’ve got a bunch of the traits myself, and it did make me think about my own situation… I concluded that actually, I am just a bit of a dick)

Be wary of self diagnosis. Something in us seems to hanker after labels and reasons for things.

Myself I came to the realisation that I have a number of distinct ASD traits. To say I had ASD is to downplay how serious this is for some. Its a spectrum disorder with a range from neurotypical to severely disabled. with a bit odd, just a bit of a dick, self obsessed and eccentric somewhere in there as well :-)

Like the OP when I realised this ( it was like a lightbulb going off!) a number of folk who knew me well said – “of course – we have known it for years!”

I decided that there was no point in going any further with formal diagnosis for a number of reasons. I function fairly well in society, I have learnt coping mechanisms and also with services being in short supply I did not want to take up valuable professionals time that could be of more use to others.

For a while I found myself getting very anxious about it as I realised more and more some of the odd things I do and have done but now I have settled down again with this

So my advice would be unless you are really finding it crippling or disadvantaging you in significant ways there is little point in a formal diagnosis. If I had realised in my 20s or even 30s maybe but I am now 59 and about to leave the world of work. ( My traits caused me issues at work and still do on occasion but I had already made my peace with the fact I am not a good manager and had gone back to the shop floor)

Ha, this was me, 7-8 months ago.

I scored 36 on the (adult) AQ spectrum test (source Overcoming anxiety and depression on the autism spectrum book 🤪). I spoke with an actually diagnosed aspie mate (who recommended this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Asperger-Syndrome-Adults-Beardon/dp/1847094457/ref=sr_1_15?crid=3IBLEGK984HBR&keywords=autism+books&qid=1583184908&sprefix=Autism%2Caps%2C187&sr=8-15 ) which I read and highlighted the bits that made sense/seemed familiar and that ended up with a fair bit highlighted… also struck up another ‘conversation’ with an HFA-ODD person off here… which also helped.

I reckon if I’m not actually neuro divergent then I’m as close to it as not really make that much a difference. It helps me understand myself and my relationship with the rest of the world.

I’m pretty sure an official diagnosis wouldn’t change anything for me, my aspie mate struggled with the process of his assessment (it was pretty invasive) and it seems to have caused him no end of anguish to boot. Currently it seems that unless you’re really fortunate, it takes about 2 years to make the list to get an assessment later in life (I was told by my go that unless I was suicidal it would take that long just to get into mental health ‘treatment’…🤔) so it’s kind of a moot point anyways.

For less than a tenner, why not try the book linked, see if it helps.

it helped for me – although my partner does say that I tend to hide behind the diagnosis since then, we already had a good idea from other diagnosed family plus an “informal” diagnosis from an ASD specialist to go on, for me removing the slight ‘am I / am I not’ uncertainty was reassuring

For me to accept ” I am a bit odd / I have some aspie traits” was enough. Looking back its weird that I never realised my oddness.

ASD is a recognised condition, as such a diagnosis can give you legal protections. This may be important if your employer needs to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for you e.g. a quiet environment to work in, chill out times. It can aslo be important and give you protection if a perceived lack of social skills leads to ‘misunderstandings’.
If these are not issues for you, I would question why you are seeking a label. Autistic people are individuals and the spectrum is wide – the saying goes “if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person”.
Accepting the way you are may be more important to your health and wellbeing than a diagnosis/label.

You are who you were before the test/diagnosis. What are you going to change? I scored 37 on the ASQ and Mrs TiRed was so shocked she filled it on on my behalf with answers she felt were relevent. She suspected me of gaming the test. I scored 33 by proxy. She scored 11. Our average is normal.

PhD in Phase transitions in the Early Universe here ;-)

ASD is a recognised condition, as such a diagnosis can give you legal protections. This may be important if your employer needs to make ‘reasonable adjustments’ for you e.g. a quiet environment to work in, chill out times. It can aslo be important and give you protection if a perceived lack of social skills leads to ‘misunderstandings’.

Yes, that can be important. Even simple things like “Why don’t they ever come out to the social events” with other people quickly jumping to not being a team member or lack temawork.

There are also some things you can overcome (I couldn’t look at anyone when talking to them until I was in my twenties but I made a conscious effort to do it and now find it normal) whereas I can’t deal with noisy environments at times and have to leave.

I had a positive assessment and found out at the age of 30.i am glad I did.went private in the end as my gp did not want to know. It’s important to know if you ever need anti depressants as they do not all work the same and the condition affects them. Go for it but expect the diagnosis process to be heard for young people. It gave me peace of mind.i gained more insight into it and sometimes look at the brilliant wrong planet website where theres a friendly forum

metalheart – I scored 40 on the (adult) AQ spectrum. I’ve ordered the book thanks for the recommendation.

I realise this is self-diagnosis and by no means definitive. My girlfriend who has a professional role related to mental health had also been doing some research and was going to speak to me if I hadn’t mentioned it to her.

The more I read up on ASD, the more certain characteristics and behaviours are starting to make sense. I’m pretty sure I do have ASD traits although pretty mild/non-impacting.

The replies to this thread have really helped too – I’m genuinely grateful. Also had a really nice call from a real world mate who’s a fellow stwer.

Feeling a lot more settled and the anger has subsided. I suspect the counselling sessions were more focussed on dealing with my depression and dark thoughts. I’m in a really good place at the moment and looking forward to the future – something I haven’t been able to do most of my adult life. There’s a lot of positive change in my life (new job offer, planning my girlfriend moving in, house modifications) which can be overwhelming and has highlighted some of the ASD traits.

tjagain – I’ve been told I’m very self aware in my counselling sessions so it is pretty strange I’ve just accepted various quirks and never looked for an underlying reason.

As for a formal diagnosis, I was diagnosed with asthma a few years ago despite having symptoms all my life, it had never been picked up and I’d just accepted I was rubbish at high-intensity cardio. The diagnosis and access to medication has had a really positive impact on my life. I think that’s why my first thoughts were to seek a diagnosis, although I realise they’re not comparable conditions and I don’t need a diagnosis to understand and work on Aspergers/ASD.

I’m very conscious of not hiding behind a diagnosis e.g. using it as an excuse not to compromise about changes to my house when my girlfriend moves in. I accept I need to compromise but it’s been illuminating to discover why I might be uncomfortable about certain things. I also don’t want to use time and resources that could be better spent helping children or adults where it has a more significant impact on their daily lives.

guess my question is really – will it help me? And the answer is probably, only I will know or could find out.

This question is more related to whether you believe your self/peer diagnosis, or not. whether you require someone with more experience of diagnosing ASD to confirm.
That in itself is a bit of a minefield. diagnosing children, teenagers and young adults with ASD is a differnt thing to recongnising the masking and coping mechanisms that undiagnosed adults on the spectrum have developed over a 40 year lifespan for example.

IME, that last point is crucial, and unless you have traits that impact your everyday life, a NHS diagnosis will be difficult to obtain any clarity from as they consider whether a diagnosis will benefit you, i.e. if you need acess to services or not. You will more likely to get something without this bias privately, though you may from that diagnosis, not have easy access specialist services if you want to, or feel the need to.

tjagain – I’ve been told I’m very self aware in my counselling sessions so it is pretty strange I’ve just accepted various quirks and never looked for an underlying reason.

I don’t find that strange as I did similar. Some of my quirks I knew and some I thought everyone did so I knew what i was doing but didn’t realise how odd

OP, hope you get as much out of the book as I have. I’d mention other things but really the book is better. It’s pretty positive and deals with diagnosis, disclosure and how things impact in various situations.

I prefer the term Nd to autistic as a) I’m not diagnosed and b) I’ve a nephew who is pretty full on nonverbal/needs support just to live his daily life and what I ‘have’ is different to that. Maybes I need another word…

And remember, Asperger’s isn’t even recognised in some parts of the world (they removed it from the manual…).

Feel free to pm if you think it’d help.

Can’t remember the stats but adults with a formal diagnosis of ADHD find it improves their self-esteem and general mental health, over those who are aware they probably are but haven’t been assessed. If it is impacting your self-esteem you should consider assessment, it’ll help your loved ones as much as you.

My lad got diagnosed with ASC (conditions, not disorders – I actually quite like this linguistic shift and think it’s a positive thing moving forward) and ADHD a wee while ago. Cue a completely autistic focus on researching the crap outa neurodiversity, drove my missus bat guano with the bloody obsession. The more I read about ASC the more I came to realise it’s a very different spectrum to what most people understand it to be, and the things I struggled with in childhood and earlier adulthood are typical for autists. MrsDo666 went from asserting I am entirely neurotypical to being fully behind the reality I am not.

I’m not especially bothered about a diagnosis of ASC as I feel I’ve learned how to compensate well enough. I’m pretty keen to get seen re ADHD though, as although I’m very highly functioning it still impacts on me – tried to explain to my mum that for a given outcome I have to put in a lot more effort and focus than neurotypics and the stress is pretty intense at times. Several of my friends have recently been diagnosed with ADHD and report the meds they give adults just allow them to do what they normally do, but with a fraction of the stress – sounds nice. I went for a chat with my GP, who gave me a form to fill out at my own leisure, so I explained I would be stressed out if I took it home because I would almost certainly keep forgetting to fill it out or hand it in, so I completed it in the reception, took a photo to share with my missus, and handed it in. Got home and realised I’d filled it in wrong because I hadn’t taken the time to read the instructions! A year later my missus texts me as I’m leaving work to ask what’s happening with the referral so I bobbed into the mental health centre to check they’d received the referral – that building is literally attached to the building I work in every day, and I’d been meaning to bob in for the entire year :-D

You should definitely consider a referral. In the meantime you will probably benefit from a serious amount of reading around modern understanding of neurodiversity, it’s what gives people intellectual superpowers so really isn’t all bad at all, and I’ve learned a heap that helps me parent better. Neurotribes is a great potted history of ASC, though it’s heartbreaking at times. There are loads of podcasts by high achieving ADHD folk, these can be great for helping the positive perspective on it.

At the risk of evangelising, I cannot recommend meditation enough – got into it to help deal with a messy divorce, which it did with aplomb, but it had a transformative effect on my ability to roll with life and also understand people better, largely though a practice called Metta Bhavana – it’s for developing lovingkindness (hippy alert) but I found helped me get my head around people’s behaviour and how to communicate more effectively. More or less stripped me of social anxieties. The mindfulness/single-pointed focus techniques are amazing. These two practices have seemingly cured me of a depression that plagued me for twenty odd years. Still have well intense emotions, but the ability to separate thoughts, feelings and physical sensations, and the experience of observing the impermanence of all things have meant that at no point in the last six year have I felt ‘depressed’ or hopeless.

I found reading a shittonne of books by Alan Watts, Stephen Bachelor, and the likes really augmented the meditation; I’m not at peace with the concepts of reincarnation and such, and those guys help one see the secular value in Buddhist/Taoist/Zen traditions.

Good luck with your journey!

For what it’s worth, I had long term self diagnosed / assumed I was on the spectrum but never discussed it with anyone, after a challenging period of my life with my partner I mentioned it to her in passing which led to me seeing my GP and getting a referral through the NHS resulting in a diagnoses of ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder, I prefer the Autistic Spectrum Condition terminology but the referral people use ASD so it is what it is). I was 34 when this took place and while at the time I was not really fussed about it either way (in my mind it was either ASD or I’m a dick, either way it is just me) it was very helpful for my partner who has done a lot of reading around and changed how she interprets things I do / say. Since the diagnosis I have found it more useful to have actually and a few people at work are aware and appreciate knowing, this includes my boss and HR as I have a line management responsibility and want to avoid any misunderstandings in the future caused by or affected by it. It has also opened up a couple of conversations with people who have a family member on the spectrum and I am aware these conversations have helped them.

I guess I am saying that while it might not be life changing, or even make a difference to you it might turn out to help people around you in the future if you do go down the formal diagnosis route.