Noel Coward worked for a short time stocktaking at a chicken farm.
This was the inspiration for Brief Hen Counter.
What do you call a woman juggling pint glasses?
Beatrix
What do you call a woman juggling pint glasses on a snooker table?
Beatrix Potter
Which cheese is the most religious?
That'll be the little baby cheeses.
What do you call a woman who stands behind the goalposts?
Annette
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her leccy bill?
Bernadette
How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Juan
Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?
Without them he’d be Ewar Woowar.
(this works better spoken TBH)
To quote John Guilgud. 'Edward Wioodward? It sounds like a fart in the bath'
Noel Coward worked for a short time stocktaking at a chicken farm.
This was the inspiration for Brief Hen Counter.
Oscar Wilde wrote a play about the Loch Ness Monster. Shady Wonder Mere's Fin.
What do you call a French man who steals small, yappy dogs?
Jaques Rustler
As scapegoat has ventured there......
What do you call a lady w one leg shorter than the other.... Eileen
What do you call a Chinese lady w one leg shorter than the other....Irene
Hmm, not sure the Chinese jokes are ok these days tbh.
I note that no one complained about the Geordie joke, though.
(Still chuckling over that one today 😀 )
A Native American boy and his dad are talking.
"Father," asks the boy, "why is my brother named 'Roaming Buffalo'?"
"Well son, replied the dad, "in our tribe it's customary to name our children after the first thing observed when leaving the teepee after birth. Your mum left the tent and there was a buffalo roaming outside. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Shagging?"
For some reason people keep asking me to rewire plugs and things for them, I don't why they just assume I'm good with electrics. They're often shocked when they realise I'm not.
I hired a handyman and gave him a list of things to-do.
When I got home only items 1, 3 & 5 had been done.
It turns out he only does odd jobs.
I know a mate at work by the nickname Thrush, he is so often an irritating twaaat
Nicked from Rhod Gilbert at the Playhouse
Argentina isn't as warm as you'd think, it's bordering on chilly.
Never buy coffee from a womble. It'll always be under ground or over ground.
Why are German kids better than other kids in Europe?
Because they are kinder.
I told a joke on a zoom call this morning. No one laughed.
Turns out I’m not remotely funny.
Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their joint 60s and 70s retro music festival because they couldn't agree whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.
Two Conspiracy Theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me thats just a coincidence.
Two ladies looking at dresses in the shop. One says to the other "that's the one I'd get".
Then a cyclops comes around the corner and kills her.
Two chimps in a bath. One says "Oohh! Oohh! Aahh! Aahh!'. The other says 'Well put some cold in then'.
Before Movember comes around, does anybody want to sponosr me eating triangular shaped pieces of chocolate, for Octoblerone????
What do you call two birds stuck together?
Velcrows
What kind of ape goes bang?
BABOON!
Courtesy of my mate Kev,
A step by step guide to falling down stairs:
Step 1
Step 6
Step 8,9,10
Step 12,13.
