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Fell in Love with the wrong woman.
[i]Fell in Love with the wrong woman. [/i]
only once ?
Following that whole monkey shooting business a few months ago....
... I was the assistant manager on a Zimbabwean farm (I was born there, innit!)- my opposite number from the neighbouring farm and I would sometimes go up into the rocks and snipe monkeys from miles away with a 303 or a 762.
The excuse was that they used to raid our Maize, so we'd make an imaginary line and snipe them when they crossed. They soon learnt. The labourers liked eating them.
Another method.
Obtain a thin necked Vase; fill with salt.
Tie to tree-trunk within range of monkeys.
Scout monkeys find salt.
Alpha male chases scouts and keeps salt to himself.
Approach Alpha with can of silver paint. (at which point alpha male won't be able to get his hand out of the vase and the others scarper; stupid animals)
Paint Alpha male silver and cut loose.
Alpha male will run toward pack, who will shout that a silver monster is chasing them, which will make him run and so-on.
Effective monkey dispersal techniques.
who will shout that a silver monster is chasing them
Awesome 😆
Adultery...Just say no, [b]kids.[/b]
There's a word for that and it AINT adultery.. 😕
I told my eleven year old mate in one sentence that there was no Santa, no tooth fairy, and his teddys definitely did not come alive at night
I still remeber the sound of his heart breaking!
In my defence he should have known by age 11 ffs
Not the worst thing though, as that would turn into a written confession...
enfht - MemberAdultery...
Just say no, kids.
There's a word for that and it AINT adultery..
Just say "No kids"
😆
I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
Told a small child the ice cream man only rings his bell when he is out of ice cream.
we've a housemate from hell. he would never buy toothpatse and always use other people's. i filled an old tube with mustard once. that was funny.
tying my mates shoe laces to a chair whilst he was passed out stoned. he woke up in the dark, stumbled and knocked his front teeth out.
mate and i found a dead fox one evening and thought it'd be funny to shove a pole up its arse and stand the pole outside another 'friend's' house. we were about 14 at the time. very funny though.
on a heavier note:
never thanked or paid back various people i've met over the years - mostly whilst travelling.
promising my Granddad I'd do something for him then never doing it before he passed away.
Smacked someone in the face with an oak table leg!!! Knocked him out and gave him 4 stiches!! Still feel really guilty about it today!
as a 13 year old, i did not want to go in to school for a test i was going to fail, so slammed front door crept upstairs and lay on bed waiting for my mum to go to work, but this day she brought the clean clothes upstairs before going to work, i could hear her coming along the landing and new i was in trouble, just as she entered my room i lay on the floor she let out a almighty scream, and i said i had fallen over and hit my head, but no bruse and no cuts and mark to my head made her think i had fainted,
she called my dad home from work and i was taken to hospital for a full brain scan,a rectal exam, blood works the whole nine yards, even got kept in for the night for observations as my aunt was a sister in the hospital and my mother was panicking
did not dare tell them i was just bunking off!!
Knocked down the door and threaten the guy to leave my girlfriend (guy was trying to feel her up at work) alone-he wimpered please don't hurt me and cried like a baby as I threatened to kill him. I left him and drove home...
Thing is, I went to the wrong house/street. Slaps own face...
😈
i was taken to hospital for a.......... rectal exam
Is that standard procedure when you pass out then ?
Well that might help to explain why after passing out at [i]that[/i] party, I came round to find my underpants on back to front, and a rather sore ar5e.
Always did wonder .........
I once nicked a lads sandwiches while he was having an epileptic fit.
To be fair, he wasnt eating them.
that wasn't the same epileptic lad that came to the swimming pool I was working at, and when he started fitting I threw in my washing was it?
Me + Ex Bosses Wife = Divorce.
Not my proudest moment.
Fired a rather large firework at a house .
Went in through the bathroom window , someone was in it. Trumpton , Po Po etc. Made the papers , Im not proud.
[i]Gave my mate's cat LSD [/i]
good work. Poured an entire bottle of gin into my housemate's fishtank at uni. The fishes behaviour was quite funny until they all died.
Stole a JCB
Best not ellaborate
Arrested for B and E .
Dad waiting in the Police station for Duty Solicitor, all had words whilst I was in the cells .
Turned out OK in the end , we went to the pub to celebrate.
believe what a man tells me! 😆
In my Green days....GPMG + Sheep + no way to be identified.........not my proudest moment. although from what we pieced together, it was quick as it gets.
recently, got stiffed by a builder who took 10K of kit for his own new build house. refused to pay for the kit claiming a 5yr old disputed invoice as a reason not to pay for an air source heat pump + sundries. went round, no one moved in to the new house yet, squirted a whole 'jumbo' can of expanding foam into the working parts of the ASHP. actually quite proud of that one 🙂
told a mate who wasn't a cyclist to come belting down a hill and slam the front brake on in front of us 5 drunks at 1am. broken cheek, chipped elbow, smashed glasses, chipped tooth. cheltenham A&E didn't believe him, assumed he'd been scrapping. he was there 6 hours. his wife was very pleased about it all. he was an accountant tho'
As a lad I was once trying to impress a girl in a youth club disco wearing a white pair of 501s. Farted and followed though.
As a 15 year old me and a mate made some ANFO (fertiliser and diesel) explosive, stole half a dozen car batteries and various other bits to make it go bang. Used it to blow up the green house of a miserable old git up the road who took exception to our playing of football and various other games in the street. Seems quadrupling the amounts used in our initial experiments wasnt very wise, as we not only destroyed the green house, but blew in all the windows on the back of his house along with half of the next door neighbours windows. I think we were lucky not to kill anyone.
Not learning from the bo11ocking from the police (an over night in the cells plus full days questioning) and both sets of parents, we went on to putting camping gaz canisters into bales of hay on a mates farm and then set the bales alight. Managed to put one lad in hospital with second degree burns over almost half his body.
The list of what would now be considered rather serious delinquent behaviour went on for some time, untill a couple of us discovered rock climbing which seemed to channel all the teenage horrid little sh1t delinquent behaviour into the scaring ourselves silly climbing.
Dropped some LSD in a bottle of milk at a mates house,he had the milk on his cornflakes in the morning,he went to work on a roof 3 storys up, freaked out,it took 4hrs and a call to the Fire Brigade to get him down! 😈
threw up in a plastic bag on my stag do and then put it on some blokes head by asking him to bow slightly, pulled the bag on by its handles then slapped his head.
🙂
believe what a man tells me!
You're dead right there aleigh 🙄
I saw someone being knocked down, then walked past. This was 20 years ago and I regret it to this day.
I also dumped someone mid-coitus, I stopped before I finished and realised it just wasn't working (in more ways than one).
Done so many bad things looking back. Luckily not all were widely known. But one or two incidents still refuse to go too far away.
Copied my primary school friends symptoms as it seemed to get him a lot of time off school. Turned out to be a bad idea as apparently complaining about tightness while peeing means they cut your knob about!
I was only four or so but remember to this day been sat on the toilet and a nurse saying "if you don't go in five minutes you have to stay in" I was forced to wee...like razorblades.
Cant tell im still wanted for it
Leaving aside the stuff I'm not going to post on the internet...
I used to work late shift as a truck mechanic.
Coming up to xmas one year, I told a friend's little boy that we had had a crashed lorry towed in last night.
It had gone through the M5 central reservation and hit a sled pulled by a load of reindeer going the other way.
There were dead reindeer and presents all over the road.
"What happened to the presents ?" he asked.
"They all got swepped up and put in a skip" I told him.
Attempted suicide when I was 11.
Top that!
I knocked a bigh'ol Labrador over whilst joy riding down a country lane. The dog was still on the lead, one of those extendible ones.
Broke my mates leg when he waded in to stop a fight I had gotten into.
Cheated on my long time girlfriend who was actually my best friend ever.
(the 'other' girl was a miles better sh*g though, in fact I still think about her & it happened nearly 10 years ago!)
I'm off for a w**k.
esselgruntfuttock LMFAO!!!!!
I'm liking this thread! 😀
Had a friend who at a party went to the loo and produced a 'floater' - queue outside so she got some loo roll , picked it up and flung it out the window. Unfortunately it landed on the conservatory roof which was full of partygoers 😛
😀
that cant be true cuz girls dont poo...!
I once killed a swan...
Sorry your majesty but it kept nicking my bait... so I shot it with a catapult and snapped its neck! It didnt die instantly either, it flew across the lake with its head dangling in the water and crashed into a tree! Found it dead next day.....I said a little prayer 😥
Joined STW then pissed off for a few months and made the mistake of coming back! after all the funny posters got banned.
Still a whole loads of sh1te getting discussed? by people who have nothing better to do.
BIG MISTAKE!
Punched a girl in the face. For fun.
Sorry Trina, but you did smell of piss (justification of a 10 year old).
I've done worse but they shall remain secret.