[Closed] Things that don't appear on the 'joys of parenting' list:

Many, many poo and vomit anecdotes. Projectile vomiting a complete milk feed all over our bed springs to mind.

Most painful is when they're jumping up and down, and manage to catch your chin on the way up. No swearing allowed to relieve the pain...

Nothing so dramatic, but I don't think we've had an unbroken night's sleep in over five years.

I thought I knew what exhaustion was...

abandon bath, abandon bath a brown submarine has been spotted!"

That's a "code brown" alert for rapid extraction in our house.

Remember a bad poo incident for our boy. Runny poo in his high chair. Out the side of the nappy, up and down and out of the trousers, dripping down his leg, a pool of poo on the floor.

Had the nights of vomit, wash down, clean clothes, clean sheets, back to bed, vomit... repeat till dawn.

Oh and lost count of the number of times I've been kicked in the balls. I doubt I even need to bother with the vasectomy.

And mealtimes are a particular joy at the moment 😕

Having a small car "parked" in the hole (this is not a technical term) of my sub woofer; it has been there for 7 years to be fair and still works but rattles every now and then.

If my wife reads this, she's kill me but....

It's not just the kids. Due to a few issues the good lady was on lactulose (I think) and hadn't been able to poo due to a 3rd degree tear (F to B). She was having a bath and announced that she might need a poo. Her mum, a trained nurse, suggested that it would be OK to do it in the bath. What followed has no explanation..What was a nice bath full of clean water was turned into the largest bowl of Weetabix I'd ever seen in a matter of seconds.

Items removed from Sub Woofer.

1 x rubber snake
2 x bouncy balls
1 x ELC digger driver
1 x Action Man ski pole
1 x small yellow rubber monster

All of which “just fell in”.

My brother apparently destroyed our amstrad 'PC' in the 80's by pushing coins into the disk drive, apparently I was just as bad for pushing cards into the slot but was forgiven on the basis that disks had pictures on them which matched the ones on the screen, so at least my destruction was logical.

Lots of "I'm feeling more sick", no "I'm more sick" competitive vomiting in the back of the car (we spent a lot of time driving to grandparents 3h away).

All of which “just fell in”.

Being awoken at 3am by strange noises downstairs, to find the daughter lying on the hall floor and piles of alcohol induced vomit everywhere. Going back to bed and saying to the wife. 'Your daughter is downstairs and needs your help'........... cue sounds of wife gagging while the daughter is smiling, scooping it into a bucket to help............ daughter was 21 then.............

Twins throwing up over me three times each at kings cross station. Misery is sitting on a train covered in someone else's vomit.

Getting kicked, elbowed and kneed in the batteries daily

Having to dig a hole in frozen ground to conduct a memorial service for Harry the ex-Hamster in the middle of heavy snowfall.
Only after repeated attempts over a 48 hr period to revive the lifeless rodent with heat pads and massage to make sure he wasn't hibernating.

its the embarrassing things they do in all innocence that gets me...

4 yr old son wanders off in the local park, hes out of sight for maybe 5 minutes before the wimp in me won and i went to find him - hes sitting in a kiddies swing - the one with the bars - swinging away quite happily. I saunter over, ask how hes doing and he points at the woman close by and in THE LOUDEST voice ever say 'the fat lady gave me a push'..

elderly chap napping in KFC, same son, now 6ish walks up to him and asks if he was dead?

teaching the kids to cook with fresh ingredients, stressing how important is is to eat 'proper' food(previous tale excepted). next trip to supermarket, the poor woman in front of us had her shopping dissected with scathing remarks about the state of her weekly shop.

they don't warn you about it, and they should!

Ha, Smudger!

Similar - sat in Starbucks and a portly chap walks past our table and my 3 year old daughter points at him and says loudly 'that man's got a baby in his tummy Daddy'

i've also had the honour of being vomited on by my daughter while we were shopping in H&M. i had some items of children's clothing in my free hand when she unexpectedly spewed all over me. cue me covered in vomit walking up to the counter whilst holding a vomit covered child to pay for vomit covered clothing...which i only wanted to look at and had no intention of buying!

my eldest son when he was little crying in the car on the way home from birmingham. wife managed to climb into the back to try and calm him down, then he started coughing so she made me pull over on the hard shoulder while she got him out of his seat to pat him on the back....cue vomit spewing out all over him, her, the car seat and the back seat of the Audi. she strapped him back in and sat there in stoney silence for the remainder of the journey. our son fell asleep....we got home quite late that night so i had to leave the car as it was until the morning. took me a couple of hours to clean everything and to get the stains out of the fabric, took a few more days and lots of febreze before the smell of vomit cleared.

Was stood at a pedestrian crossing with my littlest one when he was about 4 when he noticed that there was a woman in her 50's standing next to us who was a dwarf.
I'm stood there thinking " Don't say anything...Don't!.... just don't" when he comes out with "Dad, look at the size of that wee lady!"

Before I can respond, the lady turned round and looked my four year old straight in the eye ( no bending down required) and said to him....

"I didn't eat up my vegetables when I was a wee girl".

She looked up at me, winked and scuttled off across the road, leaving me and the boy speechless.

YYYYYYYU

I still haven't gotten over the high pressure,in car, projectile vomit incident.
Or the Lady in black ,in the deli', who Li'l J refers to as "the witch".
He get's it from his mother obvs...
Poo on skin I can deal with , but when it's transferred to clothing I struggle to deal with or breath........ha.

Trip to a Mexican restaurant with our 6 month old daughter and we noticed a bit of a pong. Our daughter had done an explosive one in her nappy which was massively leaking. We both scarpered to the toilets with her as it was a two man job. It took ages to get her cleaned up and it was really whiffy. Also, the hand dryer was above the nappy bin which was next to the changer so anytime you went near it jets hot air in to the bin, mixes with all the baby shit and wafts the warm air all over the toilet!

We were gone so long the restaurant thought we had left!

Got the weeman a fairly immense collection of brio from a mixture of my mum's loft and bootfairs. Shortly after that we noticed that there was a strange, bonfire-esque, smell coming from the gas fire. opened that up and yeah sure enough there's a little brio man in there who has taken a trip through the grill on the front of the fire and landed on the hot part of the back boiler where he has been unceremoniously cremated.

Words were exchanged as best you can with a 3 year old, but sure enough a week or so later it happens again, "have you put another man through there onto the fire?" ..."yes", take fire to pieces, remove man, this time its a full on explanation of why you can't put brio men in the fire, really don't do it, "do you understand, no more putting your men in the fire" "yes daddy".

True to his word no more men went on the fire, which was no consolation when woken by the sound of the smoke alarm going off with the whole house smelling like burning plastic a week or so later, I suppose its my own fault for being too specific as I didn't explicitly rule out plastic toy cars.

We were on holiday in Spain with my sister, BIL and their kids. We'd bunged all the kids in one room and my son (4) and my neice (3 and a half) were top and tailing. I woke up in the night and my lad was screaming so I went to check what was wrong.

He'd severely shat the bed, covered himself and my neice, who somehow was still sleeping!! The poor sod had no idea what was going on as she woke up to having shit showered off her, dried and put back to bed, which had now been cleaned up.

One of the kids mentioned it in the morning, but all the adults just said, "no, nothing happened last night......."

... I didn't explicitly rule out ...

🙂 got you on a technicality

At a classic car show near the Trafford Centre last year, 3year old son gives a 5 second warning that he's going to be sick.
Had to move him at lightning speed away from the classic TR7 he's just been sat in and catch his vomit in my cupped hands, then carry said vomit 100yds to the nearest toilet.

Its not the first time I have had to catch his vomit either.

Also his elder sister when she was a similar age referred to a Dwarf stood next to us at the airport as a 'Funny little Man with a funny head'.

My wife's waters broke all over my trousers and shoes, which ended up in the clinical waste.

I had to call the grandparents-to-be: "It's a girl. Can you bring me some dry shoes?

I had to replace our ensuite carpet due to afterbirth all over the place.

The floorboards below have a faint tinge of birthday blood to this day.

This thread is hilarious

My kids have wrecked my car. Including both front cup holders, they no longer have a front or a button, so they're stuck in the dash.

Being a BMW part they're monstrously expensive so I've not had cupholders for a good couple of years now

Trip to a Mexican restaurant with our 6 month old daughter and we noticed a bit of a pong. Our daughter had done an explosive one in her nappy which was massively leaking. We both scarpered to the toilets with her as it was a two man job. It took ages to get her cleaned up and it was really whiffy. Also, the hand dryer was above the nappy bin which was next to the changer so anytime you went near it jets hot air in to the bin, mixes with all the baby shit and wafts the warm air all over the toilet!
We were gone so long the restaurant thought we had left!

Now I think about it, when #1 spawn was about 6/12 old, we met my Dad's auntie for afternoon tea in an old lady hotel*. After a bit there was an aroma, and my wife took herself off for a new nappy.

Time passed.

Wife returned, holding baby clad only in a nappy, with instructions to dress child while she goes and cleans the poo Armageddon up in the baby change. While she was gone and I was dressing child in the middle of the lounge, I kept being told by members of staff that they did have a baby change. Baby clothes had to go in the bin.

This may have been the same trip where we left the changing mat on the roof of the car following an al fresco change and drove off without it.

*Royal George in Perth

Sh1t flicked at random OAP on the bus after hand went down nappy.
Molten acidic Vomit over my bare back on a summers day in the Park ,and what can only be described as Bear grade scat whilst bathing my then 2 year old lad.

Its all there to ruin the hardiest of Parents.

Its broken me over the years I can tell you.

It doesn't end when the pooing and puking stops... try this:
tomorrow I have to explain to the boy why he's been dropped from the rugby team he's been part of for the past 5 years, while all his school mates, who he introduced to the club this season, have places 🙁
(Luckily it's only one match, so hopefully he'll get over it)

Wife's first night back at work after we had twins. "No problem" I hear you say. We also had a 2.5 year old... "Well that's your fault", I can hear already. You would be right so far. Then imagine that they all have gastro-enteritis. All excreting poo with all the pressure you would expect from a firemans hose. You are bathing babies covered in poo, stripping beds full of poo, cleaning a bath that's had pooey water in it plus some poo directly in it.

This doesn't stop and all of a sudden it's 3am. You start to feel ill yourself, you begin vomiting and then need to quickly change positions as the other end starts misbehaving too... A bizarre sound is heard from your twins bedroom and rush to it - only to see the Omen-esque sight of your pair of angels puking in a vertical 18" puke fountain. This then starts another round of bathing, changing, cot-stripping and this time with the added interest of trying to fit this in between your own bouts of sickness and supersonic defecation...

Feeling very lucky reading this thread. Our daughter is almost 6,and we've never had any really dramatic poo or vomit incidents.

It's too late for her to start, right?

On the other hand, we have her writing passive-aggressive notes to teachers, and other kids' parents, which can be mortifying.

The smell of a teenage boys bedroom and the things that lurk therein.

The father of son's girlfriend knocking on the door and beginning the conversation "I'm recording this conversation and may hold it as evidence......"

I've always gone by the Profanisaurus definition of "Crop dusting" until yesterday with my 2 year old.

Usual Sunday morning apathy from me - leave him in his nappy until we get dressed. Overnight wees plus morning drinkies equals a fair amount of saggage. Which would be ok but he also deposited a fair quantity of rabbit droppings in there too.

And then he ran around the in-law's with his big brother for quite a time.

While his 8 month old sister crawled around intrigued by the chocolate drops now sprinkled sparingly around the kitchen, hallway and lounge...

Bit of a moment when I spotted them followed by mild panic as I tried to clean, secure and prevent movement from all 3 of the little sods!

Qtipped big poo's out...yes.
Sucked bogies out of blocked noses...yep.
Countless dramas...yes.
5k damage from after teenage parties..yes.

Any thanks.....not likely!

sucked a bogies out of a nose?

WTF!

I'd rather clean a bazillion shitty nappies and the like.

And I've just realised/remembered what a q tip is.

Christ. :grim:

Ha, this thread is awesome. I've had the whole family norovirus event, where you have a small un' puking down your back while running to the bathroom to do so yourself, not an experience I want to repeat.

Worst one was trip to the city in the summer and walking back to the car giving our eldest a shoulder high when he managed to poo himself, leaving me with an excrement soaked back. Got a few interesting looks driving home through the traffic topless 😆

We've had a few poo/sick/wee-related events, pretty similar to many of the previous posts.

One non-bodily-fluid-related incident happened when our eldest was about two or three, I had taken him to the supermarket to do the weekly shop. In the aisle with vegetable oils and so on, I failed to park the trolley, with him in the seat, right in the middle of the aisle. So as I browsed the shelves, he managed to reach out and grab at a bottle. One litre of extra virgin olive oil, in a glass bottle, promptly exploded at my feet. Huge puddle of oil and broken glass surrounding me, oil all up the left leg of my jeans to the knee. And my left shoe (Merrel, goretex) filled to the brim with oil and tiny shards.

One of the shelf-stacking lads ran off to get a giant roll of paper to absorb it all, I had to abandon my sock and squelched round the rest of the shop.

Ok, a wee one. Toilet training Tired1, Mrs Tired took him to Clarkes for some new shoes. "Mummy I need a wee!". Too late and pee all over his trousers, and the as yet un-paid for possible shoe purchase. At least they fitted.

Another? Said charmer brought home Chickenpox. Oh, everyone's had that, haven't they? Not Mrs Tired. Two weeks in bed with the pox and serious illness. Meanwhile Tired2 went down with it at six months and not an immunoglobulin in sight. To say he was covered was an understatement! Couldn't put a 50p anywhere on his body without hitting a spot. At least he couldn't scratch!

Another? TiRed1w brought home slapped cheek aka parvovirus 5. Gues who has the HLA type for acute arthropathy. Could barely walk for a month!!! Thanks for that, and the ear infections.

Norovirus... done that too.

sucked a bogies out of a nose

Done it out of sheer desperation, she could hardly breathe and was screaming the place down, presumably in a panic. At 3am you will do anything to make it stop (incidentally the sucking made it worse).

Aside from that though she's been pretty awesome, certinly by comparison.

Me though, I'm a jammy sod, I deserve all hell after the stuff I pulled - killed a Sony hi-fi, ate lego and had violent diarrhea all over the back of my dads car. It was a Morris Marina as well so there wasn't much worse I could have done to it. Also done the sitting in dads jumper in the back on a couple of occasions, Mull and Callander were most memorable (Lada Riva with a recently departed back box and Nissan Cherry respectively).

But keep it coming, don't think I've laughed as much at a thread in a long time.

This has reminded me of a few I did as a child. Including the time I projectile vomited 15 minutes into the 30 hour drive from the alps to Carlisle - made worse by the fact that my parents had had absolutely no sleep owing to us being booked into the same apartment complex as the whole of BUSC.

That and the time I peed on my face in a public loo because I was trying to see how it worked...

"abandon bath" events too familiar too, many car sick stories and the joy of the norovirus too. ah yes remember them well.

We went to a wedding with our 2 week old twins and while changing one on the back seat of the car he decided to let rip with what can only be described as splatter poo. Gloopy green spray - all down my white shirt, light grey suit and tie on a fine rural summer's day. Nice.

Their younger brother likes to express himself slightly differently. I think he was 2 or 3 when he woke us up early one Saturday standing over us on our bed waving his bits around in circles saying "Look Daddy - Willy willy woo woo, giggle" repeatedly.

Oh yes - lots more naked trampolining than I imagined too, both them and their friends just abandoning their clothes whenever the feeling takes them.

On the plus side - when they were little they would see me dressed up to go MTB night riding and tell me I looked "cool" something their mother never really did for some reason.

and the 6 year old still waves me off every morning from the door with "Bye Daddy you're the bestest Daddy in the whole wide world and universe and galaxy and planets" which is quite nice. 🙂

My son fell face first into a trough type urinal in Scarborough.

My little one is only turning 2, and the number of those stories which I can relate to is scary! 😯

The latest one was whilst in Next during Christmas. Little one has a habit of running her hand along all the clothes to feel them. Whilst walking with me, she decided to run her hand along a row of clothes, and the bum of a women who was casually browsing. Cue the women whipping her head to round to not see the little toddler at waist height, but the 30yr old man staring at her in total shock...very VERY awkward.

Eldest has given us a few moments, including:

Dropping his trousers in one cafe and haling a passer-by with 'Look lady, I've got gruffalo underpants!'

Also runnng back from the loo in a packed bluebird cafe shouting at the top his voice 'Daddy, Daddy, I done a wee and a poo in the toilet!'

Whilst Mrs BJ was breastfeeding no 2 I took the eldest swimming, his best line was "its ok daddy, you can touch my nipples" whilst drying him. In a packed mens changing room. Obviously he'd been trying to get in on what his brother was getting back at home and she'd been telling him of.

Recovering on the sofa post-vasectomy. Youngest mounts a sneak attack and jumps in my lap with a leading knee. Through pure reflex I picked him up and launched him across the room into a wall.
It was at that point I realised the operation had been the right decision.