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I hate those Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
Aaaaasaaaaaargh, lollipop ladies really make me cross!
How does Sean Connery shave?Ctrl + S
I've only just got that...ha ha ha
Its taken me all day... 😳
Marvellous. Well done gents.
A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
Why did the baker wash his hands ?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What should a Scotsman do if he finds a trumpet growing in his vegetable patch?
Root it oot!
Sean Connery was really looking forward to Lent until someone told him what Ash Wednesday was really all about........
From Twitter just now,
@rjayt
Poundland have been given the go ahead to take over 99p stores. The new owners say there'll be no change.
I rang an Improper Fractions helpline. It's open 24/7.
The advice on packet rice to "fluff with a fork" didn't go down too well in the porn industry.
The other day I ran a rabbit over on the way to work - killed it stone dead.
Anyway, while I was standing over it a chap came along and told me he could make it better.
So, he gets a bottle of ointment out of his bag and splashes it on the rabbit.
All of a sudden the rabbit jumps into life and runs off.
As it runs off, it keeps turning back to us waving.
In shock, I said to the man "what was in that bottle?"
He replied "Hare restorer, with a permanent wave"
Yep - the old ones are ...............the old ones.
A nun is walking down the road when a drunk driver swerves onto the pavement narrowly missing her. She immediately starts berating the driver on the dangers of drink driving and how he could have killed her. The driver opens the door, stumbles out of the car, walks up to the nun and punches her in the face, knocking her spark out. Standing over the unconscious nun, he mumbles, "not so gobby now are you Batman!"
Heard it on radio 4.