[Closed] Limericks - let's have 'um

There once was a biker caller hora
who'd ask on mountain bike fora
which bike he should buy
he'd then give it a try
then sell it without getting poorer

Donald Brodie met a lass,
Comin ower the hills o Coupar,
Donald wi his Hieland hand
Graipit a’ the bits aboot her.

Donald laid her on her back
An fired a Hieland pistol at her.
Lochleven Castle heard the rair,
An Falkland-hoose the echo sounded;
Hieland Donald gae a stare,
The lassie siched, but was nae wounded.

- [url= http://www.robertburns.org.uk/Assets/Documents/merrymuses.PDF ]Robert Burns (possibly)[/url]

There was a young man from Dundee
Who got stung on the leg
By a wasp
When asked if it hurt he said 'no, not a lot and it can do it again if it likes'.

(Spike Milligan I believe)

There once was a vicar from Ings*
Who dreamt of heavenly things
But his idea of heaven
Was a choirboy of seven
With an a** like a jelly on springs.

*Just outside Kendal

I hate writing these limericks
I find them more painful then pinpricks
Everything goes fine
Until the last line
And then I always f*ck them up

There was a young man from Nantucket
whos cock was so big he could suck it
he said with a grin
wiping cum from his chin
if my ear was a coont then id fork it!

in days of old
when knights were bold
and condoms werent invented
theyd tie a sock
around their cock
and babies were demented

daisy daisy give me yer tits to chew
im so horny
my baws are turning blue
I cant afford a johnny
a plastic bag will do
but youll look sweet
upon my meat or with me on top of you.

thank you,thank you,thank you.

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who travelled much faster than light,
She set off one day, in a relative way,
And came back the previous night.

Some of the above are not limericks..

I'm not sure how long this thread is going to last but I have a couple of dirty clean ones for you. I also have some utter filth but they aren't going up here...

A dashing Gay Blade from Khartoum
Took a Lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
As to which of them might
Do what, and with which, unto whom.

There was a bohemian monk
Who fell asleep on an old wooden bunk
He dreamt that Venus
Was tickling his elbow
And he Woke up covered in sweat.

edit: my version of the above:

There was a young lady named Bright,
Who slept faster than the speed of light,
She went to bed one day, in a relative way,
And woke up the previous night.

Mary had a little lamb,
and it was always gruntin'.
She tied it to a five-bar gate,
and kicked its little head in.

There once was a man from Japan,
who couldn't make verses scan,
when folks told him so,
he said "yes I know,
my problem is that I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can"

There was a young lady from Exeter,
and all men did crane their necks at her,
but one went so far,
as to wave from his car,
the distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her ass like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color devine
But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia

Mary had a little lamb. She tied it to a pylon. 1000 volts shot up its arse and turned its wool too nylon.

There was a young man called dean. Who invented a ****ing machine. At the 99th stroke, the f@@king thing broke. And whipped his balls to cream.

There was a young lass from Greenodd
Who thought all good things came from god
But it wun't the almighty
That lifted her nightie
It was Roger the lodger, the sod.

There was a young vampire named Mable
Who's periods were often and stable
By the light of the moon
With the aid of a spoon
She drank herself under the table !

Mary had a little skirt
it was split right up the side
everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thigh

Mary had another skirt
It was split right up the front
she never wore that one much

In the town of Huddersfield
There lived a cow that wouldn't yield.
The reason why she wouldn't yield?
She didn't like her udders feeled.

There once was a poster call Markie
Who was feeling a long way from sparky
But a report he must write
Even though it's midnight
Or his boss will be terribly narky

Stopping browsing the forum may, of course, be the key to getting the stupid thing written.

There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within half an hour
Her tits were in flower
And her fanny was covered in weeds!

There once was a man from Peru
Whose limericks stopped at line two… 😉

There was a young man called Dave,
who kept a dead hoar in a cave,
He said "I'll admit,
I'm a bit of a twit,
but think of the money I'll save!".

My brother Billy
had a 10 foot willy
and he showed it to the girl next door
she thought it was a snake
Hit it with a rake
Now it's only five foot four.

There was a young lass from Throgmorton
who had one long t!t & a short-un
to make up for that
she had a 2 foot wide t*at
& a fart like a 650 Norton.

There was a young woman from Bude
who went for a swim in a lake
a man in a punt
stuck his pole in her ear
& said 'you can't swim in here it's private.

There was a young lady from Sasketchew'n
When stuck for verse she said "sod this I'm movin'"
As she pulled out of the station
She sobbed "this is crap alliteration"
Dismayed with the metre
She cried "it's all down the sh*tter"
And then she gave up poetry and went back to her day job.

There was a man from liverpool
who had a red ring round his tool
he went to the clinic
the doctor, a cynic ,
said , " thats only lipstick you fool ! "

Not a limerick, but...

Way up in the frozen Arctic
Where no pongo or pom's ever been
Lies the corpse of an f-ing great polar bear
F-ed to death by a Royal Marine.

there was a young woman from Bury,
who wanted a piss in a hurry,
so she went down the back and opened her crack,
and a man backed in with a lorry....