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[quote=CharlieMungus ]wow! Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?
No, though I'm not sure I'd put it quite as strongly as you. There are definitely lots of clues there suggesting legitimate reasons for the gf being unhappy and seeking comfort in the company of other human beings without considering the consequences. Not that I'm suggesting what she did is right, but it seems only reasonable to consider her motivations and whether they were reasonable.
While out on business I find she has talked to an older guy who lives down the road on the phone for 2 hours at a time.Then she went to the movies with him and then a restaurant. She tells me all about his gold extraction business.
So, you ended your relationship because your partner was talking in a non-approved way. Doesn't that strike you as a little extreme?
From what I can tell, the Op has moved cities to make her happy. The GF has[b] barred him from having female friends[/b] whilst thinking it fine and dandy to go out on dates with other men. She also doesn't have any friends of her own in her own town. Does she work from home because she has trouble holding down a job by any chance?
Oooh forgot about the new hightower.
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OP, from a neutral outsiders point of view, on the balance of probability you made the right decision all round.
wow! Am I the only one thinking the OP is being unreasonable?
You've made a lot more assumptions in your analysis of the situation than the rest of us.
The OP's description of the situation seems fairly neutral to me, but whichever way you cut it - it's clearly not gonna work if they're at this stage now (and have previously been engaged but aren't any more).
I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.
I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.
15 years chaka. 15 years.
You've made a lot more assumptions in your analysis of the situation than the rest of us.
hard to tell
looks a lot like OP has a few insecurities, doesn't trust this guy, gf looks fairly innocent in it, otherwise why would she tell OP about the gold extraction business etc. so of the 3, the gf is the one who gets the boot.
Sure, all relationships help compensate for certain insecurities. However (and I'm making a big leap here), from the OP's description and subsequent posts, I can't believe this relationship has even survived ten years given the shaky foundations - a little bit of insecurity is natural I think if one's partner suddenly develops a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex, but it's how one deals with that jealousy and one's subsequent actions that give lie to the strength of a partnership. We won't get to hear it, but the "other side" of this story would be interesting.
natrix - Member
Two pages and nobodies mentioned coke 'n hookers??
Or a kick in the slats. 😆
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15 years chaka. 15 years.
Hmmm, I hear what you're saying - but I just fear he'll be heading for more disillusionment.
😉
(sorry if this seems crass OP, just trying to keep things light)
I do think a Santa Cruz might be a bit excessive though. Maybe a Giant or Canyon would be more appropriate.
No, seems about right to me. Mind you, I dumped a girlfriend and went out to buy a BMW GSA so maybe I’m not a good yardstick…
Rachel
15 years chaka. 15 years.
I have been reading it as Cha****ng. Weird. It's only when written out separate I realised.
...oh, and sorry for your loss OP. Time to get on Tinder.
Meeting a friend to go to the cinema, fine.
Meeting a friend to go out for dinner, fine.
Long phonecall with friend, fine.
Chocolates from friends, fine.
All four in quick succession with the same friend who only lives down the road?
Two pages and nobodies mentioned coke 'n hookers??
Binners is still digesting his Gregs breakfast bake, it's early yet.
Rach, that is technically still a bike, so would seem to be ok in this case.
I'm not saying that I am in a similar situation as the OP, but I've been effectively barred from having female friends for pretty much the whole of my current relationship. My wife also has no friends in our area and has destroyed several good friendships that we previously had. This is one of the reasons, but not the main reason that we are no getting divorced.
OP, I'd say that history might bear you out, but I would probably have tried talking or Relate first if i really wanted the relationship to succeed. I did, it failed, this was the last chance, ergo The End.
Of the two, I'd go for the Bronson.
I think we're overlooking the real tragedy here.....
Well he bought her chocolates yesterday. I told her this was taking it past our boundaries.Last straw...
She took the chocolate but doesn't eat chocolate
So, learn a lesson here girls.
If you're gonna be made homeless over a gift received from a "friend", make sure that you spend your 2 hour phone calls wisely by making sure that the "friend" is , at the very least, aware of your preferences.
It's time to move on and find a new interest. I'd suggest a hand-built steel HT, to grind out a lot of miles while your mind settles down.
Well done OP. Correct call, and her response to your understandable concerns is all you need to know.
Just because the relationship is over - doesn't mean it totally failed. It was right at the time, it isn't now - certainly for her.
And beware the "sunk cost fallacy". Just because you invested so many years, doesn't mean you shouldn't walk away in this situation.
Anyway
1) Order Bike
2) Discuss with Lawyer if property or financial or kids complications.
3) ride bike.
4) Date a bit
Haven't read the whole thread so this comment might be at odds with the majority, but you 100% did the right thing. Bravo!
Give a fatty a go. You might like it.
A comfortable and often eager ride.
Forget all the loud endurbro plastic bikes... get yourself a beard and a rigid singlespeed and it'll be like hookers and drugs o'clock without the high ongoing costs. The opposite (and sometimes same) sex can just sense your awesomeness 😀
get yourself a beard and a rigid singlespeed and it'll be like hookers and drugs o'clock without the high ongoing costs. The opposite (and sometimes same) sex can just sense your awesomeness
But will be put right off by your dour demeanor and cynical worldly outlook 😉
Hmm, the fact that the GF had a ffairs in her previous relationships would be a warning for me. Once a cheater......
Relate might be worth a shout if you WANT to save the relationship. If not new bike time!
Give a fatty a go. You might like it.
A comfortable and often eager ride.
Sorry, I laughed out loud at that!
If you're getting a new bike I reckon you'll be needing a Cove Handjob for the near future.... 😀
But will be put right off by your dour demeanor and cynical worldly outlook
Doesn't that just add to the attraction???? 🙂
Op, how old are you guys BTW ?
Just wondering if you have grown in diff ways over the last 10 years ?
I assumed they were teenagers?
sounds to me like you've earned early parole!!
good times 🙂
You should probably try to friend up the new fella too.. He sounds like a dude
The only thing I can see in all this that the OP's girlfriend has done which seems unreasonable was stipulating that the OP should only have male friends. That sort of possessive, insecure and manipulating behaviour is no basis for a healthy relationship. The problem as i see it is that rather than addressing this properly in the early stages of the relationship the OP has let something he felt was wrong to fester, possibly in a bid to be accommodating of her needs, possibly for an easy life, possibly for some other reason. But whatever the reason, when the OP's girlfriend forms a relationship similar to the type that had been banned for himself there is a heightened sense of betrayal which to outstrips the reality of her actions which seem fairly innocent and unthreatening to me.
Chucking her out was a bit 'going nuclear' but partially understandable within the context of her insistence of no opposite sex friendships. if it were me I would want to take some time to reflect on whether this is actually just a convenient trigger that allows an easy exit from a relationship that was irreparably broken or if it could be used to build a stronger relationship by virtue of hi-lighting long term flaws which you could work on and rectify.
Ultimately it comes down to a simple question? Are you happier with her or without her? If you're happier with her then at least try and work out your differences if not then it's best to call it a day right now.
I don't know enough about the situation to comment on right / wrong (and we've only heard one side of the story), but this jumps out for me:
I saw it as... one of set of rules for her and me.
In and of itself, I don't see an issue with doing stuff with friends and it could all have been innocent. Or, y'know, not. If it were me I doubt I'd be too concerned, but then I trust my wife. I might be having a quiet word with the bloke though.
However. The flexibility, or lack of, has to work both ways. If she's off gallivanting with however she sees fit but still controlling who you can spend time with, that's imbalanced. In fact, it's abuse.
What I want to know is... where are the chocolates?
OP won't have eaten them - Rival chocolates taste bitter indeed.
GF won't have eaten then - her dislike of chocolates has been documented.
Outdoor boyfriend won't have eaten them. He's relinquished his claim by giving them to the OP's GF.
If I find out that perfectly good chocolates have been launched in the bin, there will be a reckoning.
If I find out that perfectly good chocolates have been launched in the bin, there will be a reckoning.
If they're going begging then baggsie any orange fondants.
Just for the op's reference there seems to be more mad ones on Pof than Tinder.
Oh, and look out for the ones that message first, and avoid the plethora of teachers and nurses.
That said I'm off on a date with an art teacher tonight. I suspect she's going to be quite high on the crazy scale.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
This thread is worthless without pictures (of the bike you're going to buy).
When OP mentions the "gold extraction" business, does he mean gold mining or extracting gold from waste/sewage? (I realise this is probably not the point of the story).
Is it this guy? Gold extraction a speciality.
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Gold in sewage?
I'm guessing the ex might be gold mining....
Unbalanced friendship boundaries never go well. Firsthand experience of that.
Apparently its not possible for a guy to have a friend who is female - let alone a best friend.
Oh - Rachel you bought a BMW! 😯
A proper reaction would've been a Kawasaki - take note for next time 😛
I think they've both been guilty of urine extraction...
So the OP has been with this girl for 15 yrs, more than some people are married.
For one side of the equation to loose interest it is very rarely just their fault, in fact it is never just 1 persons fault. OP have you really looked at yourself to see where you have failed in the relationship?
To me it doesn't sound like OP wants to stay with gf any how, he certainly doesn't want to fight for it.
What film did she go and see?
Did she have any thoughts on whether Lenardo deserved the Oscar? Or whether it was as though they felt an obligation to finally give him one? So to speak
Frankenstein, you said:-
Claims that she doesn't need anyone but me but now she said she doesn't need me anymore.
And:-
She won't contact me as she's stubborn and I don't think she cares anymore TBH but sent me a text saying I was looking for a way out and trapping her. I'm in no way controlling, ironically it was her who decided who my friends are.
It sounds to me like she is the one looking for a way out without having the guts to be honest with you but is using this guy as leverage.
Whatever way I think you have done the right thing. Personally I wouldn't stand for my GF having the level of intimate contact that she is having with this other guy which can only go one way I think. He's obviously like a dog on heat that she is paying him any sort of attention and will be 'in like Flynn' given half a chance.
If you need any more grist for the mill imagine the long telephone conversations she is now having with chummy complaining about how her boyfriend doesn't understand her.
You're well off out of it. Be strong and move on.
A proper reaction would've been a Kawasaki - take note for next time
Well, I am looking to upgrade it to another BMW, but one with 160bhp 😉
Rachel
Apparently its not possible for a guy to have a friend who is female - let alone a best friend.
Sadly a lot of people of both sexes think this is true.
I have a similar number of male and female friends. I mostly know the husband's or partners of my female friends, sometime we'll all meet up sometimes it can just be two of us which never seems like a problem for anyone. I never realised that this might be unusual behaviour until the advent of social media and the glimpses that it allows into other peoples lives.
For me the reason to end the relationship wouldn't be just the fact she went to the cinema with another bloke, rather the simple reason that if she cares so little for the OP's feelings that she expects him to put up with that behaviour then she doesn't really deserve his attention in the first place.